RULES: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Schedual Changes have occured!!! PLEASE LOOK!!
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RULES: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Schedual Changes have occured!!! PLEASE LOOK!!
Good Luck
I'm here baby
Sorry For The Folly.
Why are you here?
…
A lover jilted…
Still kids born from the womb
Portended the doom, guilt hid
Indistinct, amongst a quilted gloom,
Sorry for the folly, honestly;
Insisting I pull the wool, too soon.
Culling strands by hand from this brush,
My clumsy touch once brought laughter,
Other tugs
Of your hair forced the thought ‘bastard’.
A lover’s hug;
Now am I - can I be the man you sought after?
Another touch;
A useless hunt, why am I caught backwards!?
I blundered but
You were the dawn; I was just a born disaster.
“If the map works
I should find you.”
Your last words,
I’d love the mind to…
Damn, the past hurts
Should I be blind to -
- “Is the present much better?”
You said that as I edged
Gently into your sweater,
Deep breath deep set in
My chest with pressure,
You screamed…for more
& it was then I seemed lesser;
I could have drowned in
Your effervescent essence.
…
I didn’t mean it, intravenous edicts;
Boiling hot - there was soil…a plot -
Mars shaded, craving limbs of Venus,
I toiled until you were coiled into a slot.
That was it, the re-run…I denied you breathing,
It was the demons fiending, but you were a whore
Who’d lost my sons -- I couldn’t find the meaning,
Pleading! No reprieve when...I stopped your lungs,
I’m sorry for the folly, honestly – I mean it,
Let’s talk, that’s the reason you’re here this evening!?
Hidden Content:
The Devil's Lake Butcher Monologues
Pair'a headlights burnt orange & tainted
the lore sedated my sleep, bed bugs waitin' to eat
I was sore an' drained in a world that faded asleep
hatred so deep, surfers rode waves at it's peaks
news flashes of new caskets tailored his dreams
the silenced thrustin', mufflin' bruises, anger & screams
It's been a few weeks since the latest murder
the ol' Lincoln's brakes screeched to an aimless murmor
a beard that grew for ages curtained, a smile
that was so sick and vile it required rage & hurtin'
As I peered through my bedroom blinds,
he flung her on her side, with a pride of ten-toothed swine
“Crawl.” I heard him say, she tried to turn away
he took the knife and he held it to her burstin' veins
- the news flashed again, “when will we capture him?”
“the Devil's Lake Butcher.." witnesses manicken'
“a 21-year-old girl last seen at bamontin..'”
& she HAD sounded like a birdie when raquetin'..
outside, he hammered fists into her gashed up lips
wrists torn from the duct tape..
”c'mon, let's make a fucktape.”
dragged her inside of the garage, & slammed it quick.
October 24th, 2010
(A recording device captures the following)
Dear voice diary, I'm on my second bottle...
Pinot for the heroes, chardonay for the dead & hollow
heaven follows..the Preist riegns, “In God the Father”
It's just another day in the life of a Trauma Doctor...
Theresa Major, that was her name...n' I pray tonight..
cause just like so many others, I couldn't save her life.
I couldn't savour the moment of urgency come restful
where I sigh & say, “The surgery was successful."
now, I got a chance..to be a hero, cape & everything
maybe it's a saviour complex...or fate beckoning.
my neighborh with the Lincoln, that rancid ol' foolh
think he's got the 21–year–old girl, frhum Channel 6 News
& it's - the, the second chardonay, Ih finallay finishd...
nowh alli gotta, do, all I'....m on agh missiion..
To the silent observer, I stumble, learning to walk..
But I'm convinced nobody heard me distraught..
I keep a gun in the attic, burning to cock..
Side door of his house, I find myself turning the lock..
The smell of rotting flesh infects this damaging home
& In the background I faintly hear Nat the 'King' Cole...
Sudden strike to my head, I empty 2 from the chamber..
but before I fade, he whipers, -
“Did ya really think YOU could'a saved her?.”
Channel 6 News Broadcast, 2 Weeks Later..
"missing for 12 days, wouldn't answer his pager..
police searched the home of a John Ranger..
A voice recorder was found next to a wine sabre,
hinting police to investigate his long-time neighbour..
a corpse was spotted on through the window,
It was Ranger, blunt trauma, body blue & brittle.
They heard moaning from the stairs below
kicked in the door..found a 21-year-old girl, baron hope
Joslin Major, still in hospital, recovering grief
recieved heartbreaking news of her Mother deceased
A Theresa Major, two weeks backwards in date
died in hospital after a fatal car crash on the State'
and still, within the midst of all this evil...
The Devil's Lake Butcher is still incognito..."
Press Play, And Read On.
[YOUTUBE]q8tRTZIx298[/YOUTUBE]
Location: Believed to be an abandoned
barnhouse, just south of Devil's Lake..
Months after the death of John Ranger...
"You know, this song never get's old"
...A girl cries through duct tape, weathered & cold
"she should of never defied me here.."
"Ya'know, it was the 50's..different time my dear"
"Unforgettable, she truly is..
Asked her at Prom to dance, she said.. you duly wish.."
"& this was the tune-
Nat Cole could sink your heart & lift up the moon....."
A gunshot wound was wrapped on his arm,
Aparently his neighbour shot him, he had to run far...
"Ohhh, but there's no rest for the wicked, my dear"
He held a Butcher's knife, she flickered in fear..
time to extinguish the flame..
"It's too bad, you have.....such a.... beautifal... face.."
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!"
& the Butcher never sleeps, he won't ever rest
His life up in flames, a fairytale transformed into death
could'a been a bad dream, if it weren't for her dress..
And he'll wish every night, that she would of said Yes.
.
delete
delete
Rdy for votes..finally lol
Short vote...but it's clear.
Etym: Your concept of an insane man talking to the ghost of his murdered woman...was decently displayed. I think that there needed to be more glue between the phrases...more transition, so to speak. Perhaps you were displaying your verse in an erratic form in order to help reinforce the insanity of the character...but it was just a lil thin to me.
Rhyme wise...it was solid...very melodic/sing songy rhyme schemes...nice attention to multi detail and such.
I liked the "comb/pulling out your hair" phrase...I thought it was brilliant and poetic...the imagery was pretty solid in your piece.
Dex'Labb: I thought that this story, conceptually, was really creative and well crafted. The seguay's were strong...and that's where Etym lacked. Your imagery was also crazy on point and vivid.
Your multi schemes are creative, as far as word choice goes...like "damaging home" and "Nat the King Cole"...
Overall...I think that this vote is super easy and clear cut. Dex' took the win based on his story telling ability and concept...the concept was more creative and fresh, and it was executed really well with the story, especially with the "multi scene" story...that shit is hard to do. Etym's verse was decent...it just wasn't comparable to Dex's.
Holy nucking futs.. I will actually vote on this when I'm off..
*spot back*
This was wicked ass shit.. Prolly one of the best storys I've read, dex. The first one was cool also.. Great flow and use of multies.. Reminds me of tool's style but it just didn't really compare to the story dex brought to the table. A bitter disturbed man wanting revenge for years of unsettling, I guess.. Pretty sick twist to it.. Flowed awesome aswell and the multies were butter.. Gotta give this to Dexter for having the more in-depth horror piece.. I'd go more in-depth myself but unfortunately I'm on my Celly so, yep.. Nice shit to both though..
v: Dex'Labb
Etym you came was a decent drop....your drop was on point with the concept...very detailed...in my opinion i found to be poetic but at the same time with a bizarre twist
my favorite part of your whole verse was
Culling strands by hand from this brush,
My clumsy touch once brought laughter,
Other tugs
Of your hair forced the thought ‘bastard’.
A lover’s hug;
Now am I - can I be the man you sought after?
Another touch;
A useless hunt, why am I caught backwards!?
I blundered but
You were the dawn; I was just a born disaster.
i liked how the multis fit perfect on your drop, overall you had a decent drop but at some points seemed like it was a bit off topic buh other than that i was feeling it
vs
Pair'a headlights burnt orange & tainted
the lore sedated my sleep, bed bugs waitin' to eat
I was sore an' drained in a world that faded asleep
hatred so deep, surfers rode waves at it's peaks
news flashes of new caskets tailored his dreams
The smell of rotting flesh infects this damaging home
& In the background I faintly hear Nat the 'King' Cole...
Sudden strike to my head, I empty 2 from the chamber..
but before I fade, he whipers, -
“Did ya really think YOU could'a saved her?.”"You know, this song never get's old"
...A girl cries through duct tape, weathered & cold
"she should of never defied me here.."
"Ya'know, it was the 50's..different time my dear"
"Unforgettable, she truly is..
