just one of my writtens...lemme know what you think...

Frozen by my subtext you become my subject//
subjected to so much that it's got you perplexed//
ponderin, wonderin the outcome of a shitty situation//
and you open your mouth to speak but only find hesitation//
and hestitation will only get you to one destination//
which is hell, cant you tell, or do i need to spell...
it out for you, you got it in for me, so how could you expect sympathy, to put it simply...//
your the one who made the wrong choice//
listened to the wrong voice and now you got no reason to rejoice//
lookin at me like i might have the answer//
but it's people like you who plague this world like cancer//
(there's a break right here and then the rest of my verse)

So how can you expect to connect on the same mental plane//
feelin mentally drained cuz you have to strain...//
your eyes to see what comes naturally to me//
but apparently to you it's just a small formality//
so listen to me as i form the foundation for the basis of life//
all of its necessities food, water, air and light//
seal it up air tight and contain it in this verse//
but by the look on your face things just took a turn for the worse//
and you can't fight the uphill struggle when your travellin downhill//
sayin you can't move forward b/c of uncombined mind and will//
but mine bends at will and sends a chill to your spine...
until it reaches your occipital lobe//
just another half filled mind that's been successfully probed

Hmmmmmmmm .. you've got the potential there, you've got a lot of the basics down but at the moment thats just the foundation .. a lot of your multi's and internals are basic one and two syllable rhyming .. the flow was decent in it though, and i think you've got an idea of what good writing is .. it seemed to be more a verse for audio and you cant really get all the breaks and stops through in text as you would audio, but this wasnt bad.

Potentials there.

Reply to mine: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=95933

yeah it is an audio verse....i recorded it over a beat that we made...i will post it up soon and you can hear it...it probably makes better sense that way....i just need to back up the vocals first...thanks for the input though....appreciated....one.

nice flow, and use of rhyme schemes..... i wanna hear the audio i think itd make it that much better...... nice work, hollaaa

no doubt man....i'll let you know as soon as i get that shit ready...

Diverse 'Words Manifested'....................................... ................

Yea nice drop go the basics i also wanna here the audio

peace..

reply to three open mics, and post links to your replies in this thread or it gets deleted.
thanks.

i replied to love at first sight, sittin here and ghosts in my mirror..............one.

Diverse........................................... .........................

i agree man this seemed quite basic in written...but sounds like it might be ok with the right beat......sene potential here...lay it down an lemme see...aight...but even written sounds quite good...pZ.....add better multis an shit ....

yeah that's exactly the advice and shit i was lookin for...i figured my multis were a little soft but it's a pretty fast spit and to do it live i want it to sound fuckin dope.......but i think it might be too much on the basic side...i might change it up a little bit