Love and Rhyme

hey guys, long time topical writer, don't believe i have posted a poem here before. @Emily @143 @yd


Love and Rhyme

im trying to find my rhyme
but also to be juxtaposed
lighten my life, blind my mind
start a family like huckstables

a love grander than hyperbole
wake up thinking "i love you" out loud
reply with "you took the words from me"
nine looks like hell compared to our cloud

haven't found my angel not yet a trace
the search party's out, i'm still hopeful
i still haven't imagined her face
only the vast contents of her soul

A short, simple, well written piece.

im trying to find my rhyme
but also to be juxtaposed
lighten my life, blind my mind
start a family like huckstables

I liked the use of paradox/antitheses in this first stanza. To find rhyme but be juxtaposed. to lighten life but blind the mind. Really clever. It's like wanting that perfect relationship with somebody but knowing deep down it never is completely perfect. I'm not sure I fully understand the final line... Is it a Cosby show reference? I'm English so sometimes little cultural references go over my head - Please explain in a pm or reply!

a love grander than hyperbole
wake up thinking "i love you" out loud
reply with "you took the words from me"
nine looks like hell compared to our cloud

A love grander than hyperbole... What an awesome line this is. And so meaningful! Hyperbole/exaggeration has no limits... it can be as grand as the speaker wants it to be... A love grander than exaggeration... that's pretty grand! Really liked this line. The middle two lines are also really nice, but the final line of this stanza is awesome. The little play on cloud nine, often expected to be perfect based on the old idiom, but it's a hell compared to where this loved up couple are. Awesome.

haven't found my angel not yet a trace
the search party's out, i'm still hopeful
i still haven't imagined her face
only the vast contents of her soul

It all seems to come crashing down here. This stanza is hard for me... I can't decide whether the lover has been lost/taken/hurt or if she never existed in the first place and this poem is just trying to find love in the first place. Tough call for me, but that's a good thing. It's lovely to find a poem which is open to interpretation... that's really the whole idea. Writing something that somebody can take and fit to their own lives is a skill and you have it.

The ABAB rhyme scheme is good here. Oftentimes when people try to rhyme poetry it ends up feeling forced, but I guess your experience in OM has helped you in that regard. Nothing seemed forced, none of the end rhymes felt like unnecessary words chucked in to keep the stylistic aspect of the poem going, so very well done for that. I avoid writing rhyming poetry like the plague because I don't have the skill to include rhyme and maintain meaning.

overall, a good read. Time to take an OM Hiatus and bless us with poetry more often!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ctrl Alt Elite

A short, simple, well written piece.

im trying to find my rhyme
but also to be juxtaposed
lighten my life, blind my mind
start a family like huckstables

I liked the use of paradox/antitheses in this first stanza. To find rhyme but be juxtaposed. to lighten life but blind the mind. Really clever. It's like wanting that perfect relationship with somebody but knowing deep down it never is completely perfect. I'm not sure I fully understand the final line... Is it a Cosby show reference? I'm English so sometimes little cultural references go over my head - Please explain in a pm or reply!

a love grander than hyperbole
wake up thinking "i love you" out loud
reply with "you took the words from me"
nine looks like hell compared to our cloud

A love grander than hyperbole... What an awesome line this is. And so meaningful! Hyperbole/exaggeration has no limits... it can be as grand as the speaker wants it to be... A love grander than exaggeration... that's pretty grand! Really liked this line. The middle two lines are also really nice, but the final line of this stanza is awesome. The little play on cloud nine, often expected to be perfect based on the old idiom, but it's a hell compared to where this loved up couple are. Awesome.

haven't found my angel not yet a trace
the search party's out, i'm still hopeful
i still haven't imagined her face
only the vast contents of her soul

It all seems to come crashing down here. This stanza is hard for me... I can't decide whether the lover has been lost/taken/hurt or if she never existed in the first place and this poem is just trying to find love in the first place. Tough call for me, but that's a good thing. It's lovely to find a poem which is open to interpretation... that's really the whole idea. Writing something that somebody can take and fit to their own lives is a skill and you have it.

The ABAB rhyme scheme is good here. Oftentimes when people try to rhyme poetry it ends up feeling forced, but I guess your experience in OM has helped you in that regard. Nothing seemed forced, none of the end rhymes felt like unnecessary words chucked in to keep the stylistic aspect of the poem going, so very well done for that. I avoid writing rhyming poetry like the plague because I don't have the skill to include rhyme and maintain meaning.

overall, a good read. Time to take an OM Hiatus and bless us with poetry more often!

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thank you so much for the read and the feedback. yes, Huckstables is a Cosby Show reference, growing up they were one of the "ideal families" i remember on TV.

I like to write thing ambiguously to let the reader's choose their own adventure so to speak lol. your point of view was different than mine, when writing i was talking about a man dreaming about the love of his life.

@Emily this was my first poem from last week

no problem my sweet. i shall get to it once ive gotten this illy piece out of my head and onto a4.
and then ill come clean up this chitty chat when i edit my feed in here.

Thought this was beautiful and very relatable. Nice smooth feel to it, liked the reference to the huckstables. Only thing I didn't like was the word hell. Feel like that's a dark word and takes away from a light happy piece like this. <- only negative thing I can say. I feel like most people are sad when thinking about their future spouse as in will I ever find Her? And sort of have a desperation / fear to them so the fact that you're optimistic and are saying this as if it's not IF you'll find your soul mate but WHEN you find your soul mate was refreshing and awesome! I enjoyed this piece thank you, you said so much with such a short poem. Thank you for the smile

Quote:

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Originally Posted by trajik

Love and Rhyme

im trying to find my rhyme
but also to be juxtaposed
lighten my life, blind my mind
start a family like huckstables

Like the... meta-nature of this. The rhyme scheme of ABAB works. Like the speaker is struggling to find the rhyme, the meter, the literary elements of his own work that will perfectly create the picture he wants to create. To properly word the love he is feeling, he wants to capture it with the power of Shakespeare, with the strength a great writer possesses. Kind of a writer's struggle there as well, love that. The use of the Huxtables is a good choice, I could get the 'family ideal' which is kind of unreachable. Unrealistic, even.

a love grander than hyperbole
wake up thinking "i love you" out loud
reply with "you took the words from me"
nine looks like hell compared to our cloud

Love bigger than exaggeration, nice. The cloud nine thing may be a bit cliche, but this is a love poem that has clever aspects to it: I will forgive you that, for now. Not that it was a badly made, I liked the way you used cloud nine; like it's below the cloud upon which you float in the entangled web of bliss which is love. You slide by me with interesting twists of cliched phrases. This is easily spoken which is nice. I tend to free verse a whole bunch, but I love a well-made rhymed poem: and this is one of them.

haven't found my angel not yet a trace
the search party's out, i'm still hopeful
i still haven't imagined her face
only the vast contents of her soul

Interesting way to end, it's a somewhat of a reflection of the first stanza. Trying to find the rhyme transforms to trying to find the right woman. You've imagined her mind, her words, her soul, but you don't have her form: much like you tried to discover the form of the work you write. Love is a lot like writing, trying to find the perfect words. Harder than we think, perhaps even impossible, especially if we make our standards unreachable.

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Keep delivering the poetry, Trajik. You write well.