A Disciple's Thread

[Candy]

xoxo

[A Disciple]

Pic a topic… love, war, pain, or should we just do if it was legal so I can post it and laugh!!! That’s what I think I wanna do )

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@Candy if it was legal let’s do… but it does need to be tweaked to fit into an audio cause I don’t know how to rap just write so you can adjust as needed and stuff

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OMG I CANT WAIT TO POST IT TO FACEBOOK… and just laugh and people who understand what’s been going on all these years can laugh too cause they know it’s not that serious… but if I was truly socio it would’ve been

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I loved growing up that my mom was a candy girl… all we used to do was shop!!!

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Or I’d watch her put on her makeup

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The worst part was she made us eat healthy ) like unsalted pretzels, peanut butter and celery or apples and even used fruit saying it was desert!!!

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And then she left him…. And it was bad financially cause she never worked since my dad was in college… and my dad was moving money around so fast the judge froze everything until the divorce was final… but he still had mad money somehow

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He cheated all the time so idk what the final straw was cause she even said one of his secs had an abortion. His side bitches boyfriend sent my mom a registered mail with all the letters and proof that my dad had an affair and I think she was so sad moving to ct and not having any friends she literally punched him in the face and busted his lip!!!! I can laugh and say good girl now but at the time I didn’t know what to think - then they made us leave the house and sit in the driveway so they can talk…. It felt like hours

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And you know she still took him back? I don’t remember which came first but my dad got caught being in California cause the earth quake… that wasn’t funny either

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My mom been thru a lot and is the strongest person I know…

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I love my dad to death cause I’ve witnessed him just get served and served and served ever since… he was sued and lost his engineering license and boom no more Brownfields…

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His ex wife left him for her friend that used to drive her and would eat dinner at our house almost every holiday…

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He came home from work one day and she had the house cleaned out… furniture GONE!!! What else…

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He’d kill me for telling people this… but I got him pegged. He grew up in a family of 6 very poor. Was smart as fuck and got a scholarship to Manhattan college. At first paying back loans and stuff he wasn’t making that much… then he became president and it was over - bitches who wouldn’t give him the time of day started throwing themselves and the rest is history. He did know how stupid he was losing a diamond like my mom and I felt bad for him and that too…

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I can’t listen to this song without crying - it reminds me of my parents and my mom even put one night that they were all dancing all night at his services too. My parents were happy in NY it’s when the money came that it all fell apart… moving to ct might’ve been a bad choice for all of us but idk

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Just like me and ced… when the money came!!! When I kicked him at he threw $2k at me and said good luck bitch. I swear I almost killed him I never been so mad in my life!!!!

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Him? He always had girlfriends and we had an open relationship it was HIS idea to move in together and take it to the next level so I stopped dating and he didn’t one, then he started not coming home. I got rid of my apt but he wouldn’t get rid of his 2 then he saw me getting so skinny and sick and stressed and on yay but he didn’t care 3. I never thought he’d treat me like that bitch and he did. So I remembered my mom and got strong and cleaned up too!!!! I had to take in 3 roommates to cover the rent it was a fucking nightmare

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My boy was cracking up when he came to visit and there was a HUGE box to the left of all the stuff he actually did move in

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Open like i could’ve dated but we were together every day any way and just didn’t until he took that girl to Florida that d told me about… and I was so hurt cause he never took me on vacation and his boy made me look stupid and was asking me why I was and I slept with him and to be honest - it ALLLLL was hell and went down there

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I was like what 22… 23… I didn’t know and I didn’t realize until L preset almost a similar situation to get back to me for something I didn’t even do just what someone lied to him about and made him think

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As far as cheating… I get it and I get it! But I didn’t cheat on everyone and was only committed like that to 5-7 people in my life soooo like… I didn’t cheat on all of them but all of them cheated on me

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Nah I heard it was ok he’s been been retired

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If not fuck him!!!! Where is he?!???

