User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Waiting On Life (Finished verse)(New lyrics)

  1. #1

    Waiting On Life (Finished verse)(New lyrics)

    Waiting On Life

    Hope this ones better than the first version..


    I'm enveloped in this sense of disgrace,
    Hellbent on leaving this hellish place,
    Filling dull time up in hellish ways,
    Sex, Drugs, N' all the stuff parents hate,
    But i still feel no love when the party fades,
    4 hours ago, but it felt like 10 days,
    My hours overlap and reverse like insane relays,
    My minds in and out on some inverse delays,
    Im so sin cursed,
    Winters cold, Where the fucks my May?!,
    Fuck i need to make my Spring today!,
    Why's Spring come if it never stays?,
    I'm tired of wakin' up,
    Still in the same old drive way,
    Tired of wakin' up,
    Realizing it was juss a dream,
    So tired, but time has foresaken me,
    Day and night aren't what they seem,
    My days are dark,
    Long thoughts drawn out,
    Tick but no tock,
    The clocks on stall now,
    A while back,
    Me and time must've had a fall out,
    Cause like miles these days stack,
    No chance ill make 365,
    I'm still on that driveway vibe,
    Hit the gas, while i inhale monoxide,
    Everythings spinning as time dies,
    Then the Devil starts whispering sweet cries,
    Then shots fire like arson crimes,
    Screams in the background,
    Like barking whines,
    Clocks bring that sad sound,
    Now i see stop signs,
    (heavy breathing)
    Now i'm awake,
    Sweat breaks, wide eyes,
    I can't walk, it's like i'm on skates,
    I can't talk, like my mouth is closed gates,
    Time controls me,
    Deadup like imposed fates,
    So sublime when i'm in those states,
    Where has the time gone?,
    Nowhere, Like closed freights,


    Feedback would be greatlyy appreciated!

    Links:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=445071
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=446070
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=446034

  2. #2

    Re: Waiting On Life (Finished verse)(New lyrics)

    Any Feedback?

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    59

    Re: Waiting On Life (Finished verse)(New lyrics)

    Its not bad but its nothing amazing. The flow was going pretty nicely until about this line

    So tired, but time has foresaken me,
    Day and night aren't what they seem,
    your syllables are off, fore-sa-ken me (4) --- What-they-Seem (3)
    you last line would have flowed better if you had put in what-they-would-seem (4)

    You give off a great vibe of the characters struggle in his mind and i think you sacrificed a more technical rhyming scheme for it.

    Keep it up. 2.5/5

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    59

    Re: Waiting On Life (Finished verse)(New lyrics)

    yo give me some feed on this piece if you get the chance Thx..

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...094/index.html

  5. #5

    Re: Waiting On Life (Finished verse)(New lyrics)

    Uppin' for some feed, i need to know what i'm doin right n what i'm doin wrong, so lemme know

Similar Threads

  1. BULLSHIT...finished verse
    By $MONEYMAN$ in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: January 28th, 2008, 08:10 PM
  2. Replies: 0
    Last Post: October 24th, 2005, 05:52 PM
  3. Fucked Up Mind (Finished Verse)
    By DiZtuUrBed VoKal in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: November 11th, 2004, 02:34 AM
  4. Replies: 0
    Last Post: January 30th, 2004, 10:30 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •