Cellphone rap 1 AM message

[Wordz AhGod.]

Brain washed, I find value in dishonesty
flames swash and wisp the gallows out from poverty
A novelty written, the hard cover is pressed
The heart is destroyed and barely a lover to its chest
A box where the soul should be
I'll give you the most of me, together we'll treat the world antisocially
Infatuated and seeping air
A kiss on the cheek awakens the sleeping heir
Staring with a bleeding glare
If the drugs don't kick in, should we leave em there?

Pause

That's all we need before the dream is lost
If you kill what drives me I'll take a taxi to the evening moss
stained memories on the sheets in the grieving loft
A one night stand who couldn't rise up to the needys cause.
Leaving blood on the carpet
what is love if not getting away with murder under the cover of darkness
...together
You never.. loved me
As you hung from above me,
I feel distant, a massive guilt. The act is real
if you've never given up before then you don't know how passion feels
cast away from a life of praise
Don't bother watching, I've never had the time of day
I escaped with blood on my hands And though it felt wrong
I did it out of boredom, like when I wrote this on my cellphone.

[Wordz AhGod.]

Will add my links once I get to a pc. Even illunatics auto message didn't even post here hahaha

[Oxymoron]

Brain washed, I find value in dishonesty
flames swash and wisp the gallows out from poverty

these are cool lines, i like brain washed and the multi syllable rhymes. good word choice. i like the starting feels like a sad lost tone.

A novelty written, the hard cover is pressed
The heart is destroyed and barely a lover to its chest
A box where the soul should be
I'll give you the most of me, together we'll treat the world antisocially
Infatuated and seeping air
A kiss on the cheek awakens the sleeping heir
Staring with a bleeding glare
If the drugs don't kick in, should we leave em there?

last lines a little ambigious but rest is pretty cool emotional writtens about a lover of some kind. Rhymes are still decent

Pause

I like the pause. Scene change. sink in information time.

That's all we need before the dream is lost
If you kill what drives me I'll take a taxi to the evening moss

this tells me the piece is about a dream im thinking. althugh i dont get the 2nd line, you mean taxi to a park just before night or something? probably. or if i read on its a hotel? motel? place to stay.

stained memories on the sheets in the grieving loft
A one night stand who couldn't rise up to the needys cause.
Leaving blood on the carpet
what is love if not getting away with murder under the cover of darkness
...together
You never.. loved me
As you hung from above me,
I feel distant, a massive guilt. The act is real
if you've never given up before then you don't know how passion feels
cast away from a life of praise
Don't bother watching, I've never had the time of day
I escaped with blood on my hands And though it felt wrong
I did it out of boredom, like when I wrote this on my cellphone.

[/QUOTE]


okay a little twist at the end. Double twist almost lol. cool. I thought this was quite sweet man, pretty poetic and had decent technical ability on the rhymes with a neat choice in vocabulary. imagry was solid too. not much to fault for me. keep doing ya thing.

[Wordz AhGod.]

Lol its about getting away with murder for the most part.. speed writing so I didn't take time to refine anything lol. Thanks for taking the time brother.

[Winning]

It was well formed and structured and u hit alot of key points

[Wordz AhGod.]

not even sure what that means haha but thanks I guess.

[Emily]

Wordz, I really like your multi rhymes in the intro.
And your wording. I like the honesty, in the dishonesty.
And the hardship of the second line is evident, nice phrasing.

“A novelty written, the hard cover is pressed
The heart is destroyed and barely a lover to its chest
A box where the soul should be
I'll give you the most of me, together we'll treat the world antisocially…”

I like that you don’t cheat the reader by skipping the emotional scenes.
A bit of Bonnie and Clyde goes far when it’s done well, like in your last line
here. “…Together we’ll treat the world antisocially…” That’s cool.

“Infatuated and seeping air
A kiss on the cheek awakens the sleeping heir
Staring with a bleeding glare
If the drugs don't kick in, should we leave em there?”

Interesting question at the end of those bars. The build up to that is cool,
with a lot of description giving me more layers to think about.

“Pause” --- lol. I did.

“… stained memories on the sheets in the grieving loft
A one night stand who couldn't rise up to the needys cause.”

I like the journey I’m taken on and the show of struggle.
It requires me to sink deeper, and it resonates well.

“Leaving blood on the carpet
what is love if not getting away with murder under the cover of darkness
...together
You never.. loved me…” This is my favourite part.
The “You never..loved me…” drives me wild.
I like the flow of these lines, but “You never loved me” came as a slap. I didn’t expect it.

“I feel distant, a massive guilt. The act is real
if you've never given up before then you don't know how passion feels..”

Beautiful bars here.

“Don't bother watching, I've never had the time of day
I escaped with blood on my hands And though it felt wrong
I did it out of boredom, like when I wrote this on my cellphone.”

“Don’t bother watching, I’ve never had the time of day…”
Nice, Wordz. Nice words.
I like that you didn’t go with heavy handed melodrama, instead going for a bit of
distant edge, which leaves a numbing feeling. You’ve kind of restrained yourself from
being too obvious, which lets me experience it my way.
The character is obviously missing a sensitivity chip because ‘he did it out of boredom’
And yet he’s quite deep because of the displayed emotions.
Gotta love that.
So for something you just whipped up, Martha Stewart, this is pretty good.
I know you could have refined certain things, but being on your cellphone and all,
busy with a murder to plot, I get it. Regardless, it impressed me.
I love your writing Wordz. I really do. I wish you dropped more often.
Good stuff my friend.
Good job.
Keep bringing it.