Lost Love

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post6826663
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...13#post6826713



We were apart all summer, that's when my smoking started
and my toking hardened when I was broken hearted
You came back, but I noticed your feelings had changed
Resurfaced, but what should I believe in this maze?
What happened to us? You made me who I am
Flattened the buzz, when we got close, you just ran
And I understand it might have been scary
but it's like you dragged on the strives that we've carried
The parts about you that I liked have been buried
but I still love you and that don't strike me as fairly
Had to cut you off, and you was shifty to the end
Now fuck you, saying you miss me as a friend
How can you ask me to set my feelings aside,
when just talking to you, I'm concealing my cries?
You know I'm too stubborn to be revealing my strives
Still you continue destroying my healing of pride
Just tell me your feelings, I wonder and,
by the way, fuck you, you never tried to understand
Please, tell me your feelings, I wonder and,
I'll never forget you, Susie, you don't understand

in the begining you were point. towards the end you kinda got a little over emotional an fell of flow n mulit wise. but i was feeling the beginig. decent drop.


best line:

We were apart all summer, that's when my smoking started
and my toking hardened when I was broken hearted

fav line:

Had to cut you off, and you was shifty to the end
Now fuck you, saying you miss me as a friend

that was pretty deep n direct. stay up n RTF

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-388120.html

omg..I'm feeding this as I get away from this stationary computer.:hung:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silhouettes

We were apart all summer, that's when my smoking started
and my toking hardened when I was broken hearted
This was a dope opener. Set the tone for the whole piece, multis were on point.
You came back, but I noticed your feelings had changed
Resurfaced, but what should I believe in this maze?
Alright, this bar could use a little more content, but there's not really anything wrong with it.
What happened to us? You made me who I am
Flattened the buzz, when we got close, you just ran
Still developing, staying with the topic. I like the flow here as well
And I understand it might have been scary
but it's like you dragged on the strives that we've carried
This just sounds like there's an extra syllable in it somewhere. Maybe "like you've dragged on strives.."? Just a technical issue here, nothing content wise.
The parts about you that I liked have been buried
but I still love you and that don't strike me as fairly
This sets up the next bar well
Had to cut you off, and you was shifty to the end
Now fuck you, saying you miss me as a friend
Emotional lines here, I think they probably sound familiar to a lot of people as well. I like this bar
How can you ask me to set my feelings aside,
when just talking to you, I'm concealing my cries?
Consistent tone and mood here. Doing a good job with the content fam
You know I'm too stubborn to be revealing my strives
Still you continue destroying my healing of pride
Flow's straight again, the multis are OK... Wording is a little awkward though
Just tell me your feelings, I wonder and,
by the way, fuck you, you never tried to understand
Please, tell me your feelings, I wonder and,
I'll never forget you, Susie, you don't understand
This was a good end to a nice short piece.

---

Overall it was a pretty good drop. Doesn't like you spent an immense amount of time on it or anything, but it's short and to the point. You conveyed your emotions effectively and delivered your tone to the reader very well. The content's definitely there, some of the wording is off though. Besides that it was excellent. 8.25/10 Good drop fam


First of all, I seem to find an underlying tone in most of your work I've read. It has nothing to do with the feed I'm going to give you, just an observation.

Thanks for the feed phaze & nulb.

And I understand it might have been scary
but it's like you dragged on the strives that we've carried
This just sounds like there's an extra syllable in it somewhere. Maybe "like you've dragged on strives.."? Just a technical issue here, nothing content wise.

Yeah, I understand what you mean, the thing is that my flow/emphasize change slightly in the second line. (edit - and if I were to keep on my original flow, it's actually 2 syllables extra.. I would've removed "but it's" if I were to have a continuously flow)

Uppin' =)

Had to cut you off, and you was shifty to the end
Now fuck you, saying you miss me as a friend



thas nice


this was dope man

i felt every line


like to see more of ur work

feeling some of your bars fam, the flow was nice, definitely an emotional piece, the concept itself is something alot of people could relate to. toward the end I see where you were going with this getting more and more formal. it just seemed like you could've gotten into more detail of why the relationship went sour though. the piece was still a good drop. thanks for the read.

rtf is in the siggy

Thanks for feed, will return tomorrow ;D

uppin

Liked this man. The content is somethin' I can dig, somethin' different from the norm, shows you're not afraid to try somethin' new. The rhyming was on point, but sometimes it seems like you rhymed just to rhyme. Keep it up, tho, i'll keep on the lookout for more of your shit, stay up

yeah u love ur relationship trauma,,,,

u must listenn to alot of atmosphere

this piece had a nice feel, altho i feel that it reads better as a poem

i liked the opening bar expect for the use of when in both sentences( nit picking)

the next two bars were the highlight of the piece in my eyes

devloped the emotional viewpoint for the rest of the piece

unfortunately i thought the next two bars where the worst of the piece

not the best wording and seemed to lack content when compared to the opening

u could have better developed ur imagery here

the next bar was another highlight strong emotional content that works

i also liked the feelings aside,,,concealing my cries multi,,,,nice execution

the next bar could have been tossed it doesnt add that much

it liked the ending altho i think the repetition is wut made this feel like a poem to me

good piece overall ot ur best tho

about a C,,,,,,,, (i am gonna be getting much harsher and more specific with my feed in an attempt to influence others to do the same,,,,diggy inspired me)

keep it up homie,,,,one

Koko...this isn't your best...your best was somewhere on RRG or that written about Palestine (epic..wish I was more inspired to do something during that time :( )

This piece was funny/emotional to me...but in a good way. Whilst I was reading it (two days ago) I chuckled at two particular lines:

but I still love you and that don't strike me as fairly
Had to cut you off, and you was shifty to the end

and

Just tell me your feelings, I wonder and,
by the way, fuck you, you never tried to understand

haha...nice. You conveyed the seriousness of it by mentioning real emotions or things to describe them more so....

But better because it was in the writing

The feeling of confliction is generally just pointed out as in: "I'm conflicted and don't know what to do" and though people read the line they don't get the feeling entirely. Those two lines I pointed out really lets people what kind of mind frame your in and makes it real. That's what I love about this piece...it seems as if it's still in its raw form with a slight nip tuck for the sake of flow. Good work...8.49/10

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Spaz Incendio

Koko...this isn't your best...your best was somewhere on RRG or that written about Palestine (epic..wish I was more inspired to do something during that time :( )

---

Actually, I think my best is another piece I'm working on that I won't drop until february... Or, it could've been my best if it weren't for the fact that I lost more than half of my work on it:vanja: I've lost my motivation now, but I'll see if I get it back :D
And yeah, I loved my Palestine piece.. It probably would've gotten a lot more response now though :thumbsdow Like I said
"preperation and trepidation can't save 'em no more
Gave 'em the chore of defending their lives, can't blame em for war"

Too bad the militant part of Hamas' use tactics that will lead to nothing but more suffering to their own people.




Anyways, thanks for feed, appreciate it. Oh, and I'm surprised at the level you understood my feelings spaz... thank you :)

I really liked this piece man, weve all been through our relationship bullshit so im pretty sure we can all relate to this subject, usually not something id want to read being about the love emotion and all, but i really seemed to enjoy reading this i was pleased with what i read and thought you put it together awesomely, good work man keep it up.
rtf
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ob-388433.html