CV: growing old

Growing Old

The lifeless, the side stitch, the revealing of her fine lips
the divine kiss, how my mind grips the clips of your eyes elcipse
I remember what i start to miss, the passion we used to hold
but now our lifes cold, were gettin old, storys of out lifes told
Our first house we had, is now sold, im growing tired, and going bald
My numbers been called, new body parts installed, im less then appaled
Ive forgotten all my problems, there in the bottom of the lake
The cooling of my veins, For the past 60 yrs my life has been the same
I dont know where to find you, I cant Take this no more
MY wishes...
all came true, we made it through the rough times with out that divorce
Our children Have all grown up, but ive wittnessed something more
Our youngest and are oldest died, how did i end up settling the score

I lived on forever, never healing all my sores
dont know what to do all my plans have got to waste
I even found myself afloat, across the morning shore
Suicide is not probable, i live dreadfull every day
Ive lost all my loved ones, Now who to take me in
My boys my wife my mom and dad, im lost and im stranded
MY life has no meaning, im a god among these kids
Like i said my wishes were handed, & imortality was granted

seemed like you were concentrating alot on multis... which theres nuthin wrong with, my last coupla drops have been like that, experimenting with flows, but i find that if there overused it taked away from the read... also the syllable count in some lines was stretched, so knocked the flow, the second verse, was better set out, but the scheme was choppy, the way you rhymed,,, but the topic was ok, and the apporach ok.... jus could have beem worded a bit better in places to iron out the creases.... not bad....

thanx uppin

word up topic~~~very nice piece..your content was pretty good..but I must agree with ^ your flow was a little choppy..but other than that..eveything else was dope..

thank you for the feedback

uppin please give some feedback

yea this was nice i enjoyed the read...Like Deva said...ya seemed to consintrate on ya multis which has changed ya flow a bit....ya structure was good not much wrong with it...Ya Flow was good a worked well with ya vocab which i thought was good also....keep em droping Man....PeacE.....

thanx

uppin for feedback

I agree this was a real nice piece here man.....enjoyed the read overall.....you had some good structure in this.....the flow in it i thought was pretty good it seemed to stay on through out the whole piece.....you had some good vocab in there.....you threw in some good multies, liked that....content was good overall....good piece, enjoyed the read man....keep at it.