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He had the pac quote on his forearm and lazer removed it and him and no one even tells me why… but now that I’m aware of the correlation that pac represented me so much it just really makes me think for real

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No I can confirm my dad never gave me money… not even $500 to go to PR cause his wife and my mom I never owed her a dime until I kept losing my jobs getting sick

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My dad actually died owing me money but I called it even for the no rent when I had to move back to my condo

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He bought some of my cars though

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The inheritance was less then his hotel bills but enough and I was happy and I didn’t have to borrow and I could do what I want and not be some adult child restricted and it was perfect. Except I wasn’t allowed to book my cruise cause of covid so I never saw turquoise water

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My Altima and Prelude… everything else except my IA was me

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I took on abusive traits from my dad like hitting which is why I loved ced to death for teaching me how to curb them or not over reacting and handling it… the funniest was coming home from the city and he said something and I just jawed him! Or popping his tires with a screw driver, jumping up and down on his car roof… putting motion lotion all over his truck… yo I was bad as fuck lol

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I worked a lot on my temper… but at first when I met him at 16 I was fully loaded with anger

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Verbally I would slice you with my tongue I worked a lot on that too

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I don’t know how to write a book AT ALL… but maybe I’ll find a class to at next stage of getting back up and getting to a life that is manageable

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What made me stop beating him up? He choked me one day and I almost passed out… then when I said ok. I was dumb checking him across the street when I finally found him and my car and he was with girls…

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The girl came up to me and I asked “who the fuck are you” and she was like “I’m so and so” in a baby voice… ced saw me start to get out the car and just jumped on me and choked me out

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He took her to his moms house that night… I only know cause the house I was living at they all were having sex when I was trying to sleep and it made me uncomfortable so I called him and he came back to pick me up and dropped her off… he never let me in his mamas house either

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Stuff like that… I wasn’t black… you know

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And that’s why I’m so mad cause I knew way back when with that $2k incident or even worse that is was never us but I thought he was my best friend regardless when shit got real. But when it got the realest (when I’d get psychosis) he was GONE… he just wanted a side bitch and I wanted a man and a family

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My mom had a love hate relationship with him… he used to stay or live with me on and off and she loved what he did for me a lot but hated how he would treat me sometimes like fly me up for the weekend and then not even see or spend time with me… an emergency you know… and stuff like that

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To who ever say I served him back?!??! Fuck out of here I always kept it real and he knew I was just looking for real. He was just being selfish trying to keep a bitch on the side.

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We had a conversations about weddings once and I was shocked when he said he wouldn’t invite me to his and I’m like you’d be at mine easy… we didn’t always have a sexual relationship we were on and off SOOOO much but friends first I thought and dead opposite… side bitch or your gone… by mother fucker - rings went on

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I don’t have a song that remind me of him though I don’t think… and even when I wrote him to “song cry” that was more my walk of looking for real and not him… “umbrella” reminds of him a little

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“Until the end of time” kinda is our story though…

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Him? Yeah he know more than he say but feeding it to me slow… he despises him

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To be honest that part about “don’t freeze time to be a G” remind me of Fred… maybe that’s why his girl got mad at me when I was showing him the website but it’s not like that… it’s like that cause I froze when they were shooting and he pulled me down and snapped me out of it… and used the turtle to try and pull the 3 pops etc

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And when he saw me told me who to go to…

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Pac gives me permission if it’s managed and handled… first for comfort and to be able to slow down and think maybe being in my dna to begin with and then for weight management cause these meds… I don’t know how I’m a balance out but I’m sure it will be fine.when it gets so real that I can’t even tell if I’m dead or alive - I tell myself it’s ok cause we all here together - if that help anyone else get thru it too

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Sometimes it feel like you about to wake up in surgery!!! It can get bad… especially for us who plan for and expect the worse so anything better than that keeps us happy

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I got to the point where I said why do I even have to… I want some basic rites that almost everyone else gets too!!!!!

