Welcome to the 1-2 Punch Mag of The Year - Zelph Edition!



Text Version of The Introduction

Good evening fellow concept biters and line flippers! Turns out, as I was typing this I noticed my IP got banned not only from work, but now from home! Yay! Well, hopefully after I submit this the almighty admins will have some consideration and unban my shit considering I am an innocent man. Now....lets get started! The season as a whole thus far has had its ups and downs. When <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=80321" target="_blank">Magnum P.I.</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention --> was modding, shit was running smooth at hell, then all a sudden he got unofficially merked by our friend and foe <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=29748" target="_blank">ILLunatic</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->. Some say he made an "ugh" noise, flipped his hair, then walked away. Others say he was murdered by Jessica. What really happened? The world of RB will never know.. Last week was a fluke, I flipped a line thats been used tons of times and I got booted for nibbling blah blah blah its ok I still have sex with women I'll live. Also, <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=88280" target="_blank">Barcotic</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention --> got hella robbed in his Champ match against <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=261353" target="_blank">Greedy</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->. I got banned so I decided not to vote, but regardless of my dislike for the Barcotic guy, I still think he clearly won. Also, <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=261268" target="_blank">Lenox</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention --> complains like a widdle lassy after losing to <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=262105" target="_blank">alohadog</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->. Lenox, you're doing great keep up the awesome work. Last thing I would like to say before I get started, what is up with the <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=262122" target="_blank">battlerap123</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention --> guy, he talks like a dumber version of <!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=190116" target="_blank">Joe Boston</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention --> but he has some text skills. Keep an eye out.

Last Weeks Recaps

Zelphish vs. iSpaz
This could have been a pretty cool battle, the top 2 prospects of The Ultimate Battler tournament facing off against each other. Zelphish decided to be lazy, scroll along his instagram and borrow a bar his friend BIT! Grr. iSpaz dropped a pretty good line actually and would have taken some actual thought to try and beat. Props to iSpaz, no props to Zelphish.

Pistols Pete vs. Rhymes
This Pistols Pete guy has one of the worst names I have ever seen, damn bra. Rhymes wins via no show, and Rhymes is a cool dude since he's in my crew.

Unfuckable vs. 3bet
3bet wins via no show, unfuckable lives up to his name and continues to get no pussy. Therefore he is GAYEEEE.

Dark Matter vs. Art
Dark Matter wins via no show, Art says he didn't know about the due dates, and its believable due to the sudden change, but RULES ARE RULES! Tsk Tsk Tsk

The Infamous vs. Enbombz
The Infamous wins by unanalmous decision. He had a pretty decent name flip on Enbombz and took it. Enbombz came pretty weak here, didn't really understand what the fuck he was talking about. Last week he came dope af, this week errrrmmmmm naaah cuh.

alohadog vs. Lenox
alphadog had a damn good line here, emasculated Lenox even more than he already has been. Poor Lenox...he's been fictionally discriminated against because of his young age and small balls, but in this battle that didn't matter...or did it.....Lenox came with some dumbass shit that I feel wrong having to quote. My good friend alohadog wins this battle pretty easily, better luck next time you tattler.

Greedy vs. Barcobitch
This was a pretty decent champ match, I personally think Greedy dropped a half ass line for a champ match. Barcotic took it a little more serious and came up with something much better. Regardless of what I think, the voters thought completely different, although pretty even, the voters gave Greedy the benefit of the doubt and crowned him the winner. Stagecoach vs. macys clearance rack...

battlerap123 vs. TheIllyricist
Damn I hate typing Illuricist's name yo shits tricky. Anyways, battlerap took this one pretty easily. Not sure how the other guy got any votes at all but props to him to doing so. His bar was very noobish, as battlraps was pretty decent. Still body/sleep paralysis..cool flip

Joe Boston vs. Smog
Joe Boston came with a pretty predictable punch, I didn't sense any humah factuhs so that's probably why. Smog came with a pretty cool wordplay although wording was a bit off. Smog wins.

Coup vs. Killing Spree
Kissing Spree wins. Coup doesn't get his two door back from the pound.

Composure vs. KnowP
Composure came weaker than last week I think, hell of a writer but needs some work on text skills. KnowP came a bit played but overall it was enough to win.

Fresh vs. MUFF
who cares

...................................JUST KIDDING I WANT TO GET UNBANNED!!!!

My good friend Fresh aka "mother of two" came with a pretty bland bar this week, he's been doing quite consistent in past weeks but this week his bar was hell of stretched and didn't quite work out. MUFF needs to calm it down with the simile punches, Amen is getting mad bra we don't want that. Anyways, MUFF's punch was pretty decent I liked it actually. Good shit, Props...to BOTH!!!



Predictions for this week

Barcotic
KnowP
joog'n aka Greedy (not sure why they allowed him to sign out then back in on another name but its ok some people get away with actin up...and some people dont)
Not N Nice
Dark Matter
Lettermom (although I wouldnt be surprised if alohadog pulled the upset)
Dr. Opinionstein
C