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Thread: Aunt J

  1. September 25th, 2005, 11:55 PM #1
    Seedy
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    Aunt J

    The smell of you're beautiful essence in the morning
    Enlightening Smell....sorrounds the house waking me up...
    Maple Leaf perfume, my mistress lays next to me
    Daydreaming and the passion for my love of you..
    You're dazzling, exquisite and unqiue smell.....
    My fascination about you has been awaiting......
    You're so delightful , resplendent enough to top my food
    Such a splendid, superb taste as you're liquids enter my mouth
    As i begin licking my lips, biting the dead skin off....
    with such a sweet essential taste, i would like to say....
    Thank you Ms. J

    Feedback plz
    Last edited by Seedy; September 26th, 2005 at 12:28 AM
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  2. September 26th, 2005, 12:05 AM #2
    Prince Escobar
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    lol this actually made me laugh a little, one little point however i didnt like "biting the dead skin off" i mean the whole rest of the poem is pleasant, aromatic, moist, this part is far from any of the above and it is awkward, however i still liked this piece nice job man, 1luv.
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  3. September 26th, 2005, 09:28 PM #3
    Seedy
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    Uppin!
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  4. September 26th, 2005, 10:42 PM #4
    Seedy
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    Up!
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  5. September 26th, 2005, 11:20 PM #5
    MISTA GRIM
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    this was different.
    Good but unique?????????????????????????????
    NICE SHIT
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  6. September 27th, 2005, 10:21 AM #6
    Seedy
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    ^^Full of shit


    Please give me feedback on a way to make me elevate
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  7. September 27th, 2005, 03:31 PM #7
    Prince Escobar
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    Might i suggest the Poetic Elevation forum, there is the place to go for strict elevation feedback
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
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  8. September 28th, 2005, 10:31 PM #8
    Seedy
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    Alright, upping
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  9. September 29th, 2005, 12:46 PM #9
    Opie M.
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    lol i liked this. I disagree about the "biting the dead skin off" line. That was a good detail that triggered a visual of what was happening in the poem. It's funny to be so passionate about syrup (something i can understand ) but that was a great observation of what you do when you're really anticipating good food. Although this is a silly poem, i felt that you used a somewhat advanced literary technique here.
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  10. September 29th, 2005, 03:42 PM #10
    Seedy
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    Word, i feel you Opey Doke


    Thanks for replying guys....More feedback would be nice!
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  11. September 29th, 2005, 04:49 PM #11
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    i agree with opey, the techniques you used to approach this short/comical piece were definitely a perfect fit. your rhetorical strategies, i.e imagery, were all on point.

    nice poem, return feedback please - Beat Wave.
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