A Disciple's Thread

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spit flames

[A Disciple]

Hail Mary Anniversary date… and my gma being buried on her 100th bday

More tomorrow I’m exhausted

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Lmfao I just read that!

[A Disciple]

Guys… it may sound crazy BUT is my baby dad on here?!?? Half the time it’s who I’m talking to… I only remember a few things that don’t make sense and with the atrophy I have in my memory area wanted to let him know I really still am not sure if I do or I don’t

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They brain washed me, huh?

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My first slow mo was 2/3/05… and the anniversary this week… after that I started seeing angels and shadows and like… I like my mental world more so lately - because it became my comfort zone… but then people started playing on my mental like it was a joke… and that’s fucked up…. I wish they can experience insanity in front of everybody and deal with that humiliation too…

I remember Pat and Bardo played that interlude… “caution when having sexual intervourse with a girl like Cheryl, be sure to use your jimmy hat condom” I got mad but didn’t realize they may have actually been talking about me

so… I wanted to make sure my baby dad know that I didn’t know or remember… just a bunch of split seconds that I remembered differently then what it was…

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I don’t understand why psych won’t help me unless I’m 100 percent sober though - I don’t trust it or them… and I’m sure they all go home and have a glass of wine someedays - so why can’t I?

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And I don’t know how I got a Chicago bulls hat and know every word to dirty nursery rhymes… so I just wanted to say sorry if I or they hurt and lied to you too…

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That feeling in my stomach of no way out having to tell him the truth about my real age… or the outfit I had on when my brother got beat up when the red truck came and I ran down my driveway… white boots, jeans, white champion and like…

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The decoy them bitches preset on me too on July 4th… my boyfriend is home, we broke as fuck, but we have comfort and peace… when people not getting in the middle and playing games with both of us

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He hates that when I get mad how hard I get… I’m a protector too though

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So they tied me with magic too and I know exactly who and I want to be free too

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Because THEY refuse to admit mistakes and realities of THEM selves and everything they do and did to cover it up rather than just being humble and saying I fucked up

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That was over 20 yrs ago… most everybody would’ve respected that…. But now they grown and still not able to admit the reality of theirselves either and like…

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Why I have to suffer because they too privy to ever admit being wrong even when we were kids

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I don’t respect that… they cowards and evil and I saw… the more evil you do the more evil you get

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2/3/95*

[A Disciple]

2/3/95*

I want to know who is killing everybody too…



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I do… I want to live and have fun again too… but I don’t want to be delirious or naive and forget shit so easy… like how I had a sports bra in my license pic when I remember what I really wore… and how they do that anyway… that’s hours gone from a day that I didn’t notice too and it’s not fair

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They turned me into a toy or some weapon and like… don’t care even after they see the repercussions from it

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HOV HOV HOV

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Nah that’s not who did or split it
I just heard a verse and slammed on my brakes on a divided highway

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The art of war in love…

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The day the world stood still…

If my pen was a paintbrush, I’d paint a picture to see.
A story in time; when da walls closed n on me.
It was the day the world stood still, innocence lost, and tragedy fill
A day of ending and new beginning –
Witnessed a war: righteousness vs. sinning.
The day started as one of pride,
I couldn’t imagine the secrets the night would hide.
I couldn’t imagine the faith I would come to learn,
Or the realities brought forth of souls doomed to burn.

Don’t know the alpha or the omega, neither was in sight,
but I do know the harsh reality of my bliss that night.
Perhaps I'll never know why I was the only one in the room…
And perhaps I’ll never stop wondering if ultimately it'd be my doom.
Felt like an eternity standing toe to toe,
All the while --- thinking to myself friend or foe?
I looked at him and he looked back at me it seemed it was forever, paralyzed an eternity.
But it wasn't the eyes of my enemy,
More like a familiar stare I became aware that was long lost to me.
But yes, the eyes were cold, they were dark, and they were piercing me,
What courage it took for the angel who ran upstairs to rescue me,
at that moment I realized a hero is way more than anything I could ever hope to be.


