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Thread: untitled: but it's for the ladies mostly

  1. #1
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    untitled: but it's for the ladies mostly

    my heart beatin and beatin like the soul of an african drum//
    blood rushin through every canal of my manhood provokin the expecing cum//
    the scent of loves perfume is easily noticed with it's presence//
    my tounge begins to dance as it's ready to taste her essence//
    our bodies meet with heat, with sweat pumping from every pore//
    and as i proceed to speak in tounges she's screamin "more baby more"//
    with her orgasim approaching she shivers with every touch//
    she pulls me up looks in my eyes and whispers "baby you're just too much"//
    i begin kissing her neck holding her tight and clenching her butt//
    secretly smiling as she moans and groans wih thrust after thrust//
    she rolls me onto my back straddles me as if to ride me into the sunset//
    up and down back and forward i'm surprised i haven't cummed yet//
    from the bed to the floor, to the wall to the door//
    from to point of ecstacy to where our bodies become sore//
    with compashionate aggression my baby knows that she is mine//
    cause we raced through her favoite postions but slowed down at 69//

    in my opinion i thought this was pretty ok but i need crit aight holla back
    shut the fuck up

    even if i stutter i'll still sh-sh-shit on you/ pun

    dead in middle of little of little italy
    little did we know that we riddle
    some middle man who didn't do ditally/ pun

  2. #2
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    c'mon people don't sleep on this man this was original shit
    shut the fuck up

    even if i stutter i'll still sh-sh-shit on you/ pun

    dead in middle of little of little italy
    little did we know that we riddle
    some middle man who didn't do ditally/ pun

  3. #3
    That's Right...I'm White Verbatim's Avatar
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    haha great stuff
    keep er up
    peace

  4. #4
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    what the fuck people why are ya'll sleepin so damn hard on this
    shut the fuck up

    even if i stutter i'll still sh-sh-shit on you/ pun

    dead in middle of little of little italy
    little did we know that we riddle
    some middle man who didn't do ditally/ pun

  5. #5
    shyne_gritty
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    i thought this was too hot kid somethin that you use at the crib shit was nice

  6. #6
    Pax
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    this seemed real down to earth, you really captured the experience of 2 lovers and their passion for each other. keep up the good work


    (sorry i cant help u out any on this one, this just isnt my styel of poems, peace)

  7. #7
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    alright...this piece is very interesting...

    Imagery was most likely to stood out on this one...the flow is aight..not that great but it was smooth...vocabs are good...some words are a bit off but i think i got the reason whyd u use them...

    just one thing...if ur gonna write this kinds of poems...dont u think it would be better if u put more like metaphors or like deep words that would express more of what u want the readers to understand ya kno...

    well thats just my constructive critism...hehe

    i liked it tho....hope to see more!
    Last edited by shiznit; June 24th, 2003 at 03:25 PM

  8. #8
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    ok ya'll can reply to this c'mon
    shut the fuck up

    even if i stutter i'll still sh-sh-shit on you/ pun

    dead in middle of little of little italy
    little did we know that we riddle
    some middle man who didn't do ditally/ pun

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