3 keys to a closed door

[Judge Judy]

heaven is autpiloted
and seringe tracks are your guidelines
routing you to a tranquil galaxy
where pipe dreams are dremt...
and brewskies are brewed
where the nerves sleep
quite as a newborn...
on a pillow of cannabis
a cover of morphine...
and a bottleful of cuervo`
a polish of pheromone
intoxication plays the role of seduction
with a black dress...
and an oscar winning performance
the orbits around are clowns
a dirt clod full of sober clovers
and petty interests...
fists should scream bloody mary
and speak through a cracked bone
and live on, through the fluid that drips
the warmth of insanity...
hovers with a grin and a dagger
fearlessnes should seep through your pores
and simmer to the man next to you
gun play and sword fights...
stress deflates with right hooks
a broken hearted man
glaring towards a forehead
of broken blood vessels
violence is key
to unlock doors of pharmacies
and a beautiful counselor

fuck life is good.
.
.

[The Vortex]

a dirt clod full of sober clovers
and petty interests...
fists should scream bloody mary
and speak through a cracked bone

t'was a smooth read

pretty nice poem here, you had some great lines and metaphors,
rhythm could maybe been sharpened in certain places,
but all in all this was an interesting piece,
and was quite graphic in certain respects

good stuff

bless

[Soule]

12/15 - Editing this now that I've re-read the piece.

The wordplay was actually a lot better then I thought it up too be the first time I read this piece. The placement was very wisly thought out. And the word choice was pretty strong. Imagery was colorful, painted a sweet little story inside my head like Edgar Allen Poe style *just not at legendary lol*. The emotion didn't lack too bad. But didn't have a flawless element into it. Know what I mean? All in all this was a really nice 2nd read. Keep writing man.

[Judge Judy]

no thanks.

oh and your not legendary.

[Dyl]

Ok buddy this was a good read, very average by your standards.As Prayer said a lot of mispelled words crept through the poem but that shouldn't matter if its the emotion and imagery your out to look for.Just try to tidy up things and i'm sure nobody will be complaining.Imagery was your strong point and you had some killer lines in there man......and I mean really good which was great to see, but its those few weak lines that kind of ruin things for me and there wasn't that many at all, it just seemed as if a few were filler.Maybe this was rushed in places, I am guilty of that in a lot of my poems but well done on this and look foward to the next one.If your up for a collab get at me .

-Dyl

[Judge Judy]

bumpskyiesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

[Soule]

Edited my feedback friend.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=355550
Like Father; Like Son - Prayer And Burden.

It was just nominated for hall of fame so enjoy.

[Laureate]

closed, 2 links