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Thread: cheater

  1. #1
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    cheater

    I try to relive the stress
    But im stranglin you
    And its making a mess
    And you try and scream louder
    But I grab with power
    and I can scream louder
    and drown you right here in this shower
    but its not enough
    it just aint deep enough
    so your face hits floor and it bust up your face
    and I laugh and you cry and you look up at me
    like what did i do
    well let tell me you
    I was coming home early to see you
    But when I pulled up
    I could see someones truck
    Do these eyes decive me
    Cause I can see cleary
    But Im hopeing dearly
    That someone jus merley
    Got lost and needed directions
    But to my recollection
    I saw an errection
    I saw interjection
    Mutaul effection
    Offers protection
    Of natrual seletcion
    Im feeling rejection
    And I can get sadder
    Instead I get madder
    And let it it build up
    So I can fill up
    So I can explode
    And fuck ethical code
    Cause im going out
    And your comeing with me
    Remember that tree
    Where you first met me
    Well that’s where were going
    Yes theres a river
    Yes your swimming
    And that’s an anchor
    And that’s some rope
    Im just takeing precautions so you don’t float
    Now dont argue with me just get in the boat
    And if you don’t shut up im cutting your throat
    Ill just watch you bleed and watch you choke
    Haha hear you cry haha here you plea
    But im hearing ocean im hearing drowning
    I can see bubbles and im not frowning
    You resting peacefully at the bottom
    And your boyfriend tom
    Don’t think I forgot
    Hes my lovers knot
    And shortly hell be in pieces
    r-i-p in pieces

  2. #2
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: cheater

    interesting story line... easy to follow the action. you have the concept to start with, but the delivery needs work.

    as for the actual writing... the spelllllling. seriously. this read like you keyed it and really didnt pay much attention to details like spelling and grammar. makes the piece seem really unpolished and more like a rough draft than a finished product.

    i think you could make the piece stronger if you focused more on developing the images of the story; instead of telling us line after line... i did this you did that now this happens then that happens... show the story unfolding. i hear what your saying and i can follow the action but i cant see it.
    ArtificialIntelligence


    TNL
    ps... abi punchlines are played


  3. #3

    Re: cheater

    more than one of your writings are about someone cheating on you, its good to vent. But yours usually turns violent, and that sorta scares me ha.
    but i thought this was decent you were descriptive and to the point.

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