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NOBODY like me drinking and I’ve been real good…. But besides a one at dinner or something or a nip it’s just a straight up hell no all around

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And they want me to smoke weed again which sometimes helps but it makes me wanna eat and I don’t have enough discipline not to

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So I’m a just stay in my lane and smoke with my boy… or sometimes

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I like E but can count on my hands and toes how many times I’ve done it… it’s funny cause my medicine slows down chemicals so I won’t feel it at the time and like the next day feel it for like 5 minutes again… I’m not messing with that cause it’s around my trigger area if my meds kick it slow like that… you know?

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Alright ima break it down… it’s like talking to the devil or god even when I do hear voices or etc like it’s all just hallucinating type I ask him to be kind and he usually is. But the other stuff that real people do?!??? You all crazy for that… you might get away with it now but you will answer in the after… I’m still gonna try to do my best but that doesn’t mean your doormat sucker bitch either

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I heard writing the same things over and over again… probably… but my therapists and drs never answer or listen either but it helps to just spit it out and like… all eyes and ghosts and spirits and aliens… they not gonna dead this entire thread so maybe just filling in parts they should see or know

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A real court… when you’re guilty you allocute… ask for forgiveness per say… but you still go to jail…. Feel me?

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And I’m not gonna say everyone is going to hell cause you really don’t know what someone else is dealing with or the leniency they may get cause it can be that hard… just try your best id tell my seeds and live your life and make your decisions so that you can answer to god in the end and tell him why etc cause there is gonna be tests… and we all not on the same level or in the same grade

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What makes me mad is when someone expects to demand my path or decisions or try to twist my life to accommodate theirs. You not getting a page in this story… and I’m bringing up to my god why you’ve been allowed to make me suffer for their cause for so long… I believe I’m getting some strength back now and true friends but if they EVER knock me down or come around again I fucking swear!!!!

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Why doesn’t my god terrorize them like they do me though?

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If you think insanity fun you tripping… do you know how scary it is at the moment you have ZERO control over your own body? Nah cause then you went and did it again in another way… who the fuck even serving me and for what to begin with though?!??

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In life insanity is the worst thing I ever had to face of been thru for real…

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That 9x in one year though… it’s why I’m slow now and the drs told my mom every break does more damage but here they went any way… that’s not fair to me though

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I read that that soulmates aren’t the ones that make your heart beat fast or knees weak they are the one that gives you peace and comfort… but what does that mean when there’s 2 people that do that?

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I don’t believe in marrying or dating 2 people… so I’m a deal with the real and go this direction a sec cause I’m confused as all hell all around

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Only when they around though… I heard him LOL

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I know and I know and I’m ok with that as long as he’s ok with knowing why I do dumb shit like that… cause if I held firm he would’ve said come back and then I’d have to say no again and he’d know I’m still seeing him and drama and everyone in our business again so for 5 minutes… fuck it. Especially if it shuts everyone up and we move and build cohesively like a team. Especially when we on level one… you wanna up it to level 2 let me know and we lay out the rules… but right now? How many people you doing for real lol and I know and I expect it… and I also know how super safe he is too! I’m sorry but I literally felt like I had to, to keep the peace and to be honest he my only day 1 left and I don’t want a relationship with him but that’s my boy like family and I don’t wanna lose the friendship either!

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I’m gonna go do my cards

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My mental illness is medical… you bitches cat fishing, stalking, calling people your boyfriends cause you just fucked them, etc etc etc… at least a pill solves most of my issues!

