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Thread: I Wished...

  1. #1
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    I Wished...

    I woke up one day to the game you see.My woman left me for the Damn Extacy, She was a fine woman,she knew how to handle me,figured out the hard way and it cost me a fee. Niggas broke in my house and told me to get on my knee, Now what the fuck did I do? Nothin...I knew this was a battle I'd fail, I couldn't give this to my crew, One of my bros just got out of jail and I had no heart to make him have more time due.The nigga looked at me and grinned,shook his head,said your girlfriend again? I just wanted them dead,only thinkin' bout two little boys in the backroom, needing to be fead.I know it was wrong,I already had my rights read,I could only apoligize in song,because my boys were killed in bed,I'm almost ready to cry.So much has been said,I shouldn't have killed all them niggas dead. But they just drove through like a pack of wolves,Said my kids was a warning, I was in back of the vengance folds,Dumbass crack dealers left me out cold, Said I had a chance to get back together and grow old,I was so hurt,like a lance had gone through my soul.I went to my uncle kurt,he had nothin' to live for,so when I told him bout my kids,he walked with me out that door,It was time to make a settled score.It was kind of cheap,niggas were layin' on the floor talkin.I didn't care, I was in too fucking deep,so I murdered them when I walked-in,didn't even think about stalkin my pray,after I used my shotgun and 'cocked-in', killed them and felt kinda 'gay',Niggas don't think about your sick games you play,I was fucking happy okay?I felt for my sons.I lost all sense of being that day,went home and killed my wife for sellin' me out, that trashy peice of decay.Be true to your family niggas all the way,listen to my inteligent peice of art,it has meaning and 'functuay'...

    Just a little peice off the top of my head...wrote it cause a lot of my family is dead...So please give me some comments...it needs to be read.......

  2. #2
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    before comments are made...It was kind of off structure...I did that because I didn't like how it looked in short bars...Trust me! looks a lot better like this...just gotta read it a little faster and closer...

  3. #3
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    38
    Posts
    5,316
    Battle Record
    15-10
    no...you cant justify this shitty structure..doesnt matter how bad you think it looked...it not only would read better in bar form...but it would look better..and if it didnt..then this piece just had shitty structure period..and by writin it in paragraph form...you made it shittier..everything is too ran together anyway...shorten your bars if it doesnt work right..and this didnt work right...i restructured it myself on note pad..and it doesnt work either way..fix your structure..it just doesnt work..and every other aspect was too simple and your topic was not only all over tha place but it was played and you didnt add anything creative to it...there for it was boring...elevate on everything..your in dire need of complexity..and wordplay..some multis as well....keep elevatin and practicing..~1~


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  4. #4
    Soule
    Guest
    good it is really good.

  5. #5
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    Uppin...I know it was shitty structure...tell me something I don't know? Comon...uppin for comments that are needed...I said my structure was wack up there^^^so screw that ok? I know its wack..I'll make a new open mic later and fix the structure...it was 6:am when I wrote that...was very very bored

  6. #6
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    MODS CLOSE THIS...I re-did it with a second part and a chorus...This is shit...GET RID OF IT....................

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