User Tag List

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2 3 4 ... LastLast
Showing results 31 to 45 of 73

Thread: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

  1. #31
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    38
    Posts
    5,316
    Battle Record
    15-10

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    i wasnt refering to gangster shit as poetry,its the furthest thign on this site from poetry,i was just stating a pet peve of mine,other than that i dont find simplicity ruins a piece,unless its like cat in the hat simplicity,if its good its good,complex or not.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


  2. #32
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,094
    Battle Record
    11-23

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Heartbroken Slavery


    The, grey picture absored all forgotten problems many from our reach,
    heart warming souls looking for escape -
    many believed in the bible, but we beleived in freedom of speech.
    In our moralled hearts words actually ment more than pitiful actions,
    Slavery traded for satisfactions,to see torment and our screamish reactions,
    They teased us in hard labour with agonising pain switching motions, -
    harder they teased i felt, not just our bodys, but in our broken emotions,
    We praised in religion for god to show us a path, for unexplained answers,
    but, all we got was blood drips, dropping from our eyes onto blinded canvas,
    we were proud people,although any dignity i had seemed to have lost it,
    out of welfare, greed, heartless bastards, just for better fortune and profits.
    Hiding behind closed hands, hoping if i couldn't see them everything will go,
    Crying in self doubt, i was scared but for them i was making an ammusing show.

    "I wasn't sure i would come out alive" but i knew love was still unborn,
    I felt love into my heart, as dignified as a rose followed by their thorn -
    The world was aginst me, The seas clashed and the thunderstorm rages,
    blotched spotches of ink dripping, so basically hiding under blank pages,
    we had no other choice but to be sold, held by our will and the restraints,
    God fucked me with heaven, so now im left to believe in the devils saints -
    THIS TRADE HAD TO STOP, but my ankles and wrists smothered in chains,
    weak...my eyes dialated, pain was apart of me as it ran through my veins,
    plungered in the spine by this horsmans stick,i set aboard of the dusted ship,
    had to obey commands or i'd get whipped, forced me to undress so had to strip,
    these bastards need to stop, bruises painted my body with meaningless pity,
    Imagining a place off this slavery ship, into a law against slavery city... -

    I was stuck in this problem, nothing could stop my unwilling situations,
    thinking of a time, where blacks could be set free from grasps of caucasions,
    I want this nightmare to end, i hate being locked in a jail cell full of insanity,
    freedom of speech was still burning bright, but no movement from profanity.
    I just sat there taking the sexual anger, as tears protect my innocent smile,
    Law abided citizens ignored there gracious rules, roamed in a place of hostile,
    Slavery was painful, we were fed water and wheat just to keep us alive for dollars,
    metal "clangs" as we walked, taped into a wooden seat with a iron chrome collars,
    we gave up hope... in ever finding a solution, god betrayed us again and again. -
    stopped all minds working all movement, and stuck in injustice's domain.

  3. #33

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Ok heres the deal the flow was good at the start i really liked it everything went smoothly, the emotion was off the top i felt you captured how it felt to live in that era however you should add some more imagery, to give us an idea of the surrounding, for example there are simple words that can help your imagery alot, ie. you woulda said u were working in afactory for low pay It would of told me that it must of been a terrible working condition and you were suffering which adds more to your emotion and now when i close my eyes i can picture this, but while your down this you must maintain the flow because if your flow begins to get choppy and im forced to re-read your lines just to get an idea you lose grasp on me and i stop reading for fun and just keep reading without any interest. i felt that as you kept going on with the piece you got bored and just started writing off pure emotion, nothing wrong with that but when you get to that point you need to just take a break and continue writing when you get the inspiration it's hard to do this i know thats why when i write i usually take weeks on a giving piece give yourself a reasonble deadline it's incredibly hard to write a great piece in 1 hour. don't just write for a battle, write for you own. whenever you feel inspired hop on the comp and write some lines down who cares if you dont finish you never kno when those lines could come into hand, i have so many verses written down from 06 and 07 and hey if you never get to use those lines in the future its always good to look back at your own lines, this goes beyond rb, poetry is a beautiful thing dude and if you write just to be good at it, it'll be incredibly hard for you to be good. so just write. even though i was kind of harsh on this piece it doesnt mean you should stop if i wouldn't of seen potential in you i wouldnt of gave you such a huge explanation, you can be great one day just keep at it hope you appreciate the feed and dont take it the wrong way.