I flew down the stairs, passed the quiet guard,
jumped over the porch landed on my feet into the yard,
And there I stood as if I was in this world alone,
and I wasn’t snapped back until to the ground I was thrown.

I think I was in awe, cause I realized the ramifications of what I just saw.
“For by thee I have run through a troop; and by God have leaped over a wall”
Literally!
For this is the night I believe the angels carried me –
The halos and horns I could see so vividly
That is why I believe in my heart a martyr fell before we.

Be still fear in our enemies with ignorance their disguise
Behold the angels with the tears in their eyes.
In that moment we all came to be one – there was no divisible sides,
Together we stood and for a second coexistence won.
There together to witness and mourn the wrong that has been done.
And that is the true meaning of loss when you all wanna talk about “lost one.”

And to he, at his last breath I think he took me too,
And left a lasting impression too real and too true.
For I felt the weight lifted when a spirit was called home and I knew it was accepted,
Not left here to roam.
It wasn’t at that moment I felt restored to reality
But the world stood still did not move again until I felt that first snowflake touch me.
Now, hail Mary

I love my bf get them out of and off me idk how

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“Of my dismiss that night” we didn’t write bliss

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It’s really ignorance on first post but I don’t like that word really

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I do he thinks it’s infatuation but no… it where my life went wrong and I’m trying to pull it back together… and the comfort and peace I get…

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I love him… but just moving super slow

[A Disciple]

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I need my will and discipline back…

[A Disciple]

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Cause that my moms… that’s why… I had to make sure she was straight first

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Back to knock offs… he don’t know me at all…

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Maybe one day… but my bf coming with me

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“Bitch I’m the man”

[A Disciple]

[A Disciple]

[A Disciple]

WHY
He wonders why I act like a boy
He thinks it’s cause of me that people treated me like some toy
He thinks I let them
Who or how like I only know 2 ends
The closest ones to me… my old friends
To let them is against my entire being
Believe half of what they say and not always what you seeing
Cold… nah… not that, I just couldn’t feel
J said you need all 3 - love lust and trust
I just need to know if it’s real
I’m not pathetic I never read shit
And I ain’t your hoe cause even she know if she fuck around she gonna get hit
All I knew of the game was the direction
And said that’s it…
I mean shit…
Went for chords not affection
But now I don’t know where I went
I’m praying for a vampire or panther
Cause my real high school bestie now has cancer
And I’m just asking that you give us a chance sir
Until free will and body was stolen then act like it was cause I didn’t quit
But I can prove it
And not even him trying to say shit
Ok… yes well a little bit
More than anyone else legit
I’d rather die then let them for sure
There’s 2 sides that sleep me
And i still don’t know which is which or who were
One make me real sick and one I don’t even notice
Then shit got too thick but tell me… what’s their bonus
Why? They do it for free
Or do they do it for money?
Because nah for facts I still don’t know this
How does anyone expect me to be less?
WHY?
Yes, I swear and I tried to prove it
But if I ain’t in the game I’m not protected and they block and refuse to move shit
I told him… yo why isn’t just cause they held me down (for you)
I was never trick and usually always had a steady man too
Why its not real does he refuse to tell me what’s true
All im trying to say if you were me?
What would you do!
I pray for the best then they all try to prove me wrong
Idk but I care cause every where I go I don’t belong
But I know I’m strong
I swear to god I never knew and didn’t remember
Don’t ask me cause I was never there
But yup… gone until november
And then they try to tell me that I shouldn’t even care
To let it go
Like hell fucking no
What would you do and I swear I was never fucking aware
I’m hurt because every last one did it too
I’m the ONLY ONE that doesn’t know what’s true
I don’t know what to do…

[A Disciple]

