Originally Posted by
Wordz AhGod.
I sit and stare at the wall,
thinking of another thing to add to my list of faults,
improving oneself takes so much more,
i fucked a reputation whore,
snored on the baddest of bitches,
all cause in the future ill be getting it with the riches,
im setting the bar higher,
flyer you gotta get,
this sets rigged so you pass the test
only if you studied something flawless,
Cons sit contemplating actions,
I sit contemplating facts, sins,
and tubs of gin, in it to win,
but im pinned within so i keep the path while i grin
this is what I think it should look like. Paragraph form doesn't work for writing due to the lack of breaks in between to separate a line from a bar. Some of your lines don't rhyme and have syllable count issues where I had to find a place to cut it on my own because you didn't it write it in there. You will need more structure and content in your writing. Think about what is missing that keeps your writing from transitioning smoothly. Too many commas means that you are cutting off a detrimental word or two in your lines, this will make your flow extremely choppy and at some points unbearable. This is what we call "Wording". In a piece like this that is more hip hop then story telling, you have to advance yourself in a different way then a topical writer would.. you will need metaphores and a more deviant rhyme scheme that stands out.