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Thread: When The Good Die Young

  1. #1
    Hugh Jazz
    Guest

    When The Good Die Young

    When The Good Die Young..

    The seven o'clock shuttle was approaching the platform
    As I was presenting my bullhorns to transform swarms
    It was a stormy day, but I couldn’t be late another time
    In my prime, climbing mountains on the highest incline
    Was all I had in mind as the last line of people entered,
    The subway’s centre, the train made its departure…
    I made like Helter Skelter.
    Seeking shelter for the darkness, the final dash upon me
    My muscles tensed up, it’s just my life… Like Bon Jovi
    Burned it to a degree as the floor was melting behind me
    I was leaving debris in my path like a screaming banshee
    Was following behind me.
    I shoved through like molars and knocked over a stroller
    Made like a bowler and rolled my balls over shoulders
    It was a high rollers game but I needed to get to work fast
    At last I was standing there, but the train got the last laugh
    It sped away on the tracks as people glowered and stared
    Got a few “What the fucks?” from the homeless impaired
    I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, ‘cause really I was
    The masses enclosed me, like bees presenting their claws
    I received a blow and a pause.
    Moments later I awoke dazed and confused on the tracks
    With no time to react… People were pissed with my ass
    A light approached fast, gases left my lungs expecting
    What God was presenting, I’d take it without reflecting
    On something I wasn’t suspecting.
    A kid jumped onto the tracks, knocking me way sideways
    If that’s what a train had felt like I’d be doing it on ‘Y’ days
    Amazed at the impact, the light in the tunnel approached fast
    With the horrid screech of tire tracks I screamed last
    Turns out I wasn’t dead, but I wish I was, guilt filled my lungs
    They exploded when I was ninety:
    ......................................Because the good die young.



    Elemental Soul - 44 Fours (Nominated)
    K.Gee - Ten Wishes/ Alot To Me
    Last edited by Hugh Jazz; July 4th, 2005 at 10:03 PM

  2. #2
    Omni
    Guest
    nice piece...the concept is cool but it drags on towards the center of the verse. some slight WOrding, flow, and metaphore improvements need to be made. for example, the line with the banshee should be reworked and the line with Bon Jovi wasn't all that great. Ending was definitely notable.Overall the piece was pretty simplistic which brings the quality i perceive it to have to go down.

    On a 1-10 scale this piece is a 6.5

    return the favor
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207650
    Last edited by Omni; July 4th, 2005 at 02:58 PM

  3. #3
    Hugh Jazz
    Guest
    alright thanks...............your thread is closed.

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    There was some lines in this that really lost me. There werent too many multis in this but it definetly was good. Had tight flow, the strutcture was pretty off but if u read it u wouldnt tell. I say umm 7/10. some multis and extensive vocab would've brought it u pto like a perfect 10.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! demolish's Avatar
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    Damn Dats pretty tight i like da fact dat its original, most cats around be spittin some wak shit.
    I like Da Flow Nice rhyme Shceme, Good Imagination.
    Try To Add More Complex words in your work,
    I Suggest You Get A Thesuarus But I Give It 8/10

    Nice Drop Real Sick


    Keeep Droppin

  6. #6
    Xclusiv One
    Guest
    Yeah this was pretty cool cause the first few lines kinda intrigued me and made me wanna read the rest of it and find out what it was all about....

    I agree wit them when they say that it kinda dragged on toward the end though, but other than that I was feelin everything about it...

    The rhyme scheme was pretty good all though a little hard to flow with at times...

    keep em comin man



    peace


    X..................................

  7. #7
    is in the house Facts Machine's Avatar
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    Battle Record
    34-13
    Very dope piece... the concept was creative and the emotion was felt.
    i liked the ending and the imagery was dope... u got skills in story-lines and the piece was detailed. Maybe more multies would build up a sense of a better flow, but shit was hot anyways. Keep this up.

  8. #8
    Hugh Jazz
    Guest
    thanks ya alll...

  9. #9
    Hugh Jazz
    Guest
    lookin for more feedbak plz///

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