Lost Ones Test

#failed
Yo it wasn’t a check it was for real
I’m starting to understand and AGAIN making excuses for them - blaming the cards god deal
Cold as fuck so why the
He think that’s how everyone treat me
Nah… I just can’t understand the side that he be
nah and that’s just not me
Like he chose to be my enemy
Fat boy you are so dead cause for facts I know you lied on me
But he protect you? Believe you over me?
I’m looking in the mirror feeling super fat and ugly for months
He all I love you I love you but he just fronts
But still for some reason every time he move I’m scared he gonna leave?
It makes me so angry…
Oh what a web we conspire to weave
When I’m not the liar and shit always switch up on me
Like who they believe?
And I felt my voice weaker than a whisper and just prayed it not be
I was just hoping cause nah
I was just hoping cause coping is mandatory
No love lost none found - AGAIN - not guilty
If it’s fake or you’re paid… man then just leave
You took it to a point I wasn’t ready to face
Now all the found feelings I have to erase
And everyone act like it wasn’t love, lust, and trust
But it just bust’d
It got to come out… and I feel you now
No doubt
Just didn’t want to believe that, that’s what you really about
I’d have alll these dreams for when I finally found my man
I’d leave the test in the bathroom and record his reaction for the fam
But he didn’t, he played me, said I was seeing someone else and was anything but happy and it just killed my mental health
Lord… how the fuck you think
Nevermind…

The test was negative… and I’m just sitting here thinking bout bitches who just so competitive
Do or die that’s just how I live
And now I feel so gross inside too
Begging for the right to not forgive you
When someone popular hate you… just look what it do
But I’m a leader not of follower
And our daughter? your new bitch just swallowed her
But still you telk how I got a but shot?
Stop fronting like you real when you know that you not (LOX)
This pain and betrayal AGAIN! Gonna bleed a lot
I feel so gross and ugly
Yeah homie… I been a thot
Maybe I’ll write it on my wall to keep the memory cause he can’t take this from me
I don’t want the attention… I want to support myself and make it all go away
But bad boys never around when I want to play
These 3 words can save the day
But only on the strength of the song umbrella
Cause now I hate you either way

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Idgaf my baby dad just like you any way… and I didn’t come crawling to him cause I know my daughter would’ve lost respect for me

[A Disciple]

I can’t take and don’t need anymore to write about… if I get 1m hits can I get a dollar for each?

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Any more pain to write*

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So baby daddy what up… I was spotting all week like I remembered in inpatient but my situation with Tony I already know I get psycho synaptic

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Why he switched up on me… or why I couldn’t be stronger to stop it sooner… I mean for db and I’m not going to let no bitch shit fuck it up… I’ll just give it to them

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They can take it… i walk away… still trying to find a vampire for Jayme though

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The funny parts of insanity… on my 5 mile walk to get the courage to turn myself in after stealing that Lex… a van pulled up and I asked if they knew 50… the look terrified said no no and took off

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The only ones that answer the phone for me when I need them is fake too

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I remember the last time he cared like a year ago…

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Is someone paying them to pretend to be my friend

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All his friends hate me anyway… I’m socially awkward as fuck… and they all take that as I’m manipulative, selfish or grimy

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Nah my moms I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to my moms… suicide doesn’t take away your pain it just gives it to someone who actually did love you

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But it hurts… like my soul so sliced and diced I cry by accident the tears drop when I don’t even know I’m sad

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Yeah there is like 10 cash apps they did that was fraud but who care… they gonna win anyway and everytime… I never even stole since I was teen yo

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$30 a wallet left on the pump at the gas station… lost my job like a week later… my god the hard knocks

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They can say it but I can too… must be nice to be so privy

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Nah..: that’s what it is though… started every couple of weeks to every couple of days I just sit in my car and cry… I’m done

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I want to cry this shit out and never again

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He find a new bitch he trade me easy… even talk shit about my make up now too… fuck that I’m good

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AIDS always scared the shit out of me and it was nun if I ever got it… which id scream no nun… didn’t get aids but maybe i go nun anyway cause I don’t ever want to try again