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Yeah after 5 minutes of being in the car I just exhaled… and I heard and remembered my laugh again… almost laugh too much

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You ever wonder why sometimes when you laugh it sounds like how you cry? That usually my fake laugh…

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I’m a be single on level 1 and get these cob webs out and see if I know him as well as he seems to know me… he cool as fuck and I like him a lot. But nah I’m moving slower than a turtle I promise

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I don’t know what I would I do… I wouldn’t go ballistic or violent but I’m not gonna let myself get sick mentally over it either…

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Helping me to find myself again too in a way… and I’m not throwing extra props in that direction… just… idk either but I have a feeling he’s starting to explain it to me…

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He said it’s like a clatter and promised me he didn’t… it’s rubber. If he did I’m gone for real…

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FB says relationship… not married…

[A Disciple]

I just saw… brb

[Candy]

sweet aite prolly a week

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its perfect size for the beats i got

[A Disciple]

@Candy I can’t wait… I’m so exited!!!! It’s gonna be funny when I post it…

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@Candy my city weird as fuck sometimes I feel like I live in the hills with their secret society’s… why it have to be like this though? The only people I don’t get along with that I know of is some of my old friends and a few random stalkers my exes grew… I think

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Baby daddy… I’m not mad at you and maybe it’s my fault but I can’t remember but cause of I’m never dropping him either cause yeah maybe… but I really don’t remember

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I know he knows and that’s not fair… like I’m not disrupting my entire life and circle just cause he’s home and I’m on a whim… you know? Show me more maybe but like… not right now especially when I have a lot of trust issues now too.

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I’m hurt and blame Obama… 9/11 never happened again so how the babies were all killed the same way again too! Laws should’ve been placed and I’m sorry but the teachers who don’t wanna carry should find a new job then cause in my opinion protecting the kids is part of their job too!!!! I voted for Obama but I’m sorry he fucked up right there… every school in this country should’ve had an armed guard!

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The situation kinda was just forgotten and swept under the table and Newtown like 15 minutes down the road from me… it hurts different today.

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Being mentally ill as well makes me super mad cause psychos like that give us all a bad name!!!! That’s not mental illness… that’s just pure hate and evil and narcissistic and like… it’s why I have such a hard time with certain people who group mental illness like that the same.

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He might be… he said like 2 things I’ve said before and how I think too… but idk… I just hope we all figure this out together! No animosity and soon… like if I have babies you just as dead wrong as them bitches too to be honest

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I remember naming Jicera but I also remember a mookie jumping to my arms when he saw me too - he was like 6 months

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I’m confused as all hell and you’re helping them keeping me spinning with no answers… why?

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Do you know what they did to me since I woke up?

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To be honest… the abuse has been less now since we got back up…

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Tap to my leg… ghost or voodoo or them witches again cause they have me and my body and my soul all mixed up… they can’t just change my fucking god and body without even consulting me

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JAIL.. they can go to JAIL… not me. I wouldn’t even spit at them bitches just get them away and let them go please

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Why I still hear or feel like them sometimes?

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I gained 4lbs… sorry

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Something was up today considering everyone was acting crazy… what were you in town again?

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Like their games are so petty and stupid grow the fuck up!! Secretly stalking and playing games with peoples heads or secrets behind their backs about them is not even high school level - it’s just plain weird and unstable to be honest

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Someone attached to my iPhone account and be fucking with my phone… adding songs… I have emoticons that I never even used before in my recents and I’m just so over it… do what you want… stalk me all you want… go jerk off to what ever makes you happy. I can’t think about all that right now or I’ll never get to a life and mental that is manageable. But to be honest because they are perpetuating and playing off my mental illness - that’s a charge. That’s just straight criminal and cruel and I would love to get to the bottom of it but my family doesn’t believe me

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Yeah just a secretary with last year out at $85k … you don’t think I wanna kill these bitches?!???? But I can’t… I can’t even fucking support myself now

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I NEED TO MAKE MONEY!!!!!! MY OWN MONEY!!!!!! I’m about to check schools to see if they have a course on writing a book…

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I don’t really enjoy reading so I really have no clue how lol

[A Disciple]

I wish I knew who kissed my forehead when I was crying in the shower and leaned my head against the wall after they beat me up in my own home somehow… and shit like that… and people are feeding it to me… just too slow… like when magic said tractor. I remember getting up to move for the tractor after I was assaulted and roaming crazy for days until my dad and ex got me…

