Forced Facades

[Masahiko.]

Forced Facades
by Utsuri


Am I really all the things
that are outside of me?
Are you? I'm up to my neck
In thought. Skimming my hands
across the jagged surface.
Swimming in a pool--
a pond of pondering.
Fishing for the biggest catch.
...Myself.

As my thoughts vacuum up
through every orifice.
I stand there full.

Gorging on gorgeous.
Vomiting ugly
The ground shifts beneath me
Until the wind picks me up
and takes me away.
I can't touch it,
this feeling.
I just am.

Am I only the things
that are outside of me?
Can I wash away my face?
Will this mask just melt away
and drip down
drop by drop?
I'll watch the acid
burn a hole to China.

a festering stench,
a lingering sound,
my eyes: envious
the touch is smooth
the taste is stale
I am at home
in this pitch black world.

If I can be defined.
Don't use your eyes.
Wait for me to guide you
before you make the
wrong turn, and end up
lost in guises.

A chrysalis is flawed
but the butterfly....
is perfectly fine with that.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...356/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...783/index.html

[spokenoh]

Interesting piece. My head is really clouded right now so I probably can't really properly reply. But I'll try anyways.
I liked some of your word choices and disliked others. The "gorging on gorgeous, vomiting ugly" part was clever and I liked how you worded it. It follows the "I am full" nicely. I didn't like "a pond of pondering" and "pitch black world". There were some others things but I'm a bit lazy to find what else. The pond line just seemed like it was being clever for the sake of being clever, and although it fit with the stanza's theme, I found it pretentious sounding. I also don't like the description of 'pitch black' because it just seems like an overused phrase. I see how it fits in with the senses part, with 'pitch' able to be paired with sound but I didn't like how you ended it that way.
The title was a turn-off for me. I just don't like alliteration for some reason. I did like the last stanza, and how you used the beautiful to sum up the poem's theme. What if it turned out to be a moth instead of a butterfly? Sounds like you could make this a two-part affair.

[Masahiko.]

Thanks for the feed man.

I definitely feel I should change the pitch black line. I love alliteration though. I'm going to toy around with some of the shit you mentioned, thanks homie.

[Masahiko.]

any more feedback?

[Alyse Miller]

i really enjoyed this. you have one of the best wording here i need to learn more of that but i loved the emotion you placed here i loved the 3rd stanza much imaginary i always enjoy a good poem to read keep droppping the soul.

[Jamhuri]

i love the concept. I like how the persona first sounds unsure of who he is, pondering on his definition, but believes wrong judgment is only o.k coming from him/her.

If I can be defined.
Don't use your eyes.

nothing prettier than that. my fav lines.
I personally think ur words were well chosen.The last lines are the poem's life, by the way.