Baby Soft

Just something I just wrote thought about it in the shower tell me if ya like it or not.

I'm baby soft, but it just comes with the flow
Find a used condom in your room, your girls says I dont know
But we fucked..and hell yeah it was fun
I'd come back for more, but you got a gun
Sittin on your porch man, I see you empty and hollow
I think to myself man "damn, am I bein followed?"
This is an average day, in the life of the Prime
Drivin in my car listenin to corona and lime
Stop by a club and dance with some chicks
Not in the south man I don't get down with hicks
I hears some gun shots man I gotta go
Run outta the place before the damn cops show
Ridin in my chevy fuck ya caprice
Wavin around my chrome piece sayin "fuck the police"
But I aint NWA thats not what I say
What I'm sayin is that I'm the badass of the partay
So you can sit around with a gun waitin for me to come
But man guess what I'm still fuckin her at her occu-pa-tion (ock-q-pay-shun)

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...333/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...344/index.html

uppin for critique

Im' not going to give a breakdown on this verse because i gave you a breakdown on your other verse earlier,
but i am going to give some words of advice;
Always take time writing your "Open Mics" i see you have posted "TWO" today, every good writer takes time to think about what they write before they write it, if the verse is too rushed it will look rushed and all the readers will be able to tell it's rushed,
Just open up a notebad select a topic "i prefer opening up a picture that represents my topic" then write making sure you go line/bar by line/bar making sure your rhyme scheme is there and your particular wording and metaphors are there,
A average "Good" OM should take around 1day-week for it to be of an excellent peice,
Unless your an awesome writer, but by the looks of it you are elevating'.
So keep up the good work and when you take more time out concentrating more on how you write a verse it will be excellent. ;)
so i'll be watching out ;)
G'luck and StayUp.

I only wrote one today Trees was writin last night.
Anyways thanks for the advice. Most of my stuff is off the top of the head though. I haven't actually sat down and wrote a rap verse yet so thats why most of mine come out fast. Like I said in the description this was thought of in the shower and the rest was just thought of while I typed it for the thread.

pretty weak, the content is straight foward, nothing you had to think about really or anything to look in to. basic one sylable boring rhyme scheme, multis are an important thing in free writen peices, they make them sound soooo much better. also work on a unified sylable count. go with a certain number of sylables per line and make every line that same number of sylables or if not, no more or no less than one sylable off. also just personally, saying hears isnt appealing and i didnt like you saying partay ins tead of party for the sake of a one sylable rhyme. improve on those things i stated n good luck next drop

Ight, you sounded a little angry. Maybe you aren't just dont take my vote in your rap battle personally it's just a forum full of people tryin to rap.

no anger was intended, and i dont take any votes personally, its all good, keep elevating

The verse had ok flow,but had very simple lyrics,are you quite young? This isnt a diss,just want an insight into how long youve been writing,as the basics are there,just not the full force needed to have an impact... Also whats the wordplay at the end? I dont get it...

Flow - 7/10
Vocab - 6/10
Lyrics - 6/10

Overall - just keep writing and i think you'll get better,and i bet you're quite young,read other peeps open mic's and take some tips from them,as we have all learnt from someone else...

I am 15 man but I just started writing like since last month so ya I'm pretty new.
I read some peoples open mics but mostly inspired by Lil Wayne and Immortal Technique.

uppin for more critique

ok imma give u some honest feedback...

Quote:

---

I'm baby soft, but it just comes with the flow
Find a used condom in your room, your girls says I dont know
But we fucked..and hell yeah it was fun
I'd come back for more, but you got a gun

---

pretty funny opener...talkin bout some real life hood shyt...we all been there...lol...good flow on it...multiz did ok...n ur wording was basic but tha idea was too...so its all kewl...

Quote:

---

Sittin on your porch man, I see you empty and hollow
I think to myself man "damn, am I bein followed?"
This is an average day, in the life of the Prime
Drivin in my car listenin to corona and lime

---

i dont rele understand tha first line...2nd line decribes some MORE HOOD SHYT...i used to like jump alot...pull my gun on my shadow n shyt...lol so ur a PRIME?...like transformers?...lol n i like that corona n lime shyt...real imagery...u want pplz to see what u see when u write...flow was good...wordin shud be upped...

Quote:

---

Stop by a club and dance with some chicks
Not in the south man I don't get down with hicks
I hears some gun shots man I gotta go
Run outta the place before the damn cops show

---

first bar was funny...i mean some basic club shyt...but ur wrong bout tha south buh we aint no hickz...2nd bar was EVEN MORE HOOD SHYT...

Quote:

---

Ridin in my chevy fuck ya caprice
Wavin around my chrome piece sayin "fuck the police"
But I aint NWA thats not what I say
What I'm sayin is that I'm the badass of the partay
So you can sit around with a gun waitin for me to come
But man guess what I'm still fuckin her at her occu-pa-tion (ock-q-pay-shun)

---

IM GONE ILL FINISH FEEDING THIS LATER...

Ight man thanks, I know that the dirty aint no hicks just sayin some funny shit for the hell of it.

not the best work by readin i came to the conclusion you just started rappin.. work on your vocabulary and rhyme scheme try using multis your whole piece lacked substance and any good lines in my opinion nothing stood out and it seem like it was a freestyle about nothing... honestly i dont know what u were trying to say here i guess it was just a quick rap with out meaning... just lines that rhyme lol keep workin on your craft

Meh, it was a starter and yeah I have just started in this game.
Anyways this song is just about a day in the life.

like the drop. like the others say, it's pretty basic. but since you are young you have time to open your mind. you have good base for writing just be more elaborate with your verse