Confused Step. [SHORT]

[HIStory]

I've lost everything in so little time,
feeling as if I've been running blind.
Sorry that I had too cross that line,
if I could, I would stop and realign.
Caught up in this repeating disaster,
wishing this pain would die off faster.
This is trust that could not last her,
so many questions I couldn't ask her.
I last heard you were crying a lot,
crying out the pain that couldn't stop.
I'd come over but your heart is locked,
your mind froze over like a broken clock.
With a passion too forget my existence,
if only I was smart enough to just listen.
You told me you wouldn't, I missed it,
I missed the truth & heard the bullshit.
It was wrong of me too accuse you,
it was wrong of me too abuse you.
I had the right too just choose you,
why did I decide to lose you?

You can keep your eyes shut,
but please just open your ears.
I have this pain inside my gut,
it's the awakening of my fears.
Appear before me with forgiveness,
I promise that I'll finally listen.
If your too deep to hear this,
than listen too my tears drip.
Here I am in lost and found,
you never came back around.

You've lost me.

The cracks in my heart split,
and now, in with a bullet.
The lighted world is now dark,
and now, out with the heart.

[HIStory]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-354957.html

[Masahiko.]

I've lost everything in so little time,
feeling as if I've been running blind.
Sorry that I had too cross that line,
if I could, I would stop and realign.

Good opening. Work on a rhythm though, make it smooth for a reader to read. Maybe some alliteration would work good hear. Line two was a weak simile, but something. Try to connect the simile better. Make me understand exactly why it made you feel as if you were running blind.

Caught up in this repeating disaster,
wishing this pain would die off faster.
This is trust that could not last her,
so many questions I couldn't ask her.

A well used rhyme. but the words could use a touch up. It seems you developed the words around the rhyme. Try to let the rhyme come natural, as if you were just speaking. (Not that you'd speak with Rhymes, but you understand)

I last heard you were crying a lot,
crying out the pain that couldn't stop.
I'd come over but your heart is locked,
your mind froze over like a broken clock.

This quatrain started off meh. Try to find synonyms for some of the words you repeat, unless of course there is emphasis in them. The ending line, however was a great simile. The only thing Iwould change about the ending line, instead of using "froze over", take some time to think about a time reference, to further connect with the "broken clock" image.

With a passion too forget my existence,
if only I was smart enough to just listen.
You told me you wouldn't, I missed it,
I missed the truth & heard the bullshit.

Wasn't bad, pretty simple though. Rhymescheme aside you could have put some more into this. Emotional, but you could have took the artistic vision and the emotion and made the greatest part of the poem right here.

It was wrong of me too accuse you,
it was wrong of me too abuse you.
I had the right too just choose you,
why did I decide to lose you?

Steer away from using "just" so much. I was, and sometimes still am notorious of using "just" and "that" way too frequent. You packed emotion into this again, but you could have put some construction in the syntax itself.

You can keep your eyes shut,
but please just open your ears.
I have this pain inside my gut,
it's the awakening of my fears.

I like the transition in the rhymes scheme. A little personificaton, maybe find a metaphor for the word "pain" you made the meaning boring to the reader. I don't feel it as much when you say it.

Appear before me with forgiveness,
I promise that I'll finally listen.
If your too deep to hear this,
than listen too my tears drip.
Here I am in lost and found,
you never came back around.

I like the couplet at the end. Too is not necessary to is the correct "to/too/two" but I don't care much about grammar as long as the artistic craftmanship behind the poem is appealing.

You've lost me.

The cracks in my heart split,
and now, in with a bullet.
The lighted world is now dark,
and now, out with the heart.

Didn't like the repeat of the world "now." The ending, though predictable wasn't bad, the way you set it up was great, but it seemed like you were too eager to finish it. Not that it was too short, but it seems like it could have been a tight package, not just a small one. Don't worry if you can't crank out 25 poems a month, just worry about making a few great ones.

One love.
Verge.

[Cody Nash]

another decent piece... far better than your last one i think... this one kind of kept me reading more so than that other one. I like how this is sort of a played topic, but you had some cool twists and turns in it... it sounded like your wanted to forgive the girl for what SHE did and you were wanting her to return after leaving you. Like you rid yourself of love, only to long the same love that you got rid of. very deep to me. the rhyming again is really making your pieces seem bottled up... you're not expressing TRUE emotion, you're trying to think of words that rhyme more than the depth of what you could be writing. you need to find your groove and the style that just flows from your head when you write instead of focusing so much on wanting to rhyme. you did really good in those last stanza's but you do have a probelm with repeating words such as "just" "and" "but" "that"... work on it... keep it up though!


- Nash

[HIStory]

thanks.