What We Never Could

What We Never Could

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhEiIclI0XI

Yeah, the corner store's affiliated with mobsters
Get your self protection but my man it's gonna cost ya
They throwin bricks at mah local-clinic
Nobody ever gets hit cause nobody was ever in it, uh
You catch my drift when I say the worlds insane
Just a freight train no breaks, this shit aint the same
Yeah, oppression just-develops, it's what they often tell us
Tryin to make money's the only thing that'll propel us
My fam's try to get money by the hour
Dealin, robbin, extortion, nigga tha-world-is-ours
Man I got the big dream for this business
I know I'm not alone, somebody gimme a witness, uh!

We feel the rhythm as we walk in the hood
Knowin whats good, the worlds mine, gettin what we never could

Yeah son the second verse goes out to my brothers
survivan, coneivin, and tryin to get tha money to support their mothers
Cause the militias risin higher, we got flag barrers up for hire
and buildings lit on fire, these tails I'm tellin don't come from imagination
They come from inflation, oppression man, the world aint my creation
I represent my people latin culture gettin scraps like the vultures
Put off ta the side call us a sculpture, yeah and we still not gettin any cream
The dreams of success I had arent as easy as they seemed
Yeah, the liberation in these station, frequency modulations
Are the remnants, of mah-raps-cremations
I'm getting sick and tired of the tattle tellin
Spread the word my niggas so every bodies yellin-

We feel the rhythm as we walk in the hood
Knowin whats good, the worlds mine, gettin what we never could

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...502/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...707/index.html

Yeah, the corner store's affiliated with mobsters
Get your self protection but my man it's gonna cost ya
Basic..
They throwin bricks at mah local-clinic
Nobody ever gets hit cause nobody was ever in it, uh
Dope concept..
You catch my drift when I say the worlds insane
Just a freight train no breaks, this shit aint the same
Doesn't correlate well..just seems like you forced a rhyme.
Yeah, oppression just-develops, it's what they often tell us
Tryin to make money's the only thing that'll propel us
Digging this bar.
My fam's try to get money by the hour
Dealin, robbin, extortion, nigga tha-world-is-ours
Had potential, but way too straight forward imo.
Man I got the big dream for this business
I know I'm not alone, somebody gimme a witness, uh!
Eh, simple.
We feel the rhythm as we walk in the hood
Knowin whats good, the worlds mine, gettin what we never could
Bad chorus imo..only two lines and it's a pretty elementary rhyme.
Yeah son the second verse goes out to my brothers
survivan, coneivin, and tryin to get tha money to support their mothers
Decent..
Cause the militias risin higher, we got flag barrers up for hire
and buildings lit on fire, these tails I'm tellin don't come from imagination
They come from inflation, oppression man, the world aint my creation
Kinda cool. Needs to be perfected though.
I represent my people latin culture gettin scraps like the vultures
Put off ta the side call us a sculpture, yeah and we still not gettin any cream
The dreams of success I had arent as easy as they seemed
I can relate. Real talk.
Yeah, the liberation in these station, frequency modulations
Are the remnants, of mah-raps-cremations
I like this concept. Metaphorical.
I'm getting sick and tired of the tattle tellin
Spread the word my niggas so every bodies yellin-
Decent.

Overall, this was an okay verse. I'm sure it'll probably have more of an impact in audio, but as far as text, it comes off a little basic. Some of your concepts hit home, just because it was real shit. But I think you were lacking in the creativity department, but maybe metaphors and wordplay and all that shit just aren't your style.

We feel the rhythm as we walk in the hood
Knowin whats good, the worlds mine, gettin what we never could

I not really into punchelines or metaphor after metaphor. but ya I gotta tweak this a bit and it's meant for audio. thanks man.

I liked this. I can't relate to some shit you were saying. but felt the emotion which is always important too me in these types of rhymes. you said its meant for audio. which I thought it was reading it the first time through. only improvement I guess is more punches and/or metaphors? maybe. but I don't believe its that important for audio's. overall 7/10 too me, okay ish rhymes. 1

uppin for feedback and thanks for droppin some too ^^