    -Lucid

  4. #34
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,094
    Battle Record
    11-23

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Hmmm... Interesting.
    Have You Read My Other "Om's"
    Thanks For This Feed Btw

  5. #35

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    link me i could use giving you feedback since i need 2 links to post my own om. might as well give feed to a fellow member than a complete stranger

  6. #36
    weightless
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    1,196
    Battle Record
    24-18

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.



    Verse from me Vs Official


    ......the rap game aint for everybody nor you shits crucial,
    A stripped jacket in battle still wont make this kids win Official,
    dam rite we convicts so at any point i can turn on this kid,
    you couldnt catch evidence of a victory if you tapped it on Vid,
    this text battle shit aint for you friend do me a favor stop rappin,
    i cant take this clown serious cuz if his punches hit ill jus die Laughin,
    so stop fillin in ya Ego cause the bigger it is the harder you fall,
    this Battle must be Officials home town no wonder i get bad calls,
    you a fraud..an all this time i think you good when you honestly Crap,
    this kid must be stupid he still think a break is when you bite a Kit kat..




    Last edited by Martian; August 30th, 2009 at 02:16 PM
    The Greatest

  7. #37
    Banned Uhb.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    PHILLY
    Age
    38
    Posts
    1,048
    Battle Record
    45-39

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    newest battle

    [soundclick]8033729[/soundclick]

    vs pat

  8. #38
    Legend.
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    England
    Posts
    9,059
    Battle Record
    41-0
    Awards Haiku Champion - Award Request Accepted FL Champion - Award Request Accepted Haiku Season Champion PC HOF FL Tournament Winner 25+ Wins

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eddy HasKuL View Post
    newest battle

    [soundclick]8033729[/soundclick]

    vs pat
    I'll leave some feed on this when i'm done watching the game dude.
    Legend.
    RB Original.

    Meta. Convicts.
    18-0 Crew Record, 06-07 Best Crew.

  9. #39
    Situations at a struggle. Bstill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    States
    Age
    35
    Posts
    3,348
    Battle Record
    35-14
    Awards AOTW SOTW 25+ Wins

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eddy HasKuL View Post
    newest battle

    [soundclick]8033729[/soundclick]

    vs pat

    i think ya concepts an flow need to be worked on stop rushing take multiple takes if that helps you return a cleaner verse idk but you have some nice punches half of the time u can tel your jumpin on an off the beat also have more emotion its a battle fam you just sound like ur speakin over a beat for the most part

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  10. #40
    weightless
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    1,196
    Battle Record
    24-18

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.



    Verse from me Vs Official


    ......the rap game aint for everybody nor you shits crucial,
    A stripped jacket in battle still wont make this kids win Official,
    dam rite we convicts so at any point i can turn on this kid,
    you couldnt catch evidence of a victory if you tapped it on Vid,
    this text battle shit aint for you friend do me a favor stop rappin,
    i cant take this clown serious cuz if his punches hit ill jus die Laughin,
    so stop fillin in ya Ego cause the bigger it is the harder you fall,
    this Battle must be Officials home town no wonder i get bad calls,
    you a fraud..an all this time i think you good when you honestly Crap,
    this kid must be stupid he still think a break is when you bite a Kit kat..




    The Greatest

  11. #41
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,094
    Battle Record
    11-23

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Quote Originally Posted by Asia View Post


    Verse from me Vs Official


    ......the rap game aint for everybody nor you shits crucial,
    A stripped jacket in battle still wont make this kids win Official,
    dam rite we convicts so at any point i can turn on this kid,
    you couldnt catch evidence of a victory if you tapped it on Vid,
    this text battle shit aint for you friend do me a favor stop rappin,
    i cant take this clown serious cuz if his punches hit ill jus die Laughin,
    so stop fillin in ya Ego cause the bigger it is the harder you fall,
    this Battle must be Officials home town no wonder i get bad calls,
    you a fraud..an all this time i think you good when you honestly Crap,
    this kid must be stupid he still think a break is when you bite a Kit kat..





