High School

[Tragedian.]

*6:45 am*

Time to get up…its your first day can’t be late
As he got up showered…and ate what’s on his plate
Mom what awaits he asked wit a shy look
Well son…reading writing and a whole lot of books
Soon just wait you’ll learn how to cook…
But for now just go and try your best…pass all your test

*8:45 am*

Never been on a bus by himself…he was kind of shy
He waved good bye knowing he had to go but wondered why
Some many thoughts running thru his young mind
Wondered what if he got lost or ran out of time
His dream was to rhyme. That’s all he wanted to do
But he wondered what in this horrid place he’ll go thru
It’s your stop the bus driver said with a smile
He got off and jus thought what if they don’t like his style

*9:10 am*

Finally got in Sat down and picked up his pencil
As he sat down…he got kind of tense though
Wonder what the kids would say if he got stuck
At test he sucked, won’t ask for help thinking he got luck
Till the thought struck…that he needs to pass
What would kids say to him if he failed English class?
He was doing well…till he looked to his right
Saw something bright…the greatest thing in sight
Time passed quickly after seeing that…it was time for lunch
He packed all his stuff quick seeing her at 12 he had the crunch

*12:00 pm*

He went to get his meal…he went quick tried to keep it real
Sneaky to get to the girl like he was bout to steal
That thought was real…his first high school crush
All he did was look at her…and he started to blush
In a rush…he said so I’ll see you in math knowing he was afraid
After that little comment he made…after school he stayed
Wanted to show her all the sports he played…..
Running down the hall…wasn’t watching where he was going
He ran right into a kid…and told him to beat it without knowing

*3:00 pm*

Ding the bell has ring time for everyone to head home
Forgetting all about what he said to that kid Jerome
Walked out the front door…and he got spotted
Now knowing that these bullies had this all plotted
It was all said and done he saw high school was no fun
Not 16 so he can’t drop out and had no where to run
And we’ll end this true story…with that’s how he saw a gun…

*The End*

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...76#post5119076
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308800

[GrimmyReaps]

ok...i likr this concept and i like how u brought it across,but once again u need to up that vocab...this had a good storyline and all and i liked the end...the structure was actully good on this one finally i liked that...ur wordplay needs a bit of work,and some of it was kinda choppy but good none the less...this dude sure does wonder alot huh? lol....well good shit just up that vocab...

[<Supreme>]

i like th concept of this piece it was a gd story
th flow in this piece was mainly gd, but in sum places it was slightly out
th rhymin in this piece was also gd, but once again it was simple
this was an enjoyable read so...
keep tryin n try to up ur vocab a bit

[D. Josey]

I like your peices, but they seem just way to dictated for me. I mean sometimes I find you trying to make and force something to rhyme, and it ends up awkward because the things just don't agree. I find myself in the position also sometimes, but I just make due and try the wording that sounds the best to me. The storyline was mint, and I liked just the real-life experiences you write about. Although the wording may not be on point, everything else was above average, but it kept my attention.

1.

[status_unknown]

I liked this aswell. I didn't like how it ended though. Felt as if there could have been more of a twist to it. The topic was cool. Not that original. Content was straight, and imagery was Ok. All in all, i enjoyed reading it.

Pz...

[Toshida]

I agree with my above posters. I could follow and kind of relate to this piece pretty well. The flow was good in some parts, but in some, it was kind of hard to read through without stopping to read it again. It was still dope though. 3:00 PM part was especially good.

Keep writing.

[HospitIll]

i found it to have a good sotryline but some things seemed forced and out of place. the flow was decent the wording could have been better but it works.. it seemed real as if its u ur talking about..but the ending could have been a bit more entertaining .. some kind of unexpected twist would have suited well

nice drop tho enjoyed it alot

[Tragedian.]

thanks for all the feed...i`ll get to all your drops tomorrow...

uppin

[Trophy]

I thought this was pretty nice. I looked at all the other feedback and no one mentioned the imagery. It was pretty clear. I like pieces that make a movie with the lyrics. This dude seemed like a punk...My first day of high school was thursday and I wasn't scared or any shit like that. I mean this school is more than 100 times larger than my old school...

Your flow was a bit too basic. The rhyme scheme wasn't complex but it was suitable for the topic. Good topic. Nice work..

[B-DoG2006]

nice rap about highschool lol

Finally got in Sat down and picked up his pencil
As he sat down…he got kind of tense though
Wonder what the kids would say if he got stuck
At test he sucked, won’t ask for help thinking he got luck

that made me laugth man nice stuff keep on going

[Tragedian.]

thanks..upp

[Spoken]

thid was a nice pieace...i see your elevating which is really good on your behalf!. though again your vocaba nd content in metphors and wording is a problem some seemed forces just to fit the toipc or the upper line to rhyme....but this was a nice storylin and concept. i can relate and it went well. nice keep writing!.

rtf. on looking at you

[SmokaJoka]

This was a pretty good read to be honest....you had a unique story...and a timeline set...which makes it stand out....your rhyming still needs a bit more work...but the important part of any open mic is specifically the story the reader consumes...you had a good vivid story....you could pretty much walk through the day and not miss much....the ending was good...but could've been setup a bit better....nothing else to say honestly...

Rating:
7/10