Owe This To Otis

[Clive.]

I’m one with the page, painting pictures with my words
See, the visual is heard when I listen with concern
To the sounds surrounding me, the signals are observed
On a mission in the city in the Mission this occurred
Kinda spur of the moment, with a burst of emotion
I’ll be sure to stir up commotion in a circular motion
Just to keep you on your toes like surfers who don’t swim
In the middle of the ocean… the current exploding
Over oner’s production, the one punching the drums in
We stay building so the structure’s under construction
Each bar I’m busting is ripping through concrete
Cause I dig the underground, discover my songs deep
I’m taking long leaps, and all the haters stay behind
It’s beast on the east… forever green state of mind
When I create the design, ya’ll already know the setting
I’m sitting on the dock of the bay like Otis Redding

Links:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...554/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...006/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...000/index.html

[Puerto Rican Thunder]

I dig it

[Euphoric]

First off, you seem to have a natural knack for flowing your words well; it's redundant to say it again but your piece did flow nicely. Overall, it was kinda short and sweet. Decent rhyme scheme--although I think that you can elevate that even more to include more creative wording (again, you've got a good flow and good rhyme schemes usually accompany that so I'm assuming it'll come along). This doesn't exactly tell a story but I don't think that's what you were going for--so yeah.
Hopefully, I'll get to read more from you; a longer piece maybe (I personally just prefer longer works).

Keep it up.

[Clive.]

Thanks...

[Extinctor Draconis]

you're dancing the thin line between shitty feedback and barely acceptable feedback


improve on that

[Mr. E]

Sweet flow. Nice vocab. Ended strong. Little on the short side, but either way I thought it was pretty sweet.

[Express'on]

’m one with the page, painting pictures with my words
See, the visual is heard when I listen with concern
To the sounds surrounding me, the signals are observed
On a mission in the city in the Mission this occurred

Dope rhyme scheme...feeling this...

Kinda spur of the moment, with a burst of emotion
I’ll be sure to stir up commotion in a circular motion
Just to keep you on your toes like surfers who don’t swim
In the middle of the ocean… the current exploding

whoa u fell off kind of hard...lost all relevance and even flow...

Over oner’s production, the one punching the drums in
We stay building so the structure’s under construction
Each bar I’m busting is ripping through concrete
Cause I dig the underground, discover my songs deep

last line was dope...could have been worded better and set up alot better but def, straight

I’m taking long leaps, and all the haters stay behind
It’s beast on the east… forever green state of mind
When I create the design, ya’ll already know the setting
I’m sitting on the dock of the bay like Otis Redding

not a very good ending...just rhyming and that isnt even that fluid