Sing to you

I tried to sing to you today
Then I heard the audience clapping
I tell them I see your face
Upon hearing your sweet words
I tell them, re-tell them, and they…
pretend to be interested
Yet here I sit, in wait for you
and burn for your return
That’s why I sing you songs
And I hear the audience clapping
I talk with you and you
say you like my tunes
They tell me the clapping is footsteps
They stop me when I sing
And say I change emotionally
It’s through loving you too much
They put on my white jacket
I’m giving you my best
I’m giving you all I’ve got
They run me to that lonely room again
and shout…”It’s the footsteps in the hall!”
But I know it’s the audience clapping
The show is over
When will you come?
Until you do… I’ll sing for you















http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...80608-Tell-143
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-hearts-memoir

ATTENTION Emilyinthepool,

This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to.

For the life of me I couldn’t get into a rhythm with this poem. It read
really choppy and awkward for me. I’m not exactly sure why but I
think it’s a combination of your word choice, syllable count, and line
breaks. This poem felt distant and I couldn’t get on board with it.
Not necessarily your fault. Also, I think the constant repetition of words
and lines doesn’t work to your advantage here.
I really like the general idea/concept of the poem as a whole, I just think the
execution could be improved on. Keep writing, looking forward to reading
more of you in the future.

idk wtf Laur is talm bout..but this shit was mad dope. the whole audience clapping theme had me on some other shit..as if nothing was ever good enough..but then you turned the claps to footsteps and changed the whole aspect of the piece imo..it kinda has 2 different views from my point..be it two view from the same person or each one having their own view..but i took the first concept in my mind while reading..this piece had that kind like i told you not to fuck wit him/her typea feel..and i dug that..like how you opened it up as if you were just basically talking to your significant other but be it someone else interpreted what you were trying to get across type of affect..then the burn for your return part was like to me the other person telling them every time i voice my opinion it gets heated...so we end up in arguments and what not..this was dope..i love reading your pieces keep shit like this up and you'd be the new abiona..if you're not her!!!

I AGREE with ^ poetry isn't to much about rhythm, thats the beauty of it all . Ienjoyed the approach here and different points of view. You one good as writer girl (wife) and im still waiting on that collaboration. What made this piece what it was is the concept I can repeat what Sam said but im going to save myself time. Also like I mention every time I read your work I love your ability to tell a story, it's like you take a concept and evolve it into your own thing. You are definitely one of my favorite writers at the moment.(wife) Ben *laureate tends todissect things completely, he expects greatness each time so don't get discouraged. Far from distant. In the words of yourself "keep that pen writing".


Checking out - Niccolo -a.k.a [Husband]

Thanks Niccolo but you never signed a pre-nup. Tisk tisk
As for Laureate, I appreciate his advice. I only get pissed off if someone shows a mightier than thou attitude.
That makes me want to dig my heels in. Other than that, I like hearing it all. Good and bad.
This poem was actually about a lady who went insane through love. When she sang to her lover, she thought the audience was clapping for more, not knowing that the nurses down the hall were running to come put her in the padded room.
So, of course, she sang louder. Vicious circle.
Not my best piece, but I liked the sicko factor of it.
I do realise that we need to the darkness to appreciate the light.
I just really appreciate the feed.
And love RB.
And thank you guys for your words.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nicasso

I AGREE with ^ poetry isn't to much about rhythm

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it is absolutely about rhythm, but not exclusively rhyme - the 'flow' you might attribute to hip hop lyrics is entirely derived from the CADENCE of poetry. stop boxing things up.

i gather the poem is about a mental patient forlorn over a lost love: white jacket/lonely room. my interpretation, at least. so it's valid but not necessarily correct. didn't make much else from it. a bit bare bones but keep writing as improvement is almost inevitable as long as your disposition isn't entirely fucked. think about incorporating a motif if you want a thread to run through your work.

edit - just read your second post and lol i'm clever.