Beaten Down

the water beats down the temple of my head,
creating a sacreligious feeling while i lie in bed.
my face is sweltering and yellowing further
but it doesn't affect my defect as a learner.
i gain knowledge of atlantis, damaged and broken
a mishandled and open package, vanished and hopeless.
sitting on the side of the fence, pressed for time
dressed, in line, just waiting as my death arrives.
left for fine, and its upsetting my conscious,
i deserve far worse than any of these faucets.
tools, pawns, ignorant and stable. pissing on the table
is the only way an angel notices the halo.
wading down the corroded stream, i know this dream
only im not wading, not even floating, see.
i'm drowning beneath my cement filled tears.
i've killed years by wasting time like the mob,
it's called "be a citizen and find a fuckin' job."
taxes, death, and a nuclear holocaust is all
i depend on ever happening to us all.
can the horse shoe ever land and abhor you?
of course dude, one day everyone is forced to
play the losing hand, because not everyone
is a winner and some of us are always beginners
and that is a subject that you all can test me on.
because the worst person is not the sinner,
it's the preacher of false believers.
i saw a man who once described to me
how his life would be if had kept his place in society.
"some of us are standers and the others are leapers."
i thought he meant leper, but then i remembered,
we were standing on the edge of knife
and we were both ready to fall free for life.
so i had to choose which one i was to him,
and then i looked at the sky and gave a nod to him.
he lept off that knife and loved all of his days,
but i noticed he gave a slight glance my way
while plummeting to his beginning.
it kind of left me grinning,
because i knew at the moment i was envied,
aggressively passive until the angels resent me.
i stood there for years, reluctant to start
my life, until one day my feet collapsed
and that knife went inside and cut my heart.
the inner demons laugh as freedom flashed
a quick smirk at the deprevation of my soul,
but i winced for a bit, then just let it go
because death has become just another choice
so it's time to let loose and rejoice
for the fact that i'm no longer beaten down.
see me drown.
weakly frown
leave me now.












links:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...04#post3396604

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post3396608

god damn that aint no fucking song thats a fucking book shit the verse was too long no structer you need to break it up into verses each verse should have like 16 bars not 34 bars but other than that ok topic ok flow kinda stretched but over all its a 5.3/10

keep trying

lol..damn u really have no clue wut ur talkin bout huh? my structure was cool an if u don't wanna read some long shit then open mic ain't the place to be..all I see everyday is some long drug out OM n' when I do it I get criticized for it...it's all good tho', no h8

uppin for feed...

not bad, quite good.. could have some more solid multies littered throughout "for my liking" to give it a lyrical lift you know...kept on subject well..strycture was readable but i guess seemed a little under-developed..vocab was used pretty well probaly better for the first half of the verse...can become troublesome to follow at times because of all the run on sentences..still a decent drop

I hate to be cynical but it isn't very good. Its content is okay, but the rhyme scheme is close to free verse.