.

[Apodaca]

I sit and stare at the wall, thinking of another thing to add to my list of faults,
improving oneself takes so much more,
Voices of yore, imploring me to soar,
snored on the baddest of bitches, all cause in the future ill be getting it with the riches,
im setting the bar higher,
flyer you gotta get,
this sets rigged so you pass the test, only if you studied something flawless,
Cons sit contemplating actions,
I sit contemplating facts, sins, and tubs of gin, in it to win,
but im pinned within,
so i keep the path while i grin

[Apodaca]

Not poetic i placed in their by accident.

Ceaser

[Emily]

Yep. I don't care if it's poetic or not. I like it a lot.

First thing though, that comes at me, are those lines. Yes, those lines you have up,
when your sentences finish, look like L's to me. They're everywhere. They trip me up.
Apart from that, I'm liking your words hell of a lot. Being a poet.

Favourite lines:

'im setting the bar higher, flyer you gotta get|' .....see how annoying that little line is now?
Exit light at the cinema.
I love the sound of higher and flyer together. Good bar there. Sounds good to the ears.

I like the intro. It's unique.

You've got good words. You don't flow in a typical manner.
But you still flow, in some places, really well, I felt the build.
And the ending was good.

Top line:

"I sit contemplating facts, sins, and tubs of gin
in it to win"

Can't top that.

Good read.

[Apodaca]

Thank you very much for the feedback i appreciate it. Yeah ill take those out they were for seperating the bars just giving me a count. Ill write bookstyle lotta commas?. Should check out my new one on diss the bitch above you i surprised myself on that lol

Ceaser

[Emily]

Hey no worries.
I will check that out. Thanks for telling me.
Put the commas where you think they should go. Normal stuff.
Just take those lines out. And you're good to go.
I like this piece, entitled...dot...lol...

[Emily]

I forgot to say something. You're supposed to separate those bars, with your eyes, in the finished product. Not to us. In my opinion.
As a reader of songs, poems or what-not, raps on this site, whatever I don't normally see them,
but from time to time, I do. They still trip me up. Fucken little lines. I hate their guts.
Just thought, lol, you know, you could see how passionate, some, get, over it.

You write well though. So hey, whatever lol

[Apodaca]

Sinking deeper and deeper,
shes lost,
stuck in an neverending fog,
the chains are too heavy for one so weak,
for weeks nothing to eat,
but foods useless here,
hope is what steers you clear, unable to hear or see,
all she knows is fear of the unseen,
so she walks to her doom,
never able to break the cycle that looms ever binding,
completley blinding.

Ceaser

[Wordz AhGod.]

I sit and stare at the wall,
thinking of another thing to add to my list of faults,
improving oneself takes so much more,
i fucked a reputation whore,
snored on the baddest of bitches,
all cause in the future ill be getting it with the riches,
im setting the bar higher,
flyer you gotta get,
this sets rigged so you pass the test
only if you studied something flawless,
Cons sit contemplating actions,
I sit contemplating facts, sins,
and tubs of gin, in it to win,
but im pinned within so i keep the path while i grin

this is what I think it should look like. Paragraph form doesn't work for writing due to the lack of breaks in between to separate a line from a bar. Some of your lines don't rhyme and have syllable count issues where I had to find a place to cut it on my own because you didn't it write it in there. You will need more structure and content in your writing. Think about what is missing that keeps your writing from transitioning smoothly. Too many commas means that you are cutting off a detrimental word or two in your lines, this will make your flow extremely choppy and at some points unbearable. This is what we call "Wording". In a piece like this that is more hip hop then story telling, you have to advance yourself in a different way then a topical writer would.. you will need metaphores and a more deviant rhyme scheme that stands out.

[KnowP]

I sit and stare at the wall,
thinking of another thing to add to my list of faults,
improving oneself takes so much more,
i fucked a reputation whore,
snored on the baddest of bitches,
all cause in the future ill be getting it with the riches,
im setting the bar higher,
flyer you gotta get,
this sets rigged so you pass the test
only if you studied something flawless,
Cons sit contemplating actions,
I sit contemplating facts, sins,
and tubs of gin, in it to win,
but im pinned within so i keep the path while i grin

this is what I think it should look like. Paragraph form doesn't work for writing due to the lack of breaks in between to separate a line from a bar. Some of your lines don't rhyme and have syllable count issues where I had to find a place to cut it on my own because you didn't it write it in there. You will need more structure and content in your writing. Think about what is missing that keeps your writing from transitioning smoothly. Too many commas means that you are cutting off a detrimental word or two in your lines, this will make your flow extremely choppy and at some points unbearable. This is what we call "Wording". In a piece like this that is more hip hop then story telling, you have to advance yourself in a different way then a topical writer would.. you will need metaphores and a more deviant rhyme scheme that stands out.

@Apodaca I'll leave this open soo you can read this feedback, but make sure u see the forum rules shortly after.

[Apodaca]

I didnt make time to read this so i didnt reply, but after reading around and seeing the format ill try to put some of these into place.

[Emily]

Yeah. Structure. Forgot to tell you about structure.
Makes it easier on the eyes. Wordz AhGod, that's why they say.....AhhhhGod.

[Wordz AhGod.]

Girls usually do ...ooohhhh

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