Sergeant Graves: 'A Soldiers Story'

[SiK]

Night rose, flakes are falling shadowing his sight post like a white ghost
His canteens ice, froze, he sighs: “great”, then hydrates with some light snow
Still, with his eyes closed he tries to rest, a tired mess tucked inside his vest
No fires left, frost is in his hair with the frigged air that’s engulfed his entire chest
Desires left, his match was met, at the bottom standing at disasters steps
But passions kept, he sets off remembering the pep talk and tears that the pastor wept
The thought is sober…See, Sergeant Graves just had a battle and lost his soldiers
His haunted soul hurts, cause all he can picture..is them, disfigured and crossing over
He gains composure, bullets fly in the foreground; he has 7 mags each with four rounds
Looking for more now, searching the dead with evil lurking its head, he’s northbound
Ammunitions restored, proud, Sarge finds a grenade, and a soldier left to die in a grave
There’s a pulse! Light as it may, he’s alive, and as a soldier, ready to fight for the brave
He revives him in place..and they march to the fight, leaving behind the dark of the night
They embark to the site; led with pride towards the gunpowder that sparks n ignites
Reaching a distance that’s safe they commence fire while the enemy’s stricken with strafe
In a subliminal state and in urgency; he nervously fires 10 bullets, but misses with 8
His only soldier takes a hit to the face, 1 round n he’s gunned down, submission to fate
Graves shoots magazines number four…five, through the blood and the gore thrives
The type to see the fear through your eyes and intensify it with an overwhelming war cry
He’s a fighter, had bouts, so the conflict angers him, he detours from the sad route
Full of hate n being mad shouts: “frag out!” and grabs the last rounds from his mag pouch
Unloaded the clip in a massive rage, masses slain, no chance of stopping, there was no sign
Yet it’s a shame, Graves should have disengaged, but was lost in the war with his own mind
When the smoke cleared and with hope near, he discovered it was friendly fire the whole time

[SiK]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...tro-to-Mic-rap

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...n-the-pen-game

[makengknowcentz]

wow your flow and th eimages your words paint are sick...I love feeling like im there watching it instead of reading and you capture that emotion perfect one thing I notice wth a lot of cats here is that the mor ecomplex they try and text the more simple it seams ...you don't seam to ave that issue though a few spots were a little simple or predictable they actually added strength to your work not weakness. this is great read I look forward to seeing more from you.

[SiK]

Up @KnowP @Witty.

[143]

This was some nice storytelling here. Classic form. The flow was smooth and the long bar structure help keep the movement at an even pace. The technical aspect was there but not bold, but it wasn't needed for in storytelling drops you want to capture the readers imagination in which you did with vivid action phrases. The story itself was cool, the character getting lost in conflict was a great angle. Over this is one of the best storytelling verses I seen in a long time.

[SiK]

@The Great Father

[MsPush]

This was a really good peice. I don't have anything negative to say about it.. In the beginning and through out it was very descriptive. It put me in the mind of a book I read in elementary school called George Washington's socks. Idky it just did lol. But any way u tell a good story. I like pieces I can visualize and the way u wrote it was an easy sell. The multis were on point, word usage and flow were on point. My favorite part was the ending, it wasn't expected. Good way to close out a great peice.

[Witty]

I'm gonna get to this for sure, hit me up with a PM incase I forget lol

[Truth Iscariot]

i thought i left feed on this??? @KnowP what is this witchcraft?

[SiK]

i thought i left feed on this??? @KnowP what is this witchcraft?

Havent seen it.

[KnowP]

Desires left, his match was met, at the bottom standing at disasters steps
But passions kept, he sets off remembering the pep talk and tears that the pastor wept
The thought is sober…See, Sergeant Graves just had a battle and lost his soldiers
His haunted soul hurts, cause all he can picture..is them, disfigured and crossing over

dope. i really liked this part.



you bastard. why u end it like that lol. this was damn near an emotional piece that i got wrapped up in. on some saving private ryan shyt. u really have an intense way of story telling with a great mix of multi's. this was an easy read but it kept my attention all the way through. there was one problem with the word "strafe" that kinda threw me off. not sure if it was a typo or was supposed to be placed there, but it lost me in the rhyme scheme. other than that, this was sick dog. didnt know you had bars like this. cant wait to read more from you.

[SiK]

Up sluts

[SiK]

Uppin for feed from @Witty.


and ill feed anyone who feeds this...

[Narrator]

This was very well written, I think I read this before, perhaps on netcees? Anyways I dug the progression and the imagery and loved the way you paid attention to detail.. well for the most part. My only gripe is that towards the beginning you said he had 4 bullets in each clip the halfway through he fired ten shots and missed with 8, I guess I dont see how thats worked. Also in the end when he fired off his clip, you know how long it would take to do that? About 2 seconds lol. Idk that just made me laugh. This was a great piece though and I think it's rightly deserved to be nommed for a hof. This was tight man, I enjoyed the read.

If you get a chance, I posted a similar piece I wrote about my experiences called "soldiers only" I'd love to get some more input on it, thanks.

[Truth Iscariot]

Ok. Sorry it's taken me so long to RTF. I had some in depth feed a week or two ago and something made that shit go bye bye. (I still suspect Knowp) but anyhow, This was an awesome display of storytelling. The twist at the end was great, nowadays it seems most twists are "it was a dream" but you added a twist and kept it fresh. You had a solid rhyme scheme and great flow throughout, there were no holes or hiccups. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It's already nom'd and deserves to be imo. Good work bro.