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God protected us running… I’d wait in front of the convent and pray and ask god shit while they got it

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He had a baby with a record, he was alone young from another country, me my dad froze my moms assets and I felt we had no choice

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God protected us I know that

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I’ve been talking to god since I was miracously saved from pneumonia in 6th grade… just been blessed to know he real

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Gave too many people chances cause they didn’t know that

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My GMA the only one that callls me mjffy… I might go back to it now that she passed away idk

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She used to wrap my hair in rags cause the rollers hurt too much… her father a landlord I the 20-60s and like - she may have had more soul in her then I do… don’t judge her like that

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At mass I thought about going back… my ex burn sage, we dip it and throw water

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The incense and black smoke too… that’s why he was my comfort zone for so long - but nah I wasn’t holding out for him like that… once you hurt me for real… my heart gone

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My weird random thoughts… I’d say it’s ok I was with god… until I realized what god was letting them do to me

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If the stupid bitch just confessed and told me when shit popped off in 04 it could’ve saved my life - but she didn’t they didn’t and nobody still will

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Said it’s ok I was waiting for him anyway… yo this shit NOT OK

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I’m tired of saying it’s ok

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You know exactly where I want to go back to… a lot of mental like to be protected by the super scary too

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I can’t talk shit he always been nice to me

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Showed and taught me more than any person other then my gma and parents did

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The first time I couldn’t see in the dark and couldn’t ever since thought… that kinda suck

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I know why pac ran in the casino… me I just wu right back and respect and leave… we opposite

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I’m not sadistic and save lives though… at least try

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And pac died before biggie got shot so

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Me and J get along fine and best… so really what’s the problem?

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Pac… I’ll go nun but I lost respect for mase for that - but either way let me know

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“Nah I didn’t know who was telling me or talking shit to me and my soul

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How I got a great like pac?!!?! No clue… but I want to understand what’s going on too

[A Disciple]

To be honest… I was so frustrated I said I would never date a Muslim again that I will respect Allah instead… but for real I need my god back, my RC God and that’s probably why my real man left me

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My first trace was Arabic… idk I can’t call it and I don’t care… I respect both and even my gma made lamb that Easter that he never came home

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I fall into abuse easy and it was getting harder and harder to speak up and be myself… not that he tried but because my family issues and stuff I have mental problems for real… since 13 and they knew that too

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Nah seriously though… the brain atrophy in my memory area and I’m pissed

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After he slept over and Ray lied about the suicide note… I woke up in mental so stupid that I couldn’t even figure out how to dial the telephone

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Like please I swear I didn’t know and still hardly remember stuff - just split seconds

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Nah the fucked up part if the feds still on here… check my medical files… they can’t throw those away - and if I didn’t report it I didn’t go to mental

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St Mary’s in Waterbury and wake med in Raleigh

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What’s that song @Candy I wanna be free I wanna be free I can’t find it but it’s been in my head all week

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So guys… if they do try to kill me again… cremated, with some of my ash buried with a bench as my headstone and an angel statue somewhere to… in DB with my boys!!!!!

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Nah ikon lied to and set up my partner/twin/ex and im PISSED about that too

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Keep him good just don’t… be easy on him

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It went to the point of beyond repair but yeah he was special to me and peace and comfort… but I’m good

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I’ll let myrtle beach 2010 go… I felt the 3 pops I think who ever hired them killed them too

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I can’t afford to pay my parking ticket yet though

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Nah stop I meant, don’t and be easy on him*

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The bitch that put a bug in my ear… get that twisted fucking freak off my body

[A Disciple]

Im over it that I have to live at home with cameras to be safe but can I at least make my own money and all something… I just want to see turquoise water

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And sell something*

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Pay my mom back, and get a new car

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The Chevy… fuck that Volvo for real… its not even that cute

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And way over priced

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Nah what sucks is… once I’m finally gone… I’m gone!!!!!

