Cold World

[Jawn Raw]

For those of you idiots that didn't realize this was an audio...you can listen to the song on my myspace @ www.myspace.com/brotherpara

Also, you're all losers for pointing out that this wasn't complex enough for you and that it doesn't flow in some parts because if you actually heard the verse you'd understand. P.S fuckin idiots that left feed. if I was actually posting a Poem/OM it would be way more in-depth and creative.

Cold World

It’s the story of a life that’s untold,
But as I write it out all the deception unfolds.
The mystery inside this fairy tale: spoken.
Laid out in front of all these kids hopin.
Not knowin what lies ahead cause it’s a life
of corruption and many men dead.
Afraid of what’s been said,
So I stand as a man and holdin my belt.
Betrayed by the law, I scream for help
Before the drama burns from the dream I felt.
I’m afraid to lose my soul and die in shame.
I’ma guy wit game, I know you’d try the same
to empower the regime and their criticism.
Now it’s all redeem, I scheme wit more venom.
It’s inside my voice as I provide the noise,
So just watch as I turn paranoid!
From the minute when I crash land and attack, damn
Livin in a flat land, born in the grassland;
formed with a vast plan,
Now you know my last stand - Jawn P.

[Jawn Raw]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-399745.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ow-399943.html

[nineties flava]

This was pretty decent... I thought that it coulda been a lil more complex though. It was all clearly said & everything & u had clear imagery but... it kinda seemed too general to me throughout. I'm not a huge fan of imagery pieces either but I thought this coulda used a lil more. Also, to me it seemed a lil... generic. I've heard and read a lotta pieces like this... it coulda used a lil something to set it apart more imo.

Technically it was nice... it flowed & the multis was there. Content-wise I think there coulda been more depth.

O/A this was good but I think it coulda gone to the next level.


RTF: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-399974.html

[Dobblekick]

there was just one part that kind of threw off the whole piece for me...

The mystery inside this fairy tale: spoken.
Laid out in front of all these kids hopin.
Not knowin what lies ahead cause it’s a life
of corruption and many men dead.
Afraid of what’s been said,

just didn't work for me. Some good lines tho... But i'd say keep workin.

[Johnny 6-feet]

Short and sweet like a penny candy man. I would've liked to have seen you go into more details with the piece, it felt like you were just getting warmed up and then the piece came to an end. You're showing all the skills of a topical writers here, a good foundation. Can't really say much except keep dropping, we need more competant writers!

Keep posting.

[falc0n]

yea dawg this was really short, and like ^^^ johnny said i would have liked to seen this piece developed into more depth, it didnt really have much meaning. the subject was extended on is this a verse your working on putting into a bigger piece or did you just keystle something and got over it lol?

[Kapital J]

aigh this was good. im not dissin but it seems that midway you roamed off topic. at first it was emotional and then it seemed like you were just wingin shit. but other than that it was worth my time. nice drop. o and another thing. mix up ya rhymes a bit. use more slants

[Issue]

Cold World

It’s the story of a life that’s untold,
But as I write it out all the deception unfolds.
The mystery inside this fairy tale: spoken.
Laid out in front of all these kids hopin.
Not knowin what lies ahead cause it’s a life
of corruption and many men dead.
Afraid of what’s been said,
So I stand as a man and holdin my belt.
Betrayed by the law, I scream for help
Before the drama burns from the dream I felt.
I’m afraid to lose my soul and die in shame.
I’ma guy wit game, I know you’d try the same
to empower the regime and their criticism.
Now it’s all redeem, I scheme wit more venom.
It’s inside my voice as I provide the noise,
So just watch as I turn paranoid!
From the minute when I crash land and attack, damn
Livin in a flat land, born in the grassland;
formed with a vast plan,
Now you know my last stand - Jawn P.

This was interesting, you had a nice little flow throughout but I feel like it was completely short & you could have extended it to double or triple what you wrote here lol. The impressive vocabulary & decent rhymescheme lured me in and I was expecting some big great closer that never came. I found the closer to actually be cheap, & you could have used the same line a lot stronger 5 bars later to greater effect. If this was revised & extended, I'd probably be garnering it with a heap of praise, but for what it is & how it stands, I feel almost let down you finished so suddenly haha.


Don't get me wrong, it was well written & well thought out piece that came hard, but the actual ending left me a bit bitter because I'd have liked to have seen it elaborated more rather than just being severed away with a cheap line that's not very interesting.


I'll keep an eye for more of your shit, man, I've seen your sig around but don't know the alias ha, look for more in your next one.


Please return the favour to mine,


Revelry

[Jawn Raw]

you're all idiot for not realizing this was an audio i just posted. fuckin morons. that's why it's more to the point rather than a bunch of complex words put together. but thanks for the feedback, i still got some more to read. if you guys wanna hear the track go to my myspace.

[nineties flava]

you're all idiot for not realizing this was an audio i just posted. fuckin morons. that's why it's more to the point rather than a bunch of complex words put together. but thanks for the feedback, i still got some more to read. if you guys wanna hear the track go to my myspace.

a) Why the fuck did you post it in the OM if you didn't want it to get critiqued like an OM?
b) I don't critique OM lyrics any differently than I critique lyrics you spit... I critique OM lyrics as if you were gonna spit them. The fact is, it would be a short ass song... where's the other verse?
c) Who actually writes shit just to put "a bunch of complex words put together"? Rap ain't about sounding like you have a PHD in English and Literature... its about how well you make the point. What I said was that you coulda made the point better by putting in more description, NOT by grabbing your Big List of SAT Words That Rhyme.
d) Who the fuck insults the people who actually leave feedback over some bullshit like, "Oh, you didn't read it the way I intended you to read it." Well too fucking bad if you're gonna cry about it.

Dont bother leaving feedback on my shit.

[Jawn Raw]

^i wasnt going to feed your shit. and yeah sorry for flippin out about it, just figured it'd be noticeable that it was an audio because of how short my lines are and how it flows. but people still didnt get the flow of it.

[nineties flava]

^i wasnt going to feed your shit. and yeah sorry for flippin out about it, just figured it'd be noticeable that it was an audio because of how short my lines are and how it flows. but people still didnt get the flow of it.

People wudn't talkin about the length of the lines... they was talkin bout the length of the piece. It seemed good but underdeveloped.

[Issue]

You can't drop an OM, & then call people who read it & give you feedback idiot man because you decide to turn it into audio

[Jawn Raw]

it was audio first, lol and i already apologized. sometimes my penis bleeds.