[Candy]

respect your city sounds dope

[A Disciple]

But god still fucking with me like I should just accept or let anyone do what they want to me and my body… YEAH RIGHT!!!! and I hate to jinx it cause I am starting to stand back up again with most the abuse gone but not all… and like… I didn’t even sign up for this shit… WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

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When I wrote to youre the man I realized I knew it just suppressed it after I remembered again and read it… it was still inside of me somewhere knew it but to be honest… idk either… and the last thing I wanna be is a psych! I have angels and I miss my angels and we were getting me thru it fine with no problem minding my own business then here come these witches again like Yo I am TIRED AS FUCK

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@Candy I respect my city… I just didn’t move there until 9th grade and anyone who tried to “welcome” me got deterred and lied to I’m sure…

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Why is he so mad at ced… what did ced do?

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My foot has a pulse right now… lol… when I can laugh it’s cool but it’s like when pac said “you either ride with us or collide with us” it’s just how it is… on a spiritual level we either get along or we don’t and you can’t force it you can’t force someone to like or accept you especially in religious or sacred ways… and they took my sacred and made a joke of it and abused me physically, sexually, mentally, and socially and like… I just wanna know who and why and why no one helped or protected me from that?

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It feels like people I don’t respect because they disrespected me or trying to demand they know better then me and can tell me or demand what I do or feel or even choose my religion for me.. it sound like someone outside making owl noises smh

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I remember wishing for my moms birthdays back… didn’t realize until like 8 years ago that my mom didn’t have a birthday curse though… I did so like… could be my shadows could be my babies but I have every rite to know… I’m a go write and try to sleep but doubt I’ll be able to…

[Candy]

yo i tried the mic and its locating the power but the programs i got arent locating the mic from off the laptop so i recorded it on the laptops mic but its so shit it makes your verse sound bad so i threw away that sample.. ill keep trying during the week prolly look for another program but it looks like that im not going to record you a track..

i mean its like the beat choice and your lyrics are dope what i can come up with on a shitty mic.. but i dont think im going find a program that picks up this mic just a brief outlay of what and where your tracks up to ima try again and check back with you when i def know but not looking good so far

[Candy]

i downloaded three programs and closest it got to connecting to the mic was that you could select it then it just dissconnects it straight away.. so i cant make you a new song

[Candy]

il be honest i was happy i got my mic..

the album beats are still there..

but if and only if i come across a program a long the way that works with what i got il make that track for you and find you so you can have a copy..

anywhoot goodluck on your travels and i hoped you slept well peace love you xoxo

[A Disciple]

My friends say when they read what I write but it’s so different than me to the eye… and sometimes cause it’s how I get my real feelings out and face to face most times I can’t spit the words out… or maybe they see me less against what I am - I heard people out there downing me and ok I know and expect that but needed that extra slice cause… tell me… what you do? How would you act? How would you feel?

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@Candy what about just using a headset? Do you have one? Would that work?

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I appreciate it love you trying too…

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I got one for work but it’s definitely impossible to over night to Australia and get back for work in time for Tuesday… and my check gone already and I don’t even get paid until tomorrow… I hope and pray if you can do it that it’s so hot we make some money too!!!! @Candy

[Candy]

i can use a poor lap top mic which picks up the voice but its so low that it makes your track seem shitty compared to what its worth

[A Disciple]

I don’t want to hear my enemies voices or souls or spirits when I go to pray… 10 years!! Or maybe less if my soul mate flip around like that so easy then maybe mine not even here SO WHAT! FUCK IT! BYE! I’m not afraid to die… but pac even saying he afraid to live I feel like

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When you don’t do shit it shouldn’t be shit

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I have a lot of questions

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Nah I’m all for the voices or older type vibe look any way…. I wanna hear it!!! I can’t wait @Candy

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It doesn’t take much to make me happy…

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Nah I just was exhaling talking too…

[A Disciple]