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Thread: Provoked thoughts

  1. #1

    Provoked thoughts

    why am i born to die
    the voice of the still borns cry
    asleep in spirit, concevied in thruth
    currupt by sin of the ruthless womb

    seeds fall on soil, rich with life and grow
    unexpected, rejected some fall on stones
    the merciless sun and perilous nights, form sons
    of darkness denied the light

    while tender roses,grow sweet and bloom
    the thorns provoken, have sealed their doom
    the winters past, petals lie on the floor
    the rose is gone, so remains the thorn

    The humble, can be humbled no more
    trials seen, pain endured
    showers of pain, as hours of rain, it drizzels, now its yours
    the Proud, laugh, slander, those living through hell
    your winter is comming, believe,brace your selves

    if light was dark, and day was night
    our views of love, of wrong, of right
    show opression as training,
    weakness as wealth
    the meek as the greatest
    the depressed as blessed

    then our world, would be, not as it is
    but as it should
    the mute sing, the blind see things,
    like schollars from the hood



    BONE DEEP

    one
    When thugs cry, we dont shed tears we shed blood, do u still want to be a thug? (2pac )

  2. #2
    So old...
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Imagine That!
    Posts
    188
    Battle Record
    1-0
    this was pretty good. I liked this.
    Your use of rhyme worked and that can be difficult to achieve...I was feeling this.... well here and there anyway.

    why am i born to die
    the voice of the still borns cry
    asleep in spirit, concevied in thruth
    currupt by sin of the ruthless womb

    seeds fall on soil, rich with life and grow
    unexpected, rejected some fall on stones
    the merciless sun and perilous nights, form sons
    of darkness denied the light

    the first two stanzas were great I thought...
    most of this poem was good and it showed thought in the formulation of your ideas.

    However I thought that the end was a little corny. Don't mean to badmouth or anything but you had ill, smart poem until you used the scholars from the hood line...it's too much of an elementary similie.

    Dope shit anyway.
    Peace
    [re]produce [y]our Mother's b[r]e[a]st milk...
    and patch dark spots in the sun

  3. #3
    Certified Like A COW Varentao's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    A thick pool of coconut scented cow manure.
    Posts
    2,566
    Battle Record
    2-2
    At times written very well, with some good imagery..

    ..but i felt some of the lines weren't constructed as well as they could've been, and you missed out some words when writing...stuff like that...

    ..but overall, the message was fairtly strong and clear...and the ending could've been very good, but the last line seemed a bit blunt and elaborate in a way...

    ....still, good piece for sure...

    ...resp..
    I'm too secure to have a signature.

    Oh.

  4. #4
    yeh i know the last line was messed up, u can probably tell i started rushing near the end.
    feedback is appreciated

    one
    When thugs cry, we dont shed tears we shed blood, do u still want to be a thug? (2pac )

  5. #5
    Newbie PerverseOne's Avatar
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    Sacramento
    Age
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    Posts
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    I liked this good job man. keep it coming. good stuff
    PerverseOne Returns [2005]

  6. #6
    yeh, one
    uppin for feedback
    When thugs cry, we dont shed tears we shed blood, do u still want to be a thug? (2pac )

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