...Self Critical [Extended]...

[Mr. Black]

aight well.. this was a pretty introspective read. it seemed a little self indulgent at times almost to the point of being obnoxiously so .. but you write what's running through your head at the time so there's no fault in that i guess.

i think people need to read closer in order to catch all the internal/external multi syllabics littered in the verse, because the structure is set up in such a way that the scheme follows a pattern - but some of these were off ..

caused two abortions, all too remorseful .. no .. some others .. but it's not my style to nitpick at little technical errors and shit .. you know where the rhyme is perfect and where it's not, obviously it wasnt meant to be i just tend to be a perfectionist about that shit you know.

Get it? Forget it…I think its ill that a kid skills brings envy
Ooor?
Does the definition of a kids vision still twisted resemble me?

i know cry said this was .. vital .. to your piece as a whole but to me this was one of the more vague and filler-ish portions. i didn't get much of anything out of it and it just seemed like some kind of forced flex on rhyme .. yo my definition of vision is twisted, blah .. even beyond that .. it's just self hype .. more than self critical this seems more like an introspective ego stroke than anything. maybe 'ego stroke' is a bit too far, maybe 'self reflective'. idk but the title wasnt necessarily matching up with the content as i was perceiving it.

really wasn't feelin the 'ooor?' and the 'pause.' between lines .. unnecessary .. slowed down the pace of the reading for me .. kinda corny imo .. yeah.

there were also a few parts where i wasn't fond of your wording..

in particular .. 'resisting the gist to commit crimes' .. i get that you wanted gist in there to reenforce the rhyme but it just wasnt workin for me. maybe its a residential thing ya dig. idk some of this was lost in translation for me.

'Humanity is dying, pass yourself the iron, clap it aint you mind and'

clap it aint you mind and? WHAT? tell me that shit was a type esco .. you cant be forcing schemes like that fam ..

now for some positives .. really dug the 'settled dust' analogy .. attached a fitting image to the idea. the past is a re-occurring hurricane that sweeps through our living rooms everyday. we are doomed to spin around in it's winds as far as i can see..

Understand it might contradict for a cause; its all true
Living within its moment
Don’t wanna war, but I’ll battle if I must cuz im just a raw dude
Giving his emotion...
Giving up is hopeless, gifted but Im open to listen if its spoken
…Wisdom is the prize
Given that its token, a lyricist proposing to mirror his devotion
Is spinnin you his lies
Im a prisoner of mind, thinking isit time, I’ve be sinking in the tide
Of insanities ocean

liked this section in particular .. besides the 'raw dude' line .. which just wasn't my flavor. everything fit together nicely here in terms of your scheme / structure, and the first line is truth. people are so quick to point the finger and tell you something you said or wrote is different than something else you said at a different time .. but its hard to understand that people feel different ways on different day - the opinion, thought, expression is really 'living within its moment' .. the expression itself cant defend itself, it just is. and everything we feel is always subject to change. when a certain angle is solidified in an art form it becomes harder and harder to break from that angle without gettin static for it..

anyway .. overall .. there were some elements to this i wasn't really feelin, but that doesn't mean the whole verse fell on closed eyes. it had some real insightful and interesting hallways to explore. wish you would cut out some of that 'fuck it its onn you!' or 'frruuuuuck' bullshit .. that was annoying as fuck to me and i dont care if thats what you would say in real life or not .. i personally dont wanna read that and shit like that takes away from the intellectual content of a verse, not contrasts with it.

confidence is the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

keep doin you esco.

1

[Cody Nash]

thread cleaned...

[Rabid]

its a nice read, not really that much of a topical & for only 2 multies in the rhyme scheme, i feel like a few of the rhymes were a stretch.
still nothing really wrong with it. just keep using that thesauras