This Is My Life

[BaByBLuE17]

see now we've all had problems
and gone through crooked times,
so ima tell uhh story -see- now
this is my life,
i done had kids already
i know what its like to love,
uncontrollable desire to pursue the game, -just-
duckin -bullets missin- bein shot at your brain,
they could've killed ya -man-,
wit angels all around me
i felt the presence
almost like someone was holdin my hand,
ive been damaged and sit sick
dumb thoughts in my head,
plottin on ways to get rich
or end up dead,
see this is my life
and i still cant face it,
but ill live it how i live it
then my kids'll replace me,
i spit lyrics in tha booth
got bitches callin all the time,
sayin "tell the truth mufukka"
why you gotta lie,
gotta find numbers
dime bitches i done qualified,
got uhh guy trippin
and my next vision'll be homicide,
-n this is my life-

[Standard Issue]

step up your imagery. you need to create something tangible that we can see and imagine as readers. this poem doesnt really do that. you know what you want to portray, but you dont portray it. youre telling us what it is, but not showing. telling, but not showing. wording gets thrown off sometimes. spelling needs checked. i mean, poetic license with the topic is what you want to do with it, but i think this could have been portrayed so much better.

[BaByBLuE17]

ha ha "imagery"

[Rah Gwahn]

Yeah, lines were boring. No content.

At least it was a slow and simple read, if you tried to make it complicated it probably would have just been not worth posting.

Work on original concepts in your lines, more-so if you plan on dropping it in the poetry forum where most people look for creativity rather than what you're writing about. All i saw there was the basis of any wannabe rapper.

Saying that, the structure was alright but just way too cliché. Come with something different, forget about this type of stuff because all you're gonna get is a negative response.

[Standard Issue]

yes, imagery.
its what makes your poem tangible. palpable.

[Laureate]

closed, 2 links