:boonigga:
:boonigga:
Last edited by Chef Boy; June 19th, 2011 at 04:39 PM
ok...welcome to your first om
the verse showed alot of emotion
but i think you kinda of lacked imagery/metaphor speaking so make me draw a picture about what you were dealing with..how your dad has changed and why you resorted to takin his almost lifestyle
the vocab could of been better but the flow was decent and smooth
good try on this first om...but i think you got potential to elevate
good shit..
and can you please return the favor and give me feedback
on Dear Miss Hangover
and on
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...gs-399720.html
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I see exactly what you mean. Reading over some others work I got a feel for actually painting a picture in the readers mind. I'm going to try and work on a something thought out rather than just typing and see how that goes. Thanks for the feed, helps me grow.
if u need a crew to help you out...i got open arms in Pedophiles Dungeon go check us out...good luck yoOriginally Posted by Chef Boy OG
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I'll take a look.
Looking for more feed! Help me out!
Like Rush said you have a lot of emotion in this piece & a lot of space for imagery. As you write a piece never skip the opportunity for a sense of imagery. The piece carried itself well, but try to instill the imagery & with it change the wording. Example:
They say times are hard, but they'll only get harder
Thats how they delt the cards, but I don't run like a coward
With imagery could be:
They say that times are hard,but why bother when they'll only get harder
With the hand I was dealt I couldn't go much farther,
But I never folded and ran like a coward
Sure the structure is odd, but you give yourself 1 bar with a supporting line. You can now feed off of it to your next. Take your time with every bar. Sometimes I reword a bar 5-10 times until it seems just right.
But...
He can never touch her again
#BaseBoyz
whoa bruh...FIRST DROP?!...dude welcome to tha game mayn...u dropped that shyt good...agreed with DP...i rewrite lines alot...fix em...mix em...lol ditch em even...just w/e to make it tha best...i was rele feelin this shyt...very emotional without gettin all gay n touchy feely...u kept this shyt HOOD...storytellin was rele good...n u hooked me in like 4 lines...good shyt to do...never got borin...ur flow was great...i mean no joke THIS SHUDNT GET SLEPT ON...dude just refreshin to see GOOD SHYT FROM NEW PPLZ ON HERE...anyway...great flow...good conceptz...ok vocab n shyt...great storytellin...n not rele many metaphorz...but then again STORY DROPZ dont rele use em much...GOOD FUKIN READ...KEEP WRITING THAT HOOD SHYT HOMIE!!!
yo RTF on any of my dropz...
I cannot list all of my best lines inside this signature
because they number in the tens of thousands.
Not bad man it was deep. i thought each bar connected at perfect timing and could almost pick up a beat in my head little longer and a break for chorus you got a track goin
Check out rough draft: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...st-399800.html
Thank you all for the feed, its greatly appreciated. This shit makes me better for sure.
Deadpool: Thank you for laying that out for me, rather than people making a post like 'youre doing this wrong' or something, you gave a nice example on how to change it, and that really made it clear for me. I have a pretty good idea on how to improve this, so thanks bro
DJKingDavid: Thanks for the compliments, I'm working on metaphors a bit, starting to get the hang of them, I should have some new work up soon that will demonstrate my new found knowledge
IStabMidgets: Thanks man, I wasn't looking to write a hole song really, just threw up something quick, but glad you can see it like that!
Anyways, I should have a new piece up some time today displaying a little of what I have learned. Anyone else... Feed me! I need to grow!
Uppin for a little feed.
If it falls again, I'm letting it die.
For your first Open Mic dude, this was great.
A concept of a criminal who is forced into what he is by his childhood, & so hating it & also vehemently blaming the person he feels pushed him towards it is a great little idea that I can adapt to. There was one bar that stood out to me,
I sometimes think things are better when they're explained, but I thought the sudden storytelling of his Dad giving up dealing only to become something worse had more of an impact than you could have if you stretched it out into ten lines. I like this bit a lot, it was small & interesting for me. I can almost believe it because I don't know, I feel with that little light you shone on it you can see you actually relate to it, in that one little bar.You gave it all up, only to become a drunk
I'm your only son, dad.. what the fuck
The overall piece garnered it's own emotion as your built on it, & opening with Dear Stranger & ended with Sincerely... your Son was an interesting touch &, without the line I quoted, perhaps would have been a neat little twist to close it but it's not actually worth cutting those lines I liked. This was an emotionally impactful piece, so it's lack in depth and storytelling are just common because it seems like if you want to form certain things you have to bypass others, something which when you're a young writer you find hard to accomplish.
At times your flow wasn't great, & perhaps a few inner multis mixed in every so often might help this flow better, & giving up certain bars like "harder" to "coward" wont be neccessary because with an inner multi you can be rhyming elsewhere rather than just the last few syllables of each line.
I like this piece, you obviously have things to learn & if you elevate & attempt to attribute things you learn & build from this piece, you will be a good writer. A few inner multis or inner rhymes might help the reader see the poetic side of the piece thus helping them read it, & a better structure might make it seem like you have actually prepared the time to make it easier to read, but what you've shown here is something good writers build from: a decent concept with emotional value that will help access you to the reader. If you just keep writing, stay at it, then you will see how things develop in your own way.
Stay active, write as much as you can when you feel it but don't feel you ever have to force it out if you're not writing for any league or deadlines, & overall just try to develop what you already have & build from that. I don't believe this was a keystyle, because unlike Freestyles they have concepts and topics that they keep to, & where a freestyle will burst out in one minute, a keystyle usually takes about 10 or 20 & is an actual piece.
Perhaps take a few hours perfecting your next piece brother & drop it over the weekend, & read & feed as many as you can until then to build up a rep as a serious writer who is willing to support the rest of us.
Good luck, mate.
Return the favour onto my piece,
Revelry
Last edited by Issue; June 4th, 2009 at 03:44 PM
Wow. Hands down way more then i ever expected to see in some feed. Thank you for the pointers, I'm working on a new piece now that I'm actually putting time in to. Thank you for the compliments as well. If they had an award for giving feed, I would definitely nominate you aha. Anyways, I appreciate it man.
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