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'Beaten'
my mouth kissed the concrete,
tounge sprawled across the curb;
helpless, like a worm trying
to escape the heat of blacktop.
fists pounding against my helpless
body, as an enraged percussionist-
blood seeping from bruised skin,
like biting into an aged apple;
furrowed flesh, mangled and destroyed.
my body wrinkled into a ball,
beaten to a mere pulp, and left with
nothing more than the worthless core.
I am the counterpart of a voodoo
doll caught in an elephant stampede,
a mesh of dismantled ligaments, trampled
skin, and rupurted arteries.
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Re: 'Beaten'
Nice writing and a very good use of imagery. I liked the amount of description you put into your writing. It brought the piece alive for the reader
A nice, enjoyable piece
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Re: 'Beaten'
came together nicely...
dug the last stanza a lot. felt you could have even gone on a bit more from that point... even just a closing line to give a definitive end to it. perhaps something that would explain where the beating came from.
the rest of my commentary you already got... but yeah. turned out well.
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Re: 'Beaten'
Thanks for the feed, and I agree, ab.
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Re: 'Beaten'
This was more of like a 'vibe' piece....more of like you kinda doing an exercise in imagery, I liked that......
these lines stuck out in the piece IMO....
fists pounding against my helpless
body, as an enraged percussionist-
blood seeping from bruised skin,
like biting into an aged apple;
this was real fun to read.