A Disciple's Thread

[CLA919]

Kings Reign


After Jay Z

When I looked through, I saw you, and they, they adored you...
But, if only a dream, then damn - I applaud too?
For my head say time become true with a thought and a wish that’s long overdue.
Then again, we all just psychic dreaming, to distinguish mine over mind when they, they’re just scheming.
Intellect in disguise, because if it’s too real, it’s too true; we demise.
We all play the role of the wise, or the clown to despise.
And just because a tear is to drop my eye, doesn’t necessarily mean I am to cry.
A soul bleeds through and through and every teardrop a reminder, a gift, from him to cleanse you.
Not better, nor worse, more so, kinda like a gift and a curse.
We learn to channel the fear, overcome, persevere, but still, when will it all really become clear.
If ever.
Cause maybe I deserved it, but no I’m not lost, just willing to sacrifice at all costs.
So you call it a suicide or to crucify, I call it hanging from the poplar with no reason why…
And I.
I’m just waiting for their shine to wear off.

[CLA919]

I Tried…


I never thought this day would come
That I’d be apologizing for being so dumb
We’re from different sides of the block but our stories are all too true,
Money don’t change a thing, just another factor, another payment due.
People try to say you had no excuses
But I know the plight of my would be black man
Sometimes what I’d see when I look into your eyes, the pain I couldn’t stand
I can’t pretend to know what you went through
I thought the soldier was me and I’d let you pretend it was you
But shit got reversed and so out of hand, you refused to see
I didn’t have the heart, and now it just is how it’s gonna be…
I didn’t have to be with you, I just wanted to watch over you
But the demons we hide inside are too powerful when we come together as two

Try to keep the faith

We’re from worlds apart, but you never took the chance to see where we were alike
Don’t you think it’s strange for a white girl to get upset and spit it through a mic?
The first time I went away I was 13, I grew up real fast in there… so beware of what I’m about to say!
I cut my wrists 127 times… 63 left, 64 right…
Cause that’s how many times I had to listen to my mom and dad fight.
I did it cause I knew the state would kick him out,
That’s really what it all was about.
To get at one, I’ll take myself out.
He used to beat her too…
I guess somehow I tried fixing him, when I tried to fix you.

Try to keep the faith

I’m weak? My leather is SO soft so my only weakness was you…
For my baby there wasn’t shit I wouldn’t do.
To the last breathe I swear it was true.
For every bad thing they had to say about you
I was going to shut them the fuck down,
That’s why I bought the Ac you’re still riding around.
But somehow in getting you right,
You lost sight
Of who was true to you,
And I lost control,
Forgot my role…
Because I realized, for once someone was stronger than me,
And I was no longer the only kamikaze,
So I bowed down,
And gave you the crown,
Usually I let em think that
But it was real… and now the joke is on me.
All I have left are these words and I’m just trying to make you see,
This shit right here isn’t how it was supposed to be.

How we ever came to this?

[$pitacular]

This, was exellent. Even if it's not your personal story, this was a definite MUST read, and it was well written. Nothing too fancy, straight meat & potatoes of emotional turmoil and a suggested sense of desperation. I didn't watch the video, I'm not into this whole 'post a video in your OM' thing (seems to be a more common thing nowadays?) but the piece you wrote was worth reading for sure.

Is this taken from personal experience? At any rate, well done.

[CLA919]

Yes... Me and my ex... Near and dear to my heart and thank you!! @The Real Spit

[$pitacular]

oh and I meant excellent

I don't know how I missed that typo damn it lol

[iDeaLoGiK]

Despite the lack of complexity this reads surprisingly well. Some lines less so than others i guess. Try experimenting with multi-sylkable rhymes

[Fresh]

Very powerful, Flow was impeccable. I really like how you incorporated the feeling of this beat with your lyrics, and also how your lyrics coincide with the lyrics at the end of the song. Nicely done. My only criticism would be the same as idealogic,try out some multi-syllabic rhyme patterns.
-Fresh

[CLA919]

@xXFresHXx what's multi-syllabic rhyme patterns? Can you give an example... usually I just write, I vent, I don't think... I wanna step it up a level.

[Soule]

I've got one complaint about this piece, but I'll save that for last. I like your wording, though it's not exceptionally creative, it's smooth and reads right off the tongue. The concept is good. The storyline is fairly overdone but assuming its a personal experience type piece. Now for my complaint, your rhyme scheme. It's far too simple man. You need, not just some internal rhymes, but more syllable rhyming too man. It'll make the piece more entertaining to read. Overall, good read. Keep working on it.

[CLA919]

@Belligerent thanks... I've been checking others work to see how they rhyme. I'll check out yours too.

[Soule]

I haven't posted on this site in years man, I'll write a new piece later today and if you want help just PM me. I'm a semi finalist, finalist and former heavyweight champion in the topical league so know a little lol.

[CLA919]

NICE.... thank you!!!!!!!!!!! @Belligerent

[Fresh]

severin minds that r never inlclined to be better-than-my veteran rhymes.

thats a small example. on my xbox now takes 4ever to type. hopefully this helps a little.

[CLA919]

@xXFresHXx got you! Thanks

[Soule]

Walking through the ocean, talking to God when I'm engulfed in emotion,
dropping from devotion, dodging my wrongs, with no intention to cope with.