Dearest Daughter

[Civilized Rebel]

Dearest Daughter

"Oh Dearest Daughter" I said, "Where have you gone?"
I stepped into the basement and turned the lights on.

I came down the stairs wearing nothing but my uniform
With only one thought on my mind, my child, my first born

I heared her crying sobs as I made my way down
"Oh Dearest Daughter, what is with that frown?"

I picked her up and hugged her, all ten or so years
I wiped away her tears and hoped to wipe away her fears

But I knew it impossible, for I could not wipe myself away
But she'd still hide in the basement, in the corner and pray

And so the tears flowed freely, like so much literal salted water
I did the one thing I knew to show mylove to my Daughter

I removed her clothes, and my uniform I removed mine
I took things slowly, all good things in due time

I hugged her, I touched her, and carressed her soft skin
She loved it, it showed with tears of joy, not of sin

As we've done a thousand times before I began to pick her up
I set her on the table and she had whimpered like a pup

I knew what was the matter, the table was quite cold
So I wrapped my naked body around her and brought her to the fold

I layed her back on the table and I spread her legs apart
My heart almost beating love, beating of love would start

I slammed my open hand in her crotch, it had hurt I had known it
But all these years of training the pain she had not shown it

Just the silent tears carressing her face followed by my lips
Just me turning her around and clasping a hand upon her hips

I clasped her rear end and I smiled with all teeth bared
I told her we'd try something new and I knew that she was scared

-

I'm going to end this right now. Even I have my own discretion. But... if I were to continue on with this for you all to read, I go on to show that his daugher is actually a negress and he himself is a Deutschlander and that he is a hardcore neo-nazi who had an affair with a negress woman and that he justifies his abuse of his daughter that because his daughter is half-black that she doesn't count as a human. But that half white in her, the half white that is half him, ends up making him regret what he has done to her and when she grows up she actually ends up forgiving her father in the sense that all the hardships he put her through made her a better person since she always figured what doesn't kill one, makes one stronger. And he ends up believing her to be at least half human, so she can forgive him for seeing some error in his ways. But afterwords they end up consumating this new found love for each other and she ends up regressing back into a ten year old and he ends up keeping her in his basement until he dies and she is later found by the police.

[Tourniquet]

<-- Speechless.

And not because this is bad.
I mean the content is shocking to say the very least..
But for some odd reason, I loved this piece.
I cant relate to either the father or daughter, and yet while reading it I felt the intimacy of the piece, like I was lurking in a dark corner there somewhere watching it happen.
Its written flawlessly, all technical aspects were perfect.

I understand your reasoning in ceasing when you did, Im not sure I could ever bring myself to write something like this, and I know I could never write it so eloquently.. but I like where your description takes it, all but the police in the end. Simply because to me what you have written so far, and the outline of where you want to take it, is much more impacting with just the father and daughter being a part of it. Introducing more characters to me (even though their appearance would be brief most liekly) seems out of sorts.. Might just be my take on it though. I think it would lose some of that intimacy..

As always you have utilised your eccentricity and shock value to really evoke my senses.. Kudos.

[Civilized Rebel]

I pondered it for some time, and you are actually right. I shouldn't include any extra characters. But I'm not sure if I'd be able to pull it off entirely. I mean, the end where she is locked in the basement seems all the more foreboding knowing there is no way out, then she suffers from it and ends up being found. 'Course I had pictured her when she grows up to go off to college and have friends and whatnot. More narrative than anything else.

But yeah, I think it would be a lot better and more intimate to have only those two characters.

But this peice is scary. It's scary because while it may not be negresses and nazis, child abuse still happens these days. It's scary to other people knowing this happens. Knowing it could happen to their children. Knowing it has happened to their children. Knowing it has happened to them themself.

It scares me because not only can I imagine it from the abuser's perspective, I can also understand it too. I comprehend the pleasures of abuse.

And that kind of soul stealing scheiße scares the fuck out of me, personally.

Oh yeah... and uppin'.

[Neruda II]

goddamn, psycology to a new level. this piece is stunning in its sheer power to make the reader, well, read. after i read this i cannot believe wat i read, i had to read it 2 times to try and understand, but i didnt bother to go down to the paragraph becouse i was too stubborn and thought it might have been a spoiler of sum sort. back to the poem, i liked it alot mostly because of the level of new material. i mean, im sure no poem like this has been done on this site and u bring a new level to these forums with such great work. i too understand both prespectives, and being able to understand the fathers prespective makes me feel both guilty and strange. i guess its just that u wrote it in a way that the reader could understand it. the part of the father scares the shit outa me personally becouse the imagery is so good that i can see a dark basement, a scared daughter, a crazed white man, and a horrible seen of rape. simply put this poem is breathtaking.

[Tourniquet]

I had to come and read this again...and after reading your reply I thought about what you said.. and wanted to offer a suggestion. Maybe you could continue the piece from the daughters side of things, I dont mean re tell whats been told... but from this point on write it from her perspective.. What she thinks, and feels while this is happening to her. It may, or may not, make it easier to continue..