    Kicked your ass 5-0

    Haha jokes, well i can't really give you much feed considering it was a closer battle than i thought lol,
    Nice going on that battle

  12. #42
    weightless
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    1,196
    Battle Record
    24-18

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    thanks!
    The Greatest

  13. #43
    weightless
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    1,196
    Battle Record
    24-18

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    my topical battle verse aginst text emecee




    Looking through the plane window thinking to himself..


    2 years in Okinawa I don’t know if ill be the same,
    Torn bodies in Defeat Rivers of Blood toll numbers gain
    ...Graphic themes my day dreams flash.....
    I look down at my home I stare blank on what’s been changing,
    I been away for so long through my letters I was always grieving,
    My families connection kept me tied down to reality...


    The Plane lands...


    Look at all these memorable faces I see my loved ones,
    Arms open wide as a smile as long as the San Diego bridge....
    I stand still ware I stepped off but they stood still in cringe,
    Why they not run so? It’s as they looking through me,
    My heart freeze an drops with a tear blur my eye see,



    he approaches them...

    Stepping closer they step back from my presence,
    I yell to them “it’s me your father" but there eyes...
    Stared a dagger straight though my spirit,
    Pain shot through I was heart broken I admit,
    I felt as my families love turned on me as a hypocrite




    He watches them walk away as he cries...




    The Greatest

  14. #44
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    38
    Posts
    5,316
    Battle Record
    15-10

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    this is a rough draft of a piece ive started..tell me what you think..bars are a little longer than i usually drop.

    ive cut my fingers deep on a piece of my broken heart
    tryin to put back together the pieces that fell apart
    my loves been shattered then sorted according to confusion
    replaying that twisted sound of distorted accordion music
    i sit and rock violently back and forth in dark corners
    lost in my memories silently dying in my mind the mourner
    my pride peels from my soul in layers exposing a weakness
    i hide from the fear of embarrassment and knowing my secrets
    i keep them hidden from myself so as to not know why i hurt
    the words ive written are my wealth,my anger and angst have merged

    rough draft let me know what you think,it isnt finished just what i have so far


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


  15. #45
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,094
    Battle Record
    11-23

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Quote Originally Posted by .TreaZoN. View Post
    this is a rough draft of a piece ive started..tell me what you think..bars are a little longer than i usually drop.

    ive cut my fingers deep on a piece of my broken heart
    tryin to put back together the pieces that fell apart
    my loves been shattered then sorted according to confusion
    replaying that twisted sound of distorted accordion music
    i sit and rock violently back and forth in dark corners
    lost in my memories silently dying in my mind the mourner
    my pride peels from my soul in layers exposing a weakness
    i hide from the fear of embarrassment and knowing my secrets
    i keep them hidden from myself so as to not know why i hurt
    the words ive written are my wealth,my anger and angst have merged

    rough draft let me know what you think,it isnt finished just what i have so far

    Nice peice, i think you really caught on to other crew members styles' nice going, i felt the emotion...i felt the story you stayed on topic and your flow was there aswell, Nice peice, the only thing bad is you need to write more for me i enjoyed that, keep them' coming


    @ Asia - I'll feed yours later,

Similar Threads

  1. Feedback on this verse please
    By yungskeeme in forum Resolved Issues
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: December 29th, 2009, 01:59 PM
  2. 1 Verse...need feedback
    By Tommy the 45 in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: March 2nd, 2005, 10:47 AM
  3. Round 2...Verse 1, Feedback
    By Provoked Images in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: October 9th, 2003, 09:28 PM
  4. One Verse Feedback
    By QUE in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: July 17th, 2002, 06:23 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •