Rules can be found in the rules thread...
Due to the late posting of the topic and threads, verses will be due Monday at 11:59 PM P.S.T.
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Rules can be found in the rules thread...
Due to the late posting of the topic and threads, verses will be due Monday at 11:59 PM P.S.T.
just for the record. in
i gave you fire.
body plastic, the source of anger, sadness, remorse
illumination pays the price for all the callouses, sores
leather hands to absorb my automatic flashes of warmth,
rainy days, gutter dripping down an alley or porch
a bastard of sorts, no relative, just clones and impostors
without a story left to reinvent the ghosts of our fathers
ignorant, silent types.. all hotheads, all socially awkward
in this filthy market, equal parts of roaches & robbers..
the motions are somber - couple words, a fistful of dollars
only there to light a fuse or lift at a concert;
taken from the cardboard cage, this prison of commerce
to give fire - subject of many a magnificent proverb.
but how was i to know, we were imprisoned regardless
forced to make the cannon blast and finish it's target,
forced to make the crystal glow until your kid is retarded,
camel cherry bleeding blue, behind the lips of an artist.
it can never be aborted once our mission has started
until our fluid is diminished and we sit in the garbage.
to the victims of arson, i can't apologize, don't expect a reaction
a tool used by hands, controlled by mind's menacing actions.
chemical splashes, anarchic molotovs are seeking a change
dynamite misfires leaving mine workers leaking their brains..
demons and angels swirling in my mechanical head
9 birthday candles, tommy surrounded by his family & friends
passionate beds, incense intensifying sexual pleasure
the first valentine's day they've had to spend it together,
wet in the weather, i've dried to spark up the cess
i've seen countless side tables, jacket pockets n' desks
in every possible way, i only want to impress
light that last Black Cat, though we're soggy & drenched
many coffins, pinewood shining, watching them rest,
then seen a seance taking place as the audience wept..
often at death, i'm present as a diligent visitor
saw courtney love shoot kurt and try to mimic his signature,
but i also aid survival for those frigid in winter blurs,
granting freedom from the elements; all living are prisoners.
the liquid inhibitor, source of heat, a lighter and wick
life's story breathes adventure through the eyes of a Bic.
so next time you raise that flame, gettin high with a spliff
know that you could see the world inside the eyes of a Bic.
now put ya lighters up.
- Black
OH MY GAWD.
coming soon...
MY MIND IS GONE.
Blacketh: This was very smooth, you had some really good one liners in this piece, alot of well thought out ideas on an individual basis, and was all tied together rather well by concept. vocab, rhyme scheme, structure...all pristine. my issue with this...and normally this wouldnt even get brought up, but due to the nature of the week. a find plot an important aspect of a STORY, although you have a pretty cool character, bringing life to an inanimate object was extremely cool, but their wasnt so much a plot as a biography. my only complaint.
YDK: ok, first off, big improvement, you actually put forward a good effort, a fair amount of material which allowed for the idea to unfold better. now for the negative, although i felt you held your own in vocab/rhyme scheme and all that, i think we can agree black bested you there. now where you had a chance to capitalize was in blacks shortcoming in establishing a plot of some sort, buuut you too didnt really have a plot, it was more of a descriptive piece on the life of someone in jail, which basically the strength in your verse was the setting, but you didnt really create a stand-out character, you had some general ideas about a specific group, there was no connection to one specifically.
Overall: basically both artists left out a cohesive plotline, so this boiled down to setting vs characterization, and when i think about stories and what the most important aspects are, characters take the lead, you can build a story with a weak setting but a strong character base, the same isnt as true in the reverse. that paired with the overall better technical verse...
v. Blacketh
Blacketh - Personification of an item that I'm sure we've all had many experiences with was a creative approach. I kinda wish you would've had a lost in the couch reference though... The omission was a big hit to the effectiveness of your message.
YDK - You brought some skills this week, man. I thought the vocab and multi's were used well. What took away from this is the fact that it seems generic. Good prose, but nothing I can pick out and remember about your verse.
Overall Blacketh had more elements present for this week's topic, though it was missing some key elements of storytelling (which YDK also was guilty of) . Also, he had some better original imagery that made his verse stand out.
Vote = Blacketh
Blacketh - I've yet to see anybody in the league that could blend natural wordings and intricate rhyme scheme better than Black and this was no exception. I like the "I gave you fire" title...perhaps a nod to Nas's "I gave you power"? Make sense since the two work shares a similar approach: allegorical writing. And both were pretty dope, lol. Even though it lacks a conventional plot, i still view it as a story because there was, indeed, a character throughout the verse. I really cant see too many problems with this to be honest.
Kuhn - To echo the last two voters sentiments, i thought you really step things up this week. The flow was pretty crisp and the commentary was very nice. But the problem was...thats all it was, a commentary. Missing are characters and plot, two major elements of story-telling. I'm still not sure why you decided to go this route knowing the topic this week was story. But like i say, lyrically, this was one of ur best that i've read so far. I hope you bring that to the next round, bro.
vote - blacketh. It was just an all around better piece. But kuhn's potential really came thru in this battle. good shit fellas.
Black: I thought this was pretty dope and original. It reminded me of "When the Gun Draws" by Pharoahe Monch. Anyway, I think it was a cool concept, and it didn't come off as gimmicky. Sometimes these kind of verses come with a "gotcha!" wink, but this felt honest, intelligent and sincere. It was a great way to personify the lighter, giving it emotion and the awareness of how it impacts people. Technical aspects were typical Black--smooth, controlled and natural. Nice drop on the whole. That being said, not exactly a story in the conventional sense, but it was a narrative and seemed to crescendo in terms of the gravity of the subject matter.
Kuhn: Hands down this is the best I've seen from you (granted I haven't got my issue of "Unsure" yet). The flow and scheme was solid, no real blind spots from it for your verse. I do have quarrel with it for a few reasons though. First, it just felt a little generic--inserting your voice into the piece really hurt it ("thats why i pray that people in prison just learn to be honest!"). That may seem petty, but it's really not considering how expositional the rest of your verse is. When you say "I" when there is no character to pin it to, the piece immediately sounds confessional. That's not to say confessional is bad, but it's difficult to do well and is pretty mismatched for storytelling week.
Vote: Black took this, but YDK proved why you gotta watch out for him. A few tweaks and he'll be a problem.
I feel this is a bit redundant lol but...
black- i liked the clones or imposters line, that was illy...but really your whole verse was on point...I do agree with the overall feed- this doesn't exactly have a plot, but its good for what it is.
ydk- your best verse yet. I hope you try this hard from now on lol (even if its only for play offs). Was quite an enjoyable read but again, no plot. (I gave you detailed feed on plk so I don't feel like repeating myself, but you know what it is)
vote- black for more finesse, but a good plotless battle lol