I Am.

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

I am lonely

So I lay engulfed in nothingness.
Burdened, I am the spectator
and I cast my gaze on you.
I see you carry out your life
dancing uncoordinated and foolish
upon the quickly eroding stepping stones.

Life...
Taken for granted.

I am tired

And thus, I sleep.
I sleep with one eye open
and my gaze remains on you.
I watch, worn down and broken,
frail and decrepit.
For I missed my final stone.

Death...
A thought thrown under the bed.

I am punished

So I lay engulfed in nothingness.
Your life remains my entertainment
and my gaze still lays upon you.
Soon you will fall as I did
and elope hand in hand with regret
into nothingness.

Life...
Taken for granted.

I am dead

and your next stone is thin.
Step carefully.


Life...
I took it for granted.
And I pray,
that you are not so foolish.




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...285/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...350/index.html

[spokenoh]

This should not be getting slept on. I really enjoyed this, and the title really caught me. I was expecting something different but surprises are good.
Normally I don't like stanzas being set up, like how you did it, but it works great here. The "I am lonely" etc. really added a dismal expression to the poem and you used them intelligently, not overdoing it. I wasn't a fan of the centered lines, however, for two reasons. One being that having them centered gives more emphasis to them over the stanzas, and I don't think they were nearly as well thought out as the stanzas; they lacked some creativity outside of the 'death' one (which I loved). The second is that I don't like ellipses used as you did. It adds a cliche feeling to it and what I think is an unnecessary pause in your thought. My final critique is that the final stanza/lines are considerably weaker than the rest. I think you could have been more creative.
Besides that, the rest is really good. The repetition was perfect, and I can't remember a time when I read something and liked repetition. The wording was good, and was in context with the emotion of the poem. These were my favourites:
Soon you will fall as I did
and elope hand in hand with regret
into nothingness.

I thought that was great. Keep up the good work.

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Thankyou

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

appreciative of any feed... even bad feed..

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

uppin for feed

[Masahiko.]

Great piece man.

You injected this poem with emotion with simple lines. To give a first person directed experience. It worked pretty well. I'm not sure why people aren't reading it quite frankly. I feel like there was good use of metas but I feel like you could have switched the places where you put them for a better effect on emotion. Not that the placement bad necessarily but they could have been slightly better. It's a pretty good message and was entertaining a long the way. A live life poem, a unique way of spinning a really overused topic. I liked it, good job bro.

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

upped

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

feed

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

*sigh*

up.

[.Prime.]

Great piece, really felt the whole vibe coming in on this. I also like how you divided it up into 4 pieces. Felt a little too emotional but hey, thats poetry. Keep elevating man.

[Novac]

You know, I can't really comment on content nor do I want to approach this as a proofread. The syntax here is the what I enjoyed the most, I went back and reread just the lines that were centered and I really got a sense of the thought put into this piece. I didn't think it was too emotional or not emotional enough. I thought the emotion put into it was the amount of emotion you wanted the reader to take from it - and I thought that was the perfect amount.

I relate a lot to the first stanza, and in a way it felt like it was written for me. And that's what it's about - making it personal and making it powerful. I enjoyed reading this very much.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...709/index.html

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Thanks, I'll rtf on that link real soon.

[Tactixx]

I thought the format and the layout on this piece was wicked...the transitions and cut-off points were well executed and timed...short emotion filled lines made it read and progress quite nicely...imo...The closer was also nice..kinda eerie...all in all a very enjoyable read man...peace..

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Float

[abiona]

Hmm.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the repetition or the centered lines.

That aside, I liked how you opened with the italicized "I am lonely"... a bold statement to make that you then extrapolated into a complete piece. The idea of watching from the outside as someone else follows along the same path into loneliness created a sense of desolation... yet at the same time, pleasure at someone else inevitably descending into nothingness. Interesting.

I wish you would have gone a bit deeper with it... push the understanding of what brought the speaker to that place and why the they are entertained by the other person on the same path. Felt a little unfulfilled by the end because I wanted answers to those questions. Maybe I'm just needy though. lol.