The Story

[Baby-Smile'z]

I keep on tryin but im losing my faith/gimmie something let me take it away/im walking the streets of L.A kickin rocks from the back of the streets im lovin you cant you see/ hoppin in my escalade droppin down from tha hood i play/hood hoppin from day to day/ smile back when we go play/ skippin rocks from the river runs down tha stream chasing after me/taking a relief smokin on the best weed/drinkin it like you cant see/ losing my mind but i aint no freak/sayin things that i dont mean/dont tlk shit cause it aint free/lookin back on your child hood memories/missed alot of your life when your dad past away/because you dont know me/ so please stop hatin on me/ i struggle thru life like everyone else does/but did you know im tired of all tha shit you say/stop runnin your mouth or ya get popped in tha leg/gun shots in your leg/cause this is the story today/ my story is true believe it it made me forget you/

[Baby-Smile'z]

give a gurl some feed bck...plz

[Illus']

...You have the idea in away but
Your lines are stretched, stop using this > / < that's
a no no ,It must go.
Simple as well use better vocuabulary to express
yourself. Your flow is good, but your structure
stinks. See my format how I am not stretching
my lines ? do the same in your next drop.
I liked this piece somewhat though, it caught
my intrest to a certain degree.

Keep elevating and dropping.

and get other links that you have
responded to before your thread gets
closed!

[Baby-Smile'z]

iight thnks man...ur adivice helps me get better and better....

[Mistral]

Yeah get those links up.

But work on your structure dont use paragraph form...use something like this...

I keep on tryin but im losing my faith/
gimmie something let me take it away/
im walking the streets of L.A kickin rocks from the back of the streets im lovin you cant you see/
hoppin in my escalade droppin down from tha hood i play/
hood hoppin from day to day/
smile back when we go play/

Just put them line on top of line so its structured better and work on your syllabal count and try to make each line even with the count so it helps the flow out as well. Like stated before, watch the length of your lines dont get them too stretched out it takes away from the flow...But keep at it and remember those links.

[Baby-Smile'z]

alright i like tha advice keep em going yo and read my otha threads they are on poetics just look fo everything on Baby-Smile'z or Baby-GStyle'z ma sista's name befo she got banned....n-e wayz thnks man

[MISTA GRIM]

yah i liked it. it flowed well and tha topic was hot. keep droppin and hit me up and check out my battle.

[Mistral]

No links