Hands full of sand

[Topic]

Hands Full of Sand
By: Elaborate Eatery

We danced;
Jovial concentrations
Radiating from our roots.
Playing mind games;
As our feet tapped
On the wet part of the earth.
Kicking up sparks
Of good times;
And igniting lost memories.
Grasping nirvana
And breaking its wings
So it will stay awhile.

I did this all
Laying on my back
Mouth gaping in bewilderment.
Disillusioned and awe struck.
Inebriated and side tracked.
Welcoming tap shoes
To leave their marks
Where I can’t make an appropriate impression.
A lasting indentation
Of which the sea erases.
So I ask these dancing shoes
To return once again
And subdue my landfill
Of buoyant memories.

I lay basking
Remembering recollections
With loved ones near me.
Standing like I once was.
Their hands not full of sand;
Because the memories created
Wringing out of the atmosphere,
Falling to the ground,
Mine for the taking.
And I want them all
So I can share them with you.
My hands are full of sand
Because I make sure I have a grasp.

[Topic]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...332/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...908/index.html

[Mafioso.]

aight first I like the name and concept of this poem...this was pretty good I like the way u started it that first part was strong for some reason i enjoyed it well...all this was strong

We danced;
Jovial concentrations
Radiating from our roots.
Playing mind games;
As our feet tapped
On the wet part of the earth.
Kicking up sparks
Of good times;
And igniting lost memories.
Grasping nirvana
And breaking its wings
So it will stay awhile


the breaking wings so it will stay line was prolly my favorite line...that metaphor was strong I liked it a lot...u followed up good as well but I felt like u couldve went in a lil stronger on that 2cd verse not sayin it wasnt good cuz it was but u couldve made it a lil better but still good
3rd verse was good I liked it too u ended it strong, the whole hands full of sand concept was dope...overall defiently a dope poem I enjoyed the read good shit would like to read more from u...leave feed on my poem a ugly reflection

[Topic]

up?

[Topic]

Leave me feed and I will do the same

[Outty]

You had good metaphors here. the first verse to me was prob the best. it was really strong and it gave me a good picture in my head. The 2nd verse wasn't bad its was alright. you couldve done a better job. The 3rd verse was a nice closer. it flowed perfectly with the rest of the poem.

[Bruce Ban-again]

How about this: You don't have to give me feed. I'll still give you feed, yes. But I want you to explain this piece first.

Understand?

[Topic]

ok I will explain this because I can see how the meaning is hard to understand.

For the most part it is based on a man, me, drunk on a beach with the people he loves trying to not let these memories go. It's about the times they spent having fun with eachother. For the most part it is full of metaphores describing what is happening. The nirvana line signifies his passion to keep the memories and good times from leaving.

In the second verse I mention marks in the sand, this resembles the loss of memories and the act of needing more people then just yourself for the best of times. Hence, I ask "dancing shoes" to return to help make marks even though the marks will be loss. In this verse I mention that the person is drunk and laying on his back in the sand with others around him.

The third verse, which I see as the most confusing, centers around his love of the memories and how he wants to keep them. He knows that noone is trying to take it all in like he is so his hands full of sand resembler him collecting the memories that have fallen onto the beach. He is not taking things for granted, and while he feels that everyone else might be, he knows that he will have a hold on things in the end so that they will not be washed away by the sea (metaphorically).

I hope that helps

[Bruce Ban-again]

Powerful in it's own right. See, Nirvana has more than one meaning. Nirvana in the literal sense of the word has no wings, of course. Which means I'm assuming your utilizing it's more generic meaning, as a concept, and metaphorically applying wings to it. (Which just makes sense, poetry and metaphors always work well together. Literature and metaphors not so much.)

An honest suggestion would be to apply in place of the word Nirvana, something that both captures the concept, and has wings. An angel, for example. (But angels are a bit cliche. Yet, still, a fairy barely captures the concept of a good time; in fact they usually give us mortals a hard time, as most fey folk tend to do.) Word choice is difficult sometimes. You may have already thought of a number of things to use when you wrote it, and deciding upon nirvana. In which case, it doesn't need changed at all.

Words like jovial, radiating, roots, kicking, sparks... all good word choices. They work well together. To me, they invoke what can only be described as a fire but with "happy" as an emotional attachment. Considering the literal location is a beach... a bonfire would be an appropriate image in my head.

Perhaps "smoke" would be a good word. It has "wings" since it flies up to the sky, and goes well with the rest of your selection. But on a completely different chain of thought... even ocean waves would work, as it would help build the setting. (Not that you exactly need it. "feet leaving marks," "sea erases," and "buoyant memories," all do a good job of getting the setting, and are concentrated in the second verse.)

Also, props on using a word like "buoyant." It's a weird word and hard to put into anything except in it's literal sense of a buoy.

Technically, nothing wrong with the third verse. You're right though, it is the hardest one to interpret. My suggestion is to find a way to drive more emotion out of it. How? This I do not know. But I do know there is room to interpret the emotion, without being precise. The way I read it, it could be desperation the subject is feeling, or sadness. But at the same time, not anger or fulfillment.

Other things I liked about it was it had many images. Like, you focused a lot on feet. I'm not a foot-guy myself, but whatever floats your boat, as it were.

And thank you for your explanation, because now I understand.

-

[Topic]

I understand your idea of switching out nirvana, but I do not agree. The word nirvana, and in this sense that it is used, does not have wings. But should it? Would the suggestions make sense with what is being conveyed in this poem?

Here I have taken the feeling of nirvana and placed characteristics on it so that it has the ability to come and go...which, in a sense, it does. However, with that line I am capturing the feeling for my own. I am forcing it to stay, thus building up the anticipation and reinforcing what the reader will read in the next two verses.
Using the smoke idea or sea idea would not only negate that idea, but eliminate the emotions conveyed throughout as well.

What the subject is feeling can be seen as desperation. From my explantation earlier it can be seen that he wants those memories. They are his and, possibly, he needs them. I can see your ideas there.

Many times I am writing I do not write with the subject in mind, but the envionment that is influencing the subject. It hinders it somewhat for the reader in their understanding but, while I enjoy other people reading and telling me what I need help with, I also write because it helps me sort things out in my own head.