First Verse

Ok so, I've been a poet for all of my past writing but have always wanted to rap. I know I have what it takes to make something decent. It's just hard to break out of the pattern of writing poetry. When I start to write a rap, I click back to that poetical mindset. Which isn't bad. But. Rap and poetry, although similar, are not the same thing.

I think personally my problem is getting my rhymes to be less vague. To have a point to make, and use that as the foundation sort to speak for my writing. Instead of trying to squeeze as many rhymes as possible in it. It's gotta make sense. And it has to flow properly. Not to mention has too be clever, with wordplay, and multis.(For the style im looking to make for myself.)

Rap is so deep. There's so many different ways and styles, and its fun to just. Sit there and fuck around with words and concepts. But like I said, I'm still snapping outa the poets mindset. Anyways, I've been 'staking ammo' for awhile and I gathered up a few bars(or my attempts at them.) and tried my hand and putting together a verse for hopefully a full blown song.
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Please critique every mistake you guys see.
Be ruthless. I want too improve.
Please keep in mind I use word bending quite frequently.
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Sinking to the brink, as I stop and drop and think.
Making 'em all sick. Bitch go find a sink. Too much too drink.
If rap was evolution, I'm the missing link,
Yeah,
They never understand what I say, Cause I may,
Go a bit too fast, Blast that ass, with poisonous gas,
Chokin, holdin, your throat as you start to gasp,
Then collapse, and pray for someone to save your bitch ass.
Everything I say is lethal. Let's leave it at that, in fact
Wanna know why I'm cold like that? Cause the spirit, they fear it, thought it was intact. But it snapped. Broke. Shattered. Just like that.
So I get a urge, to have a murderous splurge with a baseball bat, on your baseball cap. Gonna need a new size hat, with I'm done with that attack.

Let's face it. I'm crazy as hell. I'll ring a bell, while I'm swinging a cat by it's tail. Just to prove who's meaner. Split your spine with that feline and give you cat scratch fever. Making bitches go crazy like I was fucking Justin Beiber. Attack your girlfriends beaver like a fucking woodland creature. Put it on mad thumbs* as the main feature.
Your better off on the bleachers.
Cause you gotta be a little insane for this game.
Kinda like a 16 year old fucking his teacher.
Am I mentally ill? A tank top wearing wife beater? No neither.
This is me, when I cut and bleed, and binge for a week on weed, booze, pills and ether.
Raps keeper. I'm making it mine. Call me a benzo, and coke addict.
Cause I abuse, with no excuse,
these bars and these lines.

*a porn site.

yo man i loved the second verse had some good metaphores and creativity and overall humor. thats something that catches an eye.

Let's face it. I'm crazy as hell. I'll ring a bell, while I'm swinging a cat by it's tail. Just to prove who's meaner. Split your spine with that feline and give you cat scratch fever. Making bitches go crazy like I was fucking Justin Beiber. Attack your girlfriends beaver like a fucking woodland creature. Put it on mad thumbs* as the main feature.
Your better off on the bleachers.
Cause you gotta be a little insane for this game.
Kinda like a 16 year old fucking his teacher.


I wish the 1st verse was compatable with the second. all i can give you for constructive criticism is to stay with that creativity and metaphorical style that u have from beginnin to end. i do like some of the multi usage u came with also.

hey man that was pretty sweet i thought. liked the bit about the woodland creature/beaver. the second verse was definately stronger though as said above nice drop though.