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Thread: Remember (Sagcious and Laureate)

  1. #1
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Remember (Sagcious and Laureate)

    Sagcious
    Laureate

    Remember

    Remember me when I am gone away
    Gone far away into the silent land
    When you can no more hold me by the hand
    Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
    Remember me when no more day by day
    You tell me of our future that you planned:
    Only remember me, you understand
    It will be late to counsel then or pray.
    Yet if you should forget me for a while
    And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
    A vestige of the thoughts that once I had
    Better by far you should forget and smile
    Than that you should remember and be sad.


    Remember me when you often pray
    On your knees, with hands tightly clasped
    Though tears may fall, your voice be rasped
    Know that I’m above you in a better place
    I leave behind nothing but a single trace
    A memory stranded in the light breeze
    Floating through nothing, lost in tight weeds
    Not governed by haste, but still at a waste
    In the rush of confusion, all but an illusion
    Trapped between lies, don’t know what I’ll find
    To see the true mind, look past the eyes
    Whatever’s heaven sent, I missed the trend
    Depressing that it had to come to this conclusion
    Don’t forget and become lost, stray from the end



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  2. #2
     
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    word, up..

  3. #3
    Soule
    Guest
    Very Nice Peice,

    Sagcious:

    You had some nice wording man. It was very deep and has some flow going on. You're emotion was deep. Very hard and sounded like it was true almost. I liked it.

    Laureate:

    You're verse was awsome man. The wording was great and put down incredbly. The flow was nice and therough. I could just go with it in joy. The emotion like Sag's was very deep and also seemed almost realistic. Like its a life story to you.

    Altogether:

    The structre was nice and basic. Made it easy to read and enjoy. The creativty was wonderful and I just plain out loved this peice. You both did incredibly well. 9-10. Keep writing.

  4. #4
     
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    thanks homie, uppin.

  5. #5
    Soule
    Guest
    If possible pelase return the favor with feed on my first link. And End that collab should be done with 5 hours. I'm waiting for smoka and malices verses then I'll do mine. Sorry for the freepost.

  6. #6
     
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    Pretty nice here. Laureate had the better stanza here, not because of his skill, but his writing displays a high amount of experience. Sagcious, you're getting very good at this, you changed your rhyme scheme up a bit, so that it didn't have a solid flow, that was cool. Your details are becoming alot more elaborate than your past poems, keep it up. Peace.

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  7. #7
     
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    thanks alot for the feed pass...uppin

  8. #8
     
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    I am new to poetry...more topical...but...Laureate...I've never seen you drop before, but you dropped a really nice verse. Your wording shows your experience and it also gives great imagery to your story. Sick shit. And Sag...I've never seen you drop either and did much better than I had assumed. It was a very solid read from you as well. both of you did a nice job on this and it was a great read. Keep it up boys!

    -Educated (feed on my poem in my sig please)

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    thanks

  10. #10
     
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    up.

  11. #11
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    This was a nice and sombre piece.

    Sagacious- Some parts of your verse looked like they missed a word or somoethng, but other than that the emotion was there quenching the writers attention. Your verse set the mood up good though it was a read in which the reader had to pay attention to every line. I liked that.

    Laurete: First thing that is noticed is the major difference in rhymeschem as your verse had more rhyme in it. Once again your verse carried on the mood that was expertly set by Sagacious. Also your ending was good and the way it made the reader believe they are the 1st person was good also, basically sayin your verse put the reader in the writers boots.

    Overall, i liked this and the ending of Sagacious's verse was a highlight as was Lauretes opening. Very nice stay up.

    Some comments on this link would be appreciated.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307015

  12. #12
     
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    thanks. i'll hit that when i got some time.

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