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Usually we stay friends but fuck all that.., you should’ve and could’ve told me

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I do love him for real and wish the best… but nah there’s no coming back from that…

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I’m sorry too… if I hit I’ll hit you off too for putting our business out there

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Because I make excuses for them and why they would do it…

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I can’t see hear or talk to him for a minute if we even can be friends again

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I just want the voices to go away so I can sleep

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I know they not real

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But it’s really annoying

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My baby dad must be someone real special for me to get an angel like pac for real

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I’m sorry they deleted you

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What… twice now?

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It’s not his fault they all lied to him

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Girl you better pray you’re not still fucking with my social

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What I’m supposed to be Shannon when they the ones that won’t stop fucking with me when all I do is mind my own business

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Just be real… he like old woman and I’m more the 3-5 yrs older type

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It hurts REAL bad

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Definitely not the snitch either… I don’t even have a record why would I?

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They expunged it

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When I stole the car running back

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I can’t sleep

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I can’t sleep… I didn’t hear what happened but yeah I got played too

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LoL…

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Ok so was I really throwing bottles in the studio on my hypothetically?

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Cause o need some help… I just want ito be me and stay me again… it feels like they won’t let me get better

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You think I was mad then? I’m so mad I just feel dead now

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Rex? Nah but the cop came from the ambulance and went in the ambulance- where the fuck was his car?

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I’m too the point I just don’t care… just DO JOT LET TJRM GET MY BODY FOR SCIENCE IF THATS WHATs up

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My brain no… but organs ok

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The principal

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Nah it seem like all the people that do like me over on that side anyway… I’m good either way

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EXHAUSTED

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Just TAF

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Betrayal hurts

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It kills me every time

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Nah I’ve seen hell and suicide highly illegal in my religion - nobody can wish or pray on that

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Cause it was better then here

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Not really… the time I jumped up to the furnace yes… but days like today real hard too… I’ve been crying since October pretty much

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Just get them all off me… I don’t fuck with the shade and they won’t stop

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I don’t know how to

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Nah… it changed me… I don’t think things will ever be the same again

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I’m only going nun if it’s the basement but maybe really the option idk

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The expression “gods gift to you is life, what you do with it is your gift back” and everybody won’t let me

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It’s my life and I don’t want it sacraficrf to them or their cause

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I never got anything I wanted unless I do have a daughter

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I pray he don’t end up with a trash bitch like that but who knows

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I doubt it… woman hit on him EVERYWHERE

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He can take his blessing and just leave me alone

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Strap up though

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Nah I never do that…that’s why I’m so mad too… he didn’t burn me or nothing but still

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Cause I was scared to go back to solitary but realized I have school now

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My phone is my Wilson

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No tv, no radio for months.., NC WAS HORRIBLE and I just feel so bad for my father

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Nah when I opened my gmas box his number was in there… I’m just gone though.,.

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My mom DID like him but doesn’t anymore

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Nah I’m definitely not into hurting peoples feelings

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Just scared cause I have to keep it 100 but hurt and don’t want to do someone help maybe

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Like I tried when he was Iin jail… and I know them exhales were real so I worry

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Cause I’m not like that and I don’t like to HAVE to leave

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I HAVE TO LEAVE

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I’m a go write it on my mirror in lipstick

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I want to sleep so bad… I could t last night either

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Nah I don’t like that not my taste get beasts off me for real

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My body is ruined again too

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Idk how but my fucking vv has stretch marks

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LMFAO

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Eyes wide open

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I’m gonna try to lay down

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I got the eye back

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I’m sick of that abuse too for real god

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And I did what to any of them bitches?

