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Thread: Cleaning House

  1. #1
    Topic
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
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    OH
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    35
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    1,164
    Battle Record
    3-3

    Cleaning House

    I put the upholstery on your soul
    Not thinking of the consequences.
    And when you couldn’t breath
    I gradually put a stop to it.
    And as you came to be
    And your lungs filled up with air,
    I hung the wallpaper on your insides
    So that I wasn’t in your hair.

    I painted your gallbladder’s closet
    So that no one could tell,
    But I still needed you to know I care.
    I scrubbed the floor of your muscles.
    They really needed it.
    And I mopped up those muddy prints,
    Others left on your cervix.
    I scrubbed the toilet in your liver,
    Because alcohol has done the same to me.
    And I put new filters in your kidneys,
    But the vents seem like they are fine.
    I washed the windows on your eyes,
    Carefully so I didn’t burn you,
    But the tears were still leaving streaks.
    I took out the trash you had been neglecting
    That was sitting in your stomach,
    And I removed the lime that was building
    Around the shower head of your spine.
    I wish I could help with the mold,
    I don’t have the supplies to handle that.
    But I will make sure to lock the door when I’m done
    So your heart doesn’t get broken into again.

    I did all of that so you know I care;
    Still willing to take care of you.
    I have wishes that bring you back to me.
    Dreaming that you will maintain,
    This level of cleanliness I have given you.
    I hope you accept this apology.


    I will get links after class but just wanted to get this up. Wrote it a while ago and found it today. Leave me links and I will return the favor. Like I said, dont close this as I will get links after class.

    responded to prof. james and sinizter
    Last edited by Topic; February 26th, 2010 at 04:34 PM
    Scytsophrenia

  2. #2

    Re: Cleaning House

    I definitely thought this was tight. You did a great job piecing together the second stanza with the correct organs/body parts that applied best to what you were saying. It was definitely unique for an apology piece, and I always love to read something different.

    I put the upholstery on your soul
    Not thinking of the consequences.
    And when you couldn’t breath
    I gradually put a stop to it.
    And as you came to be
    And your lungs filled up with air,
    I hung the wallpaper on your insides
    So that I wasn’t in your hair.
    I thought that was a pretty good opening. My only critique would be that I think you could have made a couple lines a little smoother, and worded them more efficiently, but only to a minor degree. Enjoyed it, thanks

    check these out
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...900/index.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...567/index.html

  3. #3
    Topic
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
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    Re: Cleaning House

    I do agree that the flow needs to be worked on. Thanks man ill look at yours here in a second
    Scytsophrenia

  4. #4
    Topic
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    Re: Cleaning House

    feed me seymore
    Scytsophrenia

  5. #5
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Feb 2010
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    4-1

    Re: Cleaning House

    feeling the concept.. it was original.. at least i've never read anything like it.. solid writing though i feel if you spent a little more time efficiently wording each line this could be outstanding. still a great read tho man.. keep this shit up.. look forward to reading more from you

  6. #6
    Topic
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    Re: Cleaning House

    thanks man. I thought it was pretty neat when i was thinking about it so I decided to try it. Some lines really do need some work but thats alright.
    Scytsophrenia

  7. #7
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    4-1

    Re: Cleaning House

    word still a great piece all in all man... if you could rtf on any one of my pieces it'd be greatly appreciated brethren

  8. #8
    I'm here to Destroy YOU! Galactus The Devourer's Avatar
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    Feb 2010
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    2-0

    Re: Cleaning House

    definetly a new concept to me.. some tweaking seems to be in order for this to really stand out.. nice drop because of originality. pz

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