Asked her at Prom to dance, she said.. you duly wish.."
"& this was the tune-
Nat Cole could sink your heart & lift up the moon....."
A gunshot wound was wrapped on his arm,
Aparently his neighbour shot him, he had to run far...
"Ohhh, but there's no rest for the wicked, my dear"
He held a Butcher's knife, she flickered in fear..
time to extinguish the flame..
"It's too bad, you have.....such a.... beautifal... face.."
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!"
I had to highlight most of the parts on your verse cuz this was a dope piece,extremely vivid, well plotted, and the structure was on point.....this had a dark twist to it at the end. I think everything was well put togethor...i even played the nat cole king song while reading the closer ....and it was pretty ill the way you ended it ...gives you a chill down your spine....overall im gonna have to call this a body bag...dex you defintley took this battle hands down...overall a very impressive verse....im looking forward to seeing more shit from you
This was a great battle, but one just stood out...
Etym: Was a solid piece, with only a few mistakes in your flow, but thats acceptable... i just thought your topic wasnt interesting enough, you should of spiced it up a little bit, but good job overall, good multies and what not...
The part i felt was really good was:
It just seemed to flow really well... Nice piece overall man, next time make it more interesting.Quote:
- “Is the present much better?”
You said that as I edged
Gently into your sweater,
Deep breath deep set in
My chest with pressure,
You screamed…for more
& it was then I seemed lesser;
I could have drowned in
Your effervescent essence.
Dex': REALLY GOOD PIECE, if it wasn't obvious, your piece stood out the best. You had a great story with a really interesting twist at the end. The way you set it up was perfect and everything, even down the video, it was just an amazing piece, great job, keep up the work, your flow was good as well, great imagery, emotion coulda been better but nice job...
ONE OF THE ONLY BAD PARTS WAS:
C'MON DEX', REALLY?... You coulda re-worded that better... lolQuote:
wrists torn from the duct tape..
”c'mon, let's make a fucktape.”
Well overall Dex had the better piece, with a better, more interesting story, decent flow, great imagery, and so-so emotion..
v.DEX'
etym: felt like this was a bit basic to be honest, decent from that stand point but nonetheless skeletal
pretty straight forward, enjoyed it for what it was.
Dex: talk about epic, the story itself was a little jumpy from targets to locations but i think you did a pretty good job of relating it regardless, i never felt lost because of this, this was a great story but the what i loved was the song choice, that shit was perfect - eerie irony in its sound
the imagery was great, the flow of it was good, just A+ on all accounts
concept was pretty straight forward in some sense, but i like that you incorporated the origins of his murder spree, a scorn, i think you really could of added to this with some of the rituals serial killers go through
my only complaint is the dudes attempt to save this chick, just seems a bit uncalled for, had you suggested maybe that the killers intent all along had been this man it would of been something cool, but its more an observation than a complaint, what i did like about the character is your relation of drunken savvy through the misspelling of words, that was nice
breakdown
this was pretty onesided, the length of his piece was overpowering against items small piece, which carried consistently good content throughout
v.DEX
Dex.. damn man.. I seen people talkin' about the verse like "BEST THIS SEASON ZOMG!!!" but I didn't think nothin' of it tbh. I was most def wrong to think that way because this could very well be one of the top verses this season... or maybe the top shit I read in a minute. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I think everyone in the league would've lost against you this week. The story was excellent. Well thought out.. detail was awesome. The flow was dope.. never really fell off. Even the breaks sort've rhymed with the drop aside from that last one after the video. I loved the video btw.. the touch it added to this piece was immense... I felt it was a key point and one of our only ways of getting to know the "butcher" personally. Really cool idea... No complaints dude. Serious.
Etym.. concept was sick. I really enjoyed it as far as that goes.. flow was good. There just needed to be more to the idea imo if you wanted to contend with Dex's verse here.. you would've had to have gone deeper and really ripped open this concept to win this. I really don't have any HUGE complaints about your verse.. but reading this against what Dex brought.. it just doesn't compare because of the amount of detail he uses placed against the lack of detail you use...
Really.. this battle wasn't a tough decision for me. I think both verses were great, and the battle was probably BotW... but not only that... Dex just came with some wtf shit this week. I was looking forward to dudes writing again, but damn.. this took it...
vote Dex'Labb... great battle guys. Probably more entertaining than my own battle lmao...and I was in a champ match...
Dex Wins.