..Burnings and Smoke..

[Ntalek]

I.

I'm a candle, both ends burning
In the hot wax.
Hotter tears mingle
Reflecting cold eyes
Hands of wax
Weakend each time I try
Putting myslef out
Wear and mimed, pale and dripping
They hang at my side useless,
Waiting until they too,
Are consumed by this fire
My mind is brillant, bright and burning
Smoldering destruction
Waiting for final exhaustion
In glowing embers
Blackest Ashes
.
Light and heat, shadowing pain,
Yet I keep no light of my own
nor any warmth.
I'm burning tonight
and nothing can stop it.
.......
II.

I am,
Tarnished with burdens;
I stay a burning soul.
Wanting a way to live,
Could you be the one to…
…show me the way out of this shadow.
I lit the burning candle,
That set aflame…
…bright in colors for others to see.
The home of you and I.
As the house goes tearing,
Ashes become it’s soul.
-Just like me
My love is like mead,
Made to amuse the body;
From within…
… I make you feel good.
But I-
I stay dull and frantic,
Scared of my own existence.
The stench of my burn,
Stretches the thought like elastic.
My appeal to life becomes righteous,
With my heart made of plastic.
-so you can call me artificial.
Thank you for setting me free,
By burning the house in the tree.
.
Raging against nature
Destroying all that fuels me
Consuming my source
and burning all the brighter of it.
.
.
.III.
............
The fire inside has died.
Now
I've become a chimney
vomiting dark rivers
Spreading filth into clear skies.
To dissiapte into purity
Not to be cleansed
But to become so small
that it means all the same
and thus be ignored.
These ashes are a fountain
of despair, much like hope,
disolved in pollution.
..........


Ntalek - .I. and .III.
Mr.Write - .II.

..Burnings and Smoke..



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-382292.html

[Spoken]

here is the other link thank you!
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-382846.html


no feed on up please

[Kalos Graphē]

OOOHH clever very nice.

TO START THINGS OFF:...

I
N this was a well put together verse. words strung together beautifully. lol every word in this verse added to the giant metaphore there, really poetical and well developped (is that how you spell developped? doesnt look right to me?)and thought out. i can see you put alot of thought into this one here.. the emotion you displayed through your choice of diction really shone out and that was the best part of this section here.. good drop i really liked the "Hands of wax
Weakend each time I try
Putting myslef out" really well said there good work

II
James you also wrote very insightfully in this piece.. wasn't as abstract as N's verse yet it was just as good.. i like the unique little rhyme scheme you did in it, brought something to the table that N did not and sort of filled that void in the piece. also made it flow alot nicer that way as well. your vocab in this was very intelligent and professional, and each word suited the message in the end quite precisely, and yet, not giving anything away.. punctuation was a little more than i'm used 2 but im not much of a poetry writer so that might me wat its supposed 2 look like lol.. other than that i thought it was solid. good work

III
Great ending, who would have thought there would be a political and environmental twist like that at the end... didnt see it coming.. good way to finish off N probably the best verse of the whole piece in my opinion. your choice of phrases such as "vomitng dark rivers" really impacted the message and showed the brutality of the situation.. you portrayed the truth very well stating that the pollution does not leave nor is cleansed just becomes very small that it is ignored, yet it still does cause all these problems... good work ending man i felt it..

all and all you guys killed.. way 2 rep IJL N... keep it up u 2

pz

[Ntalek]

appreciate the indepth feed my dude...props...

[Alphaeus]

Ok let’s do this

I
First off it flowed great and was consistent.
You developed a nice contrast with the comparing hot wax, to cold eyes.
Really liked that,
Nice take on the light of the candle and taking the persons mind into account

II
Again, still kept and nice flow and built upon an already existing rhyme scheme.
Enjoyed your wordplay with the mead, and made line,
Thought that was good.
This was a little more detailed than the first stanza but equally as good.

III
Yes, like TT said, nice little twist in the tale towards the end.
It rounded the piece of nicely and brought more depth and vivid description to the piece.
Vocab was really nice in this stanza.

Well-done to both of you, hope this is alright
Your two writing styles blended well together, give a smooth transition between stanzas

[Ntalek]

tops.

