I liked this piece, it had alot of emotion and suttle intensity to it. Thought it could have used more colorful imagery but I'm glad you did'nt over load it like alot of people do. Flowed real smooth and had this creepy straight forword tiype of dialouge that sounded so non-chalaunt, That put alot of meat to the emotion. Overall this was a good look at the murder of Emmett Till.
Good Job.
thanx for the feed
Good emotion and the way you put the controversailness easily into it made it better, simplistic yet complex enough to portray it's message across, only thing i can say ma dog is that next time watch ya structure, other than that tis all good.....
The Death of Mr. Faith, check it thanks:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=286323
Kiss me through the camera lens.TNL
thanx for the feedback
Dam man this was really good. I like how you told the whole story and i liked the story to. you kept the rhyming going even with a number. this was awsome keep wrighting like this and ull be legendary soon. Keep it up.
thanx for the feedbackOriginally Posted by Cap Com
This shit was nice and yes it was deep, telling an old Mississippi tail of shit that can still happen today. I liked this piece and feel that alott of people need to see and read this piece. Overall everything was fine, I will just tell you to work on nothing but finding more inspiration to do pieces like this.
Close dis shit:
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thanx for the feed yo
This was alright, not great, not worthy of hall of fame if you ask me but...
It did have emotion like people have been saying. Definately made you give you sympathy to the poor lad.
Best bit: "words repeated, stupid nigger, stupid nigger
hittin me in the face, the bumps grew bigger
suddenly a stop, stranded by a barn
beaten with blows so powerful, I was weak in the arms
then a shot in the face by a shotgun, as if the beaten wasn't enough
they scooped my eye out,tied me up and put me in the back of the truck
drove to the mississippi river, tosed my mangled body overboard
there I layed 14 years ol, but in the south just another dead nigger boy"
I think overall an improvement in the vocab used in this could've improved the imagery a bit more. Just seemed a bit simple, who knows over-complicating things could've confused this simple story about racism.
Pretty good though. Nice one.
Eh, I didn't really like it, the content never seemed to flow to me because of the way you just ended every individual line then went on with sequence in the next line, yet it was never truely connected to the last. I mean, the sequence was cool, done in extreme detail but I think the entire piece lacked heart. It was just words that I didn't feel like were really backed by any kind of emotion. It was weird, but reading this I just got the impression of someone sitting on a dim lit stage playing guitar and singing this in the form of blues, not rap. *Shrug* I respect you for the attemp at breaking ground with mass amounts of sequencial detail, but without emotion you'll never gain anything. You could have a shitty drop but if somehow people can feel your words then they'll love it. Its now about what the word is, it's how its used... You know? Sorry man, just wasnt my kind of piece. Stay up and keep writing.
I'd apreciate it if you could return the favor:
"L.A. Reed Bought my Soul"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287417
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