The Open Path

Hot sake clears the mind of worry.
Into the snow, loose limbs bury
themselves in silver and mud.
The immeasurable joys of inebriation.

Tobacco fills the lungs with weight,
bodies thud into the car
with smoke and suppressed laughter.
The engine yawns, then roars.

The direction is south,
yet the streets pull us north,
strange air penetrates the senses,
loud bass elevates new curiosity.

The trees open into fair passage
O, the street lamps are on fire!
With red ribbons! And cluttered ice,
stained glass dance across our faces.

The brakes scream into the blizzard,
but there was no one save for us.
The sounds lost among the children,
tiny snowflakes steal our voices.

Time stops and

We fall into ourselves abstractly,
collapse into the silver womb.
The alcohol has left our systems,
Bled into the tar and steel.

I thought this was a very serviceable poem, and its very obvious to me that you have alot of talent, but something just didn't sit right with me. Everything was pretty good, and you have a gift for imagery and poetic device, but the thing as a whole seemed too unfocused...like, you weren't really going anywhere with it, and remained in a sort of standstill throughout. I guess I thought some of your wording was a little too obvious or generic too, like, 'We fall into ourselves abstractly' is basically a meaningless statement...the word 'abstract' is sort of..redundant, since your whole poem itself is abstract. But keep at it.

Yeah thanks man, this is actually a piece that I took from one of my stories. I understand where your coming from and I'll try to improve next time.

nice this piece gave me the impression of friends getting drunk together on like a friday night and waking up the next morning together with hangovers then going to eat breakfast..........loaded with imagery but you used few words throughout....that was very cool.........

one of the best pieces I've read in this forum in a long time


I wanna see more of your work....in this forum.


pz out.

Very Enjoyable read here my man.Your imagery was the best asset in the piece imo.Your emotion was kinda inconsistent at times but then there was time it was there so no major problem. I agree with Mach that your wording was a little too obvious,it was like at times I knew what was coming next,some advise from me to you would be try and come with a twisted some times.In other words fuck with the readers mind.But none of less enjoyable read man keep them coming.And I will keep feeding with out a doubt.

Nyce.