[Ebolorama]

I thought that this was a good piece. The content was really nice and you had a good flow of words through-out. The detail was nice as well and I enjoyed that the most. Both of you came really nice and this collab was very good. Both of your styles of writting complimented each others nicely

[Spoken]

that word.

my first actual trying poem in like over 6 months

[Spekz.]

I'm a candle, both ends burning
In the hot wax.
Hotter tears mingle
Reflecting cold eyes
Hands of wax
Weakend each time I try
Putting myslef out

^^This started the piece of wonderfully, the imagery n overall metaphorical approach was quite stunning..and really set the tone for the piece.
- overall the first stanza was very thorough, read quite well..and really built up perfectly into Writes verse...well done.


[/quote]I am,
Tarnished with burdens;[/quote]
^^I loved the use of this to open of your piece, being that ntalekt started with strong metaphores n imagery...for you to really bring a sense of emotion to the piece couldnt of came at a better time...it was a short quote, but it really grabbed me for w/e reason..so i thought id quote it lol.

Ashes become it’s soul.
-Just like me

^^nothing fancy, but i liked the tone/imagery ...another short quote, that just jumped at me while reading...

I stay dull and frantic,
Scared of my own existence.
The stench of my burn,
Stretches the thought like elastic.
My appeal to life becomes righteous,
With my heart made of plastic.
-so you can call me artificial.

^^this right here read sooo well, it flowed perfectly, i liked that you gave it a rhyme-scheme to switch it up a bit... and the imagery n concept behind the lines where quite moving aswell...good stuff..

The fire inside has died.
Now
I've become a chimney
vomiting dark rivers
Spreading filth into clear skies.
To dissiapte into purity
Not to be cleansed
But to become so small
that it means all the same
and thus be ignored.
These ashes are a fountain
of despair, much like hope,
disolved in pollution.

^^I am so glad you ended with this...it was powerful stuff man, in all honestly this was dripping with imagery, full of sorrow and deep dark emotion...but it wasnt so abstract that it didnt get the message across..i found it to be very well written..and couldnt of been portrayed much better..props!


Overall -

Ntalekt you started strong, and ended stronger! which is perfect, i loved ur language, metaphores, imagery etc..it was great.

Mr.Write - i liked your emotion, flow..you where able to compliment ntaleknt very well...awesome!

Good Collab you picked each other up ..and made this a very complete piece...

[Vincent Maestro]

first off I'll say that the structure and flow...were onpoint....you had some good imagery throughout the piece also....but there was alot of the storyline I felt was too sublime and just went over my head...

My mind is brillant, bright and burning
Smoldering destruction
Waiting for final exhaustion
In glowing embers
Blackest Ashes

I liked these lines and I was taking it to mean....like a person thats trying their hardest at something, not giving up...but being exhausted and admitting it.????


My love is like mead,
Made to amuse the body;
From within…
… I make you feel good.
But I-
I stay dull and frantic,
Scared of my own existence
To me this means that the person was telling his love that his love is ideal and superficial not comitted or substantial.....

If thats where this was going then I dug it alot.
In this collab both of you seemed to write unlike yourselves....which was just kinda weird to me....I don't see why you guys would feel you had to do that.
Experimenting?.....idk....

Peace.

[Spoken]

what you... well to me it was sort of new to write the way i did... cause im used to writing about horror and romantic love and dying love. this here i wrote as a being of soul and pain. which i had to no stray into practical i tried to stay away from that yet be straight forward with a tad of abstractive Pursuit. thanks SG for noticing tht man.

[Werd]

this is dope, i loved the imagery. both of you write very well, it was smooth, the whole piece just rolled off the tongue. i liked how every piece opened as an insane metaphor, i am a candle etc etc. overall this piece was really good, as some have said before alot of it went over my head, which could be good or bad, but the imagery over powered that because it was still a very impacting piece of writing

good look

[Spoken Deity]

i dig this man... Both of yalls had consistently good imagery, very deep and emotive. I dig that man. Nothing seemed to impress, it was just natural and flowing you know?
The read just flowed well... each stanza fit pefectly, moving the 'story' and the emotion right along. There was a lot of original and intelligent stuff here aswell... which is hard sometimes because to not recycle imagery is hard...But for the most part, this was all pretty fresh. You guys kept me glued the entire piece...truly. Keep it up dudes.
Hit my latest!

[Ntalek]

tops.

[Ntalek]

come on just a bit more feed!!