The Girl I Hide Inside Me

[Dor_tos]

I close my eyes
And take a deep breath
Of everything around me…

I began to feel how this lovely earth appeals to me
With its slow and steady breeze
Bringing back the ease
I crave every day
I feel the suns shining rays
Shine back the warmth
I been hiding away for so long

As I began to feel these things happening to me
I begin to feel the hard shell I hold with all my might
Slowly melt away
Revealing the other side of me
I keep away
So nobody will see
The girl I wish to be

Only if I knew how to chip away the pieces of the hard shell
That I put on everyday
But it’s so hard to do so
When the thing I’m scared of the most
Is you

feeds-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...136/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...973/index.html

[unadored]

This was good in the sense you presented a story and it progressed,
though I'm not really a fan of rhyme poetry where you are ending each line with rhyme.
For me it takes away from the piece and confines you to boundaries based upon that chosen scheme.
I would say start playing around with your word choices and evaluate your language, it will add some gusto to your writing. Not bad.

RTF http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...639/index.html

[Spoken Deity]

I'm closing this because your feedback isn't lacking. You have to look at our rules thread at the top:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...491/index.html

PM me links and i'll get you set up again. If you feel you dont know enough about poetry to give feedback, this is a good time to start thinking semi-critically about writing.

[Mantra]

you can pm me as well.