Tip n' Go: Keep Going

Tip n' Go: Keep Going

By: Nash

the lonely homely lookin' lady, bookin' checks at the table
only to eat her eggs n' watch her fingers attract the ladle
it's fairly unstable, what happened that day
hard to portray what was instantly smacked away
and to date, i've never seen nor heard a thing worse
never dreamed the American dream left this stingin' hurt

i sat awaking with my coffee' .. at the counter i lied ..
and when i found her with my eyes, i felt my fears subside
that ONE person your eyes find, sat right before mine
perfect smile and her beauty seemed to shine its divine
i took note to this sign, and wrote upon a napkin
passed it to her, continued, and spoke what we imagined
what happened was we wrote for about an hour
and when we wrote, this heavenly cloak rid me of my coward
away from the inner thoughts that left my ego and power wide
rid me of a caption of my personality, deserting my stone sour side
for once in my unorganized life, i took name and number
and i watched her start to walk away.. so i hugged her
"thanks for this", i explained, "i've never had this before"
she smiled and waved in promise, "just wait 'till ya get more!"

then she stepped out the door, i hit the floor as my star ..
.. was toppled, ran over, smashed sober, and hit by a car
i looked in not that far, to find where she had eaten
watched 'upstairs' as God smashed my feet n' left me beaten
but all the same i took a seat and ..even though i knew
i asked 'why?' so slow ..why as i grow, this hurt just brews
as a gentlemen and religious man, i knew all i could know
so i did as any that had a good time would.. left a tip n' go

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post5300965
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...03#post5301003

kk, feedback is ready to be recieved :\

This was a decent piece. There were a few spots that could have been worded a lil better or set up better. But other than that... this was a nice little read.

thanks for that bit of feedback i already knew :\

This was quite nice, but yea there were a few minor problems, mostly with your wording, which I know from personal experience is very frustrating because you know exactly what you want to say but can't think of how to put it on a page. But yea I liked this dude, it had a nice story line and I was feeling your imagery it was what stuck out the most here that and your obvious story telling abilites, I like to tell a good story when I'm writing (in most of my peices) so it's nice to see somebody else concentrating on that too, because writing is about communicating, not complicating, so it's good to see you had a nice story and a nice message in your peice too. Good shit dude, keep at it, props.