Perhaps its just the woman in me, but Id like to see the daughter empowered in the end, her fathers death granting her freedom.. Victorious in walking away toward the start of her life. Reborn in a way I guess.

Sorry if my suggestions offend you..I am always cautious when offering this sort of advice regarding a piece.

Once again, great write.

[Enrage]

I've been contemplating what to say about your poem for the past 3 hours. That's how strongly it effected me, bro. Holy shit, when I first started reading it, I hadn't heard true poetry in so long, I almost thought you were talking about you're daughter, like I thought that you were doing that shit to her, and I almost flipped out. My girl thinks it's sick, but I thought it was amazing. Almost remenant of Jim Morrison's dark style of poetry. Hit me back up, I defenitly wanna hear more.

[Civilized Rebel]

L.A.STR~E~TZ, you've always been writing great comments for people, gald I'm no exception. Enrage, thank you. Shit like that makes writing here almost worthwhile.

Tourniquet, don't worry. I aint offended the least bit. I can understand how you'd be careful about it, folk usually don't like to have their shit messed with. But I've reached a point where I'm about to yell out "MESS WITH MY SHIT!"... but then I realized I might actually get people touching my ass and all... so I refrain from yelling that.

I like the idea of going off on the daughter's point of veiw. I might even switch up the style, go from double line rhyme to quadline rhymes of complexity and wordplay. I don't like the idea of her being empowered at the end though.

The woman in you might be saying otherwise, but the woman in me is saying this needs to have a dismal and dispairing ending.

And I have to go with what she says since the man in me is saying "FUCK HER! YEAH YEAH! FUCK HER HARD!"

So it's pretty easy to tell which side to take. One question though, what's the man in YOU saying?

[Forlorn]

Wholly shit!Even though this was a scary read it was a beautiful peice. Great poetry, It was also the first peice of yours i have read.

Definatly the most original peice i have read on rb, Sickeningly beautiful.

Can you please reply to my open mic
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=105131

Thanks for giving me such a horiifying but yet dope read.

[Bruklor]

Well, I’ve read a couple of your pieces before Nec, and I’ve only replied to one (it wasn’t much of a reply either, sowwee).

I loved this. The story, its so…raw, painful, horrific, yet possible. The idea of it all was “horrid” yet it drew you in, made you want to read more. Her being a Negro and nazi mix, and him only loving his part of the mix, wow. The mere idea of a black nazi was just brilliant. I’d love to read the rest of it. Just so I can see the story in its proper form, not a summary. I’d like to read the original written depiction of her reverting back to the ten year old.

Never a disappointment Nec, not at all. Oh, almost forgot, the whole part of her partly liking her dad and what he did reminded me of this picture by Suzi9mm on deviantart.

---On a side note:
I’m loving the signature

[MindKontrol]

This poem touches your soul in a sickening way... I'm ashamed I didn't read this earlier.... The concept fuels your words in a phenominal way... this crusty, grimey, puss filled poem scrapes the embodiment of incest. It seems to bring a simple pleasure to life mixed in a nasty, sick, sadistic filthy recipe from a psychotic point of view put in an unfortunate fashion. My mouth is slanted... 4real...That poem was disturbing. I wasn't ready 4 this. I don't think any1 was... i don't know what else 2 say. god god god.

[Varentao]

The way you played on the 'clinging onto the white half', using a kind of logic..and coldness. Brought such reality and 'fear' in a way, out of this piece and into the mind. I can see this attacking many peoples insecurities...

Psychologically taut and (i wont say the other word, rhyming with stark...cos, oh wait, 'stark' does actually relate to this piece too..taut and stark...)..

I think you did well not to carry it on. As you felt you needed to stop. And so be it. It has to come from you...as you very well know anyway.

...resp...

[Spiral G]

Whoa this was crazy to read! but nice poetic writing lots of flow soudns good Nice

[Civilized Rebel]

Originally posted by Spiral G
Whoa this was crazy to read! but nice poetic writing lots of flow soudns good Nice

Once, a long time ago, a random newb once read a peice of mine. And instead of doing a random once or two sentence freepost that was completly irrelevant to the peice, he said I was sick and needed help.

Of course, that peice was about necrophelia. Not about pedophelia. I guess Spiral G thinks pedophelia is acceptable.

[Calisto]

This is definatly something that makes you think...
The concept of people actually doing that plus the fact that any kind of incest is veiwed as horrid in America makes this peice mentally revolting...
But the form in which you told the story makes it easier to swallow. You seemed to be able to tell this smoothly, it flowed, and still you didn't know what was to come next. You didn't see the father as a bad person until you realized exactly what it was that he was doing to her, and then you were upset with yourself for not realizing from the begining that he had problems, big ones! The rest of the story as well is chilling... the fact that people could see other people, especially those related to them so closely, as less of a human because of any race sickens me. But there are things implanted in people's mind that will never make sense to me, and I don't expect them to.

I didn't read this peice because of the title, or because of the number of replies (which I didn't realize were so large until I came in here), I read it because I know you are a gifted writter and that I could expect something different from you always. Please don't ever loose the some times odd edge you have. Because you have the power to grab the reader and keep a firm grasp of them all the way through, you are certainly a brilliant writter.