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Nah but I get tested every 6 months cause of what they did again too

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Come weed for rral… I trust you if you leave him alone

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Everyone else besides FSMLJHC I don’t want to forget anyone but fair game too

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I would’ve shot innocent people by accident when I wanted to shoot for help

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Nah I would’ve not did… it wasn’t me

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I don’t even know how to

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And don’t hit my family of course even though I know the bitch did it

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Not my mom… my aunt

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Nah that’s karma… and karma says it’s her fault he lost his engineering license too

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I’m positive my parents did what they thought best for me and I did everything they said to too

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He never told me that either

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He carried a lot of burden… too much…

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I. Skittish around psychs now

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The one I have is ok… but the first day of Neuro testing I was confused and sick in 5 minutes… the second day was fine

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It was so bad I ran out of there

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So I had to come back to finish

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Nah but how every Tom dick and harry can do it too thoiugh? How would you feel? Would you ever feel safe again ESPECIALLY when I was finally safe again… you all just sick and twisted

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They did try to start it with him again

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Just leave him alone and help him to be happy

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He broke as fuck now too

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I don’t even want to hear about repercussions don’t blame me I didn’t ask anyone to hurt me

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Or not to help save me either

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I have no kids, I have no family, I barely have a life… I don’t want to go sober and I def won’t until I feel better

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He was hugging over nips and 20s LITERALLY

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Bugging* like you don’t know I can down an entire bottle but will stay away from drinking

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Like my mom says… addiction happens when something really bad happens and you can’t get over it

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So im trying… and I know I can still be in my family as the only one

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EVERYBODY in the rooms and I was proud they sent me early so I knew the signs and to be honest it’s only when I don’t feel good

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I don’t feel good real easy… and he say I fight like a boy? I go down quick and hate it

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Cause I was back in school, working, and we saved $500 so far… I have no clue how or who knew that

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Lost everything except school

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I’m hanging by a thread

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Simple to you… torture to me

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Please get them away from me and out my zone

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Maybe cause we weren’t right for each other idk

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Im doing my friends hair tomorrow and her daughter and im exhausted idk how to sleep now

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I do I just want to sleep

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I know it seems like I always shut you out, I think that’s a spell too

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I don’t understand why he was waiting for me to leave when he could’ve just broke up with me

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Nah I need someone that loves me back and couldn’t do me like that

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It felt real though until

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He’s been steal for like 1.5 weeks now and got a new bitch out in the nice car again… I’m good

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HMU when you figure out what’s best for you and maybe I will still be single but we see

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Doubt it though

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Not trying to diss him or disrespect type but I’m not stupid either

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Nite…

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He didn’t fuck up if he didn’t love me… lying to me saying that is

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But what ever I am crazy and no one can deal

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Idc either…

[A Disciple]

Nah cause when I said I wanted my mom in their with me when I went back they said no… I don’t trust psych anymore

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My psych let her but Neuro testing wouldn’t

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They saw it was making me retarded and wouldn’t stop

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I know I slur now and everything

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What’s the lobby of having dreams if they never come true?

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What’s the point… and that’s the shit I’m not with - get them off me

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Just a family

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He can’t even give me that either so how am I should

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Soukd*

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Get them infectious spirits the fuck out of me and never let them come back again

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I’m starting to hate him more when I hear him say that over and over in my head and he tried to play it off like he was talking about going to the bathroom

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I’m not with or for anybody that fuck with my head PERIOD

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I’ll write it on the mirror in the morning and give simba to good will and burn the fake posties just to desl me in right?

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Reel* me in

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I don’t want a family now… too old and too sick

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The ring… he can give it to his new butch no problem

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Why people even pretend though… its so stupid

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I just want it start with turquoise water… even that dream been forever

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I trusted him cause I felt like I could liferally die in his arms it was so comforting

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Not anymore anyway either

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Remix belong in I the fame… “I don’t want a man I just want your man though

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Belong to the game*

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Get them out of me it’s MY body

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He wonders why I like tit FOH

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Maybe that’s why he hates it though

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I’m not the one that smokes crack sither… good luck with that though

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I hope o don’t get myself shot before I see you guys again

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I can’t help it

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TAF

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Gonna try to sleep again

[A Disciple]

Cause I know I deserve a man that wouldn’t