Shadow Man.

[Broly]

Shadow man.



Tortured soul waiting to be redeemed
Why?, one can not tell but only dream

footsteps creeking, shadows moving around
Soul sinking, he looks to turn my smile upside down
Glimpses of him outside my door watching
Chase as he runs to the basement and the door locking
He plays games, i run to the front door but noone knocking
Hearing thumps on the roof, as if someone was hopping
I know his presence as he knows of mine
As long as he does'nt touch me, i don't mind
Annoyed though i am, i must remember that he's lonely
Left behind, noone there for him, living alone in creaks
Walking up and down my hallway restless and ancious
I'm wanting to scream, but i must show my patience
Even though frustrations are corrupting, i must stay cool
Somethings wrong, an evil presence enters my room
Not him, but another demented soul filled with anger
Wondering, but not being smart enough to sense the danger
Resting, but should' ve acted, too late as i was being strangled
Not seeing it, but feeling its hands untill my arms dangled

Not dead, just sleep as i awake from the nightmare
Looking up, as to what i saw i could only stare

Seeing him standing there, 6' 0 ft. high
I look hard, but not seeing his eyes
As he dissapates waving goodbye, untill next time....

[Broly]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ll-357027.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...rs-357005.html

[Ntalek]

Overall this seemed a bit newbish coming from you..there were grammatical errors that threw the read off..I mean you did good and maybe one of your better writes flow wise...but I think you should try writing your pieces in MS word...to get rid of typos and grammatical errors..it helps alot..but as far as this concept and take I've seen it a bit even tried it myself but it just seems that you didn't really try anything creative to add a new spin it was kinda like the old black shoes under the bed and demons come type of thing..but still made for a aiight read...you still need to elevate in certain areas...such as multi's and internals..but you'll grow as you continue to write..

[The Vortex]

yo this was decent man.... flow was mostly good, vocab was decent
storyline i thought could've had a bit more to it though..
like maybe the shadow man could've done a bit more, or put up a bit more of a scary image to add to the intensity of the piece, coz like it was a good idea that would of been more intense with a bit more imagination and 'creative thinking' involved,
still was a smooth read, so yea well decent

pz

[Boxin Mics]

overall i have to agree with Ntalek.. you couldve been a little
more creative. you still need to elevate in certain
areas. for the most part the flow was decent. and it
was an alright read if asked. try to add a little more
imagination next time. bring the piece to life... hopefully
ill read more from you soon..

[Vincent Maestro]

I really liked this rhyme some heads said you could used more imagery but I think you wanted the readers to use their imagination.
It was tight cause shadows make objects appear larger and i liked how you were like he was towering at 6'0......shadows usually appear huge.
maybe I'm overanalyzing....

Unlike Ntalek I was feeling this concept but wasn't feeling the rhyme scheme so much....
They say this concept is played but I hadn't really seen it done before